December 19, 2014

Posted: December 19, 2014 4:00 pm

President Obama took a thinly veiled shot at Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential aspirations, saying American voters want that “new car smell”

Well, Hillary’s fragrance *is* more like “Cash for Clunkers”.

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Posted: December 19, 2014 2:00 pm

“In a country where we expect free wifi with our coffee, we should expect our schools to be wired.” -President Obama #ConnectED

@BarackObama

“Oh, wait… Starbucks is private sector… nevermind…”

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Posted: December 19, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Frank J. needs to launch his presidential campaign. What should his slogan be?

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Posted: December 19, 2014 11:15 am

In an interveiw with People magazine, Obama has shared some of the devastating racism he has experienced in his life.  I got my hands on an advance look at the article, and here are some of the examples of racism he has observed in his life first hand.

  • None of the local butchers sell ground Shi Tzu or his favorite guilty pleasure corn-weiner-dogs.
  • While he was campaigning, a citizen once asked him who his favorite rap artist was.
  • For his own safety, the Secret Service would make him sit in the back of the bus while they threw his former friends and associates under it.
  • Angela Merkel asked him if he new of a good Ethiopian restaurant in DC.
  • His new Wii U didn’t have a default mulatto skin tone built in for his Mii.
  • Harvard admitted him.
  • In his Junior High School presentation of Freaks the Musical, the part of the albino was given to that weird, white kid with the pink eyes instead of him.
  • He was denied admission to Cheyney University because he didn’t meet their purity requirements.
  • Joe Biden keeps confusing him with the help.
  • At a Hollywood fundraiser, he was once mistaken for Jay Pharoah.  The real Jay Pharoah was moonlighting as the valet.
  • It’s okay for Nancy Reagan to consult an astrologist, but if Michelle reads goat entrials just once……
  • The only way to make his black coffee tolerable is to add white powder and white liquid to it.
  • It was unacceptable to fill out his Scantron test sheets using black ink.
  • Robert Byrd never invited him to any of his rallies.
  • When given a choice at school lunch, kids preferntially choose the chocolate milk.
  • He was always picked last for basketball, certainly due to his white ancestry.
  • He often heard his girlfriend make hushed remarks to her friends such as, “Well, THAT stereotype is certainly a myth.”
  • His SAT vocabulary prep book included the word ‘niggardly’, misspelled ‘def’ and had incorrect definitions for ‘stupid’ and ‘bad.’
  • While growing up in Hawaii, he was constantly hassled by the man for smoking doobies while black.
  • Natural dark chocolate just wasn’t good enough.  Europeans had to invent a white variety.
  • His grandmother took him to see Song of the South. He didn’t like it, and he didn’t inhale, though he was seen humming Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah for days.
  • He was required to read Huck Finn in High School English.
  • Sickle cell anemia.

 

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Posted: December 19, 2014 8:27 am

You can’t write humor about assassinating awful dictators? Well, there goes my TV series pitch.

Hollywood, I think understand the sort of things you want. My pitch: Chia Pets, the Movie. That will be one millions dollars, please.

So how is The Interview worse than Team America? Or are we just more cowardly now?

How do you even justify still being a Communist country these days? “Don’t you want to join the powerhouses Cuba, Vietnam, and North Korea?”

Whose dumb idea was it to give kids self-esteem? I say no self-esteem until you have a job and are living on your own.

Remember when 30 Rock made fun of North Korea. Would that not fly now?

Did a table read of some scripts are worked on. I now have a job where that sort of thing happens.

I guess working as a programmer, we could have done table reads of scripts, but not many people can make Python come alive.

Anyway, working on something really really cool. Can’t wait for everyone to see it, but that will probably be months from now.

“What’s going on is beyond my comprehension, but perhaps it will all become clear if I tilt my head 15 degrees to the right.” -dogs

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Posted: December 19, 2014 8:00 am

Top Iranian leaders are saying “Americans have very clearly surrendered to Iran’s might” on nuclear negotiation.

Huh. Maybe that’s what Obama means when he says “let me be clear”.

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Posted: December 19, 2014 7:00 am

20141218GlennMcCoy
[Glenn McCoy – GoComics]

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December 18, 2014

Posted: December 18, 2014 10:00 pm

[source]

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Posted: December 18, 2014 9:00 pm


[Slinky Master] (Viewer #738,463)

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Posted: December 18, 2014 8:00 pm

A new report shows that millions of people believe that wifi signals are giving them headaches and nausea.

Me too. But only when watching clips of Obama’s speeches on the internet.

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Posted: December 18, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

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Posted: December 18, 2014 6:00 pm

[High Praise! to Mental Floss]

15 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About “The Matrix”

I actually didn’t know most of these, plus number 13 surprised me, because I’ve seen the Lobby Scene a LOT and hadn’t considered how they’d done the special effects.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Posted: December 18, 2014 4:00 pm

A new report shows that China is building a giant island in South China Sea large enough for airstrip.

Let me guess: it’s made of Treasury Bond paper mache.

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Posted: December 18, 2014 2:00 pm

Jeff is the entrepreneur he always dreamed he’d be – because of health care reform. Read more: http://ofa.bo/r1mS #ThisIsWhy

@BarackObama

“#OffRampSqueegeeGuy”

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Posted: December 18, 2014 12:30 pm

Obama made the following proclamation from the green of the 13th hole this morning:

This nation has experienced a severe trauma. I and everyone I know are still reeling from the one-two sucker punch of the Wilson and Garner affairs. I know that I am strong enough to carry on, but I fear that most of the nation is too distraught to make good, wise decisions. Even the elite students at such esteemed universities as Columbia and Harvard are too overwhelmed by the outcomes to carry on with their studies and must have their finals delayed. And this is just schoolwork. What of those of us who must cope with the realities of real life? As I said, I am strong enough to cope, but most I know are not. As chief executive, I feel that it is my duty to ensure that no one makes decisions regarding the future of this great nation if they are not mentally and emotionally whole. We do not want the course of this nation to be altered unnecessarily by these tragedies. We have learned from history how emotions and anger can lead us into unwise paths such as the Iraq and Afghan wars. I cannot allow such wanton decisions to occur in the future. Consequently, by executive order I am hereby delaying all congressional sessions until such time as I feel the Senators and Representatives are of sound mind and body. All future federal elections will be postponed until I deem the American people sufficiently healed from these events to make a wise decision regarding who would be fit to replace me. I will humbly serve as head of the legislative and executive branches until it becomes clear to me that my sacrifice is no longer necessary, no matter how long it may take. So let it be written. So let it be done.

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Posted: December 18, 2014 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Scientists have developed a robot to replace your doctor. Although under Obamacare…

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Posted: December 18, 2014 8:00 am

It’s being reported that Iran’s foreign minister and lead negotiator in nuclear talks frequently screams and shouts at Secretary of State John Kerry.

Odd that Kerry puts up with that. Is the foreign minister a rich heiress?

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Posted: December 18, 2014 7:00 am

20141215MichaelRamirez
[Michael Ramirez – Investor’s Business Daily]

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December 17, 2014

Posted: December 17, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to TheBaconJams]

Yes, it’s real.

Not cheap, but real.

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Posted: December 17, 2014 9:00 pm


[IRON CAN – Official Trailer (IRON MAN parody)] (Viewer #529,637)

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