Corona, some guy keeps trying to post under your name to Frank Advice for Life posts about your love of anal intercourse. It’s creeping me out. I don’t like trolls coming here to troll other people than me. Or maybe Harvey.

It’s Crowder with guest star Zo:

He got the montage wrong, though; there’s supposed to be techno music while they have their lab montage. It always makes me imagine what the show would be like if they had CSI dancers who come out and dance in the background while they’re doing lab work.

Violence is never the answer… unless the question is “What is never the answer?” Then the answer is violence. Actually, I guess that’s a paradox. Probably best to just use violence when you’re not sure about the answer.

Obama accused Republicans of trying to frighten Americans about his policy. I thought this was more of his usual whining (Democrats love whining!), but I checked the internets and there are a lot of lies people are propagating about Obama. Here are some I found:

LIES BEING TOLD ABOUT OBAMA

* Obama’s policies have really helped the economy.

* Obama is committed to victory in Afghanistan.

* Obama’s health care plan will improve health care and lower costs.

* The one thing Obama is not going to do is bankrupt the country.

* Obama never gets his head stuck in a bucket.

* Obama deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Obama is smart.

* Obama’s actions encourage bipartisanship.

* Obama has normal ears.

* Obama’s close friends and associates are quite unlike those of a crack dealer.

* Obama can complete a coherent sentence without a teleprompter.

* Obama’s concerns match those of the average American.

* Obama cherishes the American values of freedom and self-reliance.

* Obama is proud of America and represents it strongly abroad.

* Obama has many solutions other than blaming Bush.

* Obama is a capitalist.

* There is strong evidence Obama is not an alien reptile.

* At least one other president in American history was less qualified than Obama.

* Obama appears to be learning what it is to be a leader quite quickly.

* Obama has at least a slight idea what he is doing.

A weird spiral appeared in the air in Norway:

This is something that might cause people to turn to fantastical explanation, but the rational mind knows to calm down and use Science! to find the answer.

So, what we need Norway to do is take a look around their country and answer these following questions to lead us to a logical answer:

Do people around you look the same but act differently? If so, then the spiral is the beginning of an alien attack and they are replacing everyone with pod people.

Have you run into someone who looks like you except with a goatee and is evil? Then the spiral is most likely a portal to the mirror universe.

Have all the annoying, preachy people disappeared? Then it was probably the rapture. Finally, we can do Science! without their interference!

Is there techno music playing, and is everyone around you dancing? Then it’s probably a laser light show as part of a music concert. Dance! Dance!

Remember, being logical leads to answers. Thus says Science!, and thus say we all.

Agent Smith should argue for gay marriage. “It is inevitable!” Of course, he wasn’t able to convince Neo.

Is there any hard evidence that Al Gore is anything other than a mediocre mind desperately wanting to be thought of as smart?

Al Gore is a lot like Obama in that he can convince dumb people he’s smart despite lack of evidence.

Gore was a C student in government. I was an A student in electrical engineering. Who should you trust on climate science? I think the answer is “neither”, but I have an actual chance of being correct because I actually apply scientific research.

If you want to overturn our economy, I need more assurance than that you double-checked your math.

It’s scary to go out walking and see tigers. But it’s scarier not to see tigers, because now you have no idea where the tigers are. That wisdom can be applied to other things, like pumas and bobcats.

I believe Palin’s scientific credentials are just as impressive as Al Gore’s.

I like Alan Grayson; finally we have the wisdom in Congress you’d usually have to go to comment section of HuffPo to find.

When I was a kid, the TV channel Nickelodeon had an annual contest where you could win a Toys R Us five minute shopping spree in which could run around Toys R Us and grab all the toys you could in a five minute period. That’s like winning the lottery times a million to a kid.

When the Democrats took power this year, getting a liberal in the White House and majorities in the House and Senate, this was like their Toy R Us shopping spree. They quickly realized that their majority isn’t going to last long because of how people hate pretty much everything a liberal likes, so they have to pass as much liberal legislation as they can in their five minutes. That’s why when they took power and had a war and a failing economy to deal with, they were like, “We want toys!” and went on to their usual liberal stuff like health care and global warming like everything else was fine.

Luckily, they’re really clumsy about it, tripping over themselves and knocking over isles and such. Hopefully they’ll end their spree with sad faces not having gotten all the toys they really wanted. Otherwise, conservatives will have to get back in charge and then smash all their toys while liberals watch. People will hate us for it, but it will be fun.

America is about freedom, but it really seems like people look at it two different ways. There is the freedom of children, which is freedom from responsibility. Then there is the freedom of adults, which is free from the control of others. Liberals seem to focus mainly on the child’s freedom. All their arguments usually amount to “Give us control of more things, and you no longer have to worry about the important stuff.” But conservatives like that scarier adult freedom where you still have the responsibility to provide for yourself and your family but you don’t have the government pushing you around like a child.

America was founded on the ideals of adult freedom, but children get scared, and now we have the muddled mess we have. Maybe we have to realize how scary freedom can be sometimes and better accommodate those frightened by it. Like mailing them to Canada in a large box with air holes.

Something to think about.

If you’re a serial adulterer, at least make sure who you sleep with are racially diverse. Also good tip for serial killers.

I don’t believe in Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, or people who actually celebrate Kwanzaa.

Reid now says that not passing Obamacare would be like slavery plus the holocaust times the destruction of Alderaan.

Reid’s question for Republicans opposing Obamacare: “Where’s my pills?!!”

Barbara Boxer is just bitter that that chicken keeps beating her at tic-tac-toe. Also, the chicken would not refer to her as “Senator”.

Boxer seems bitter because earlier she got confused by the instructions on a box of toothpicks and poked herself in the eye.

And Boxer’s staff have to keep reminding her that just because something is colorful doesn’t mean you should put it in you mouth.

If we destroy the environment, it would be self-defense considering how often it tries to kill us.

People are like, “Frank! What can we do about Copenhagen! They’re going to make agreements to destroy our economy!”

But don’t worry, peasants; Frank J. is on the case.

The solution is simple: During a big conference, we release a bunch of polar bears on them.

Then, they’ll all be like, “Aieee! Polar bear population has gone so out of control they’ve come all the way down to — whatever country it is that Copenhagen is in!” (I’m really bad at geography, and I don’t care).

And then another will say, “We need to increase global warming to kill them off before they eat us and our stinky cheeses! The only way to do that is more capitalism!”

And then problem solved. You’re welcome.

Harry Reid (I’m sure it’s been said before, but it bears repeating: that’s an awful, awful porn name) compared opponents of Obamacare to opponents of the abolition of slavery (didn’t slaves get free health care?). Harry Reid hasn’t exactly made many friends as Majority Leader in the Senate and looks to be having a tough reelection fight in 2010. It makes one wonder exactly what he has accomplished as Majority Leader. Well, here’s a list of his top ten accomplishments:

TOP TEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF HARRY REID AS MAJORITY LEADER

10. Got a bi-partisan group of Republicans and Democrats to request that he use less aftershave.

9. Got lost in a coat closet.

8. Ranted on C-SPAN about how everyone in D.C. smells.

7. Forgot his pants on thirty-two separate occasions.

6. Was repeatedly warned not to bite children touring the Capitol.

5. Started a filibuster that didn’t end until he was removed by security from the express lane at the Piggly Wiggly.

4. Has angrily shaken his fist more than any other Majority Leader.

3. Has on repeated occasions responded to questions about Nevada with really confused looks.

2. Wrote an intergalactic defense bill after being startled by a helicopter.

And the number one accomplishment of Harry Reid while majority leader…

Read the rest of this entry »

A new rant from Zo on liberals and global warming:

If you asked me what I liked least about liberals, it would probably be the fascism.

Pearl Harbor started the policy that if you attack America, we destroy you and one other country of our choosing.

Why do liberals need federal money for abortion? Can’t they just start a “Stop the Babies!” charity? “Right now there are babies waiting to be born and ruin people’s lives. We can stop that. With your help.” See, you can voluntarily spend you money on others. It’s called charity. I’m not sure who came up with it.

To show their solidarity, the Copenhagen attendees should all wear pointy hats with the words “the science is settled” on them.

I get confused sometimes. I once rolled up the dog to whack the newspaper. It was the New York Times, of course.

If I ever got a Nobel Peace Prize, first thing I’d do is turn it into a weapon.

The police report said curiosity killed the cat, but it looked to me more like it was a shotgun.

I spent all that time watching Sesame Street learning to count and I haven’t used those skills since.

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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[reference link]

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Chuck:

From Neil:

[reference link]

From Robert:

Three from Travelwise42:

From Shelley:

[reference link (rated R for adult themes)]

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and - if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad - I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

If a UFO lands in front of you and aliens come out and demand, “Take me to your leader!” immediately respond with, “I’m not a frick’n taxi service!” and then ignore them. With aliens, the same as with dogs, you need to assert your dominance.

Global warming has become so erratic due to human activity that computer models can not successfully predict its effects… or even whether the earth will get warmer. Yet people are still ignoring the problem. Thus everyone at Copenhagen is working on new claims of disasters caused by global warming to capture the world’s imagination.

BRAND NEW EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING CLAIMED BY COPENHAGEN

* You know how dry deserts are? Well, now they’re even more drier.

* Lack of foliage is reducing the ninja’s native habitat: the shadows.

* American presidents are becoming increasingly incompetent.

* Rain clouds are becoming sentient.

* The heat is affecting scientists’ brains, causing them to write incriminating e-mails.

* Pit bulls are getting angrier and increasingly right-wing.

* Al Gore will soon snap completely and kiss random people in invasive ways when on camera.

* Wetlands are turning from wet to just sticky.

* Due to loss of habitat, more polar bears are turning to armed robbery.

* Rabbits, instead of multiplying, are exponentiating.

* Rainforests are being populated with even more creatures voiced by Robin Williams.

* Joblessness rate continues to rise for glaciers.

So non-BCS teams Boise State and TCU fought so hard this season to be able to prove themselves by playing against a top-ranked BCS team on a national stage, both ending their regular seasons undefeated, and now they get to play… each other… just like last year in their consolation-prize bowl.

Gah!

It is the Fiesta Bowl, but these teams wanted to prove themselves to be something other than the best of the non-BCS teams. So here are some suggestions for a more apt name for their game than “Fiesta Bowl”:

ALTERNATE NAMES FOR THE FIESTA BOWL

* The Kiddie Table Bowl

* The David vs. David Bowl

* The Screw You, Non-BCS Teams Bowl

* The Glass Ceiling Bowl

* The Poinsettia Bowl

* The Prevent Embarrassment to BCS Teams Bowl

* The It Doesn’t Matter How Well You Play, We’ll Never Give You a Chance Bowl

* The BCS People Are Worse Than Hitler, Stalin, and the Guy Who Invented Clamshell Packaging Combined Bowl.

Somehow, I blame Obama for all of this.

America needs to find a better way to determine whether someone is an inexperienced idiot than letting him be president for a year.

I always love that “I can’t believe that actually worked” feeling I get from being an engineer.

I’m so glad college football doesn’t have playoffs. All sports champions should be decided by polling and computers. Why even have a championship game? Wouldn’t a super extra deluxe poll solve things even better?

Why are chickens coming home to roost a bad thing? Shouldn’t we be like, “Yay! The chickens are coming home! And they’re roosting!”

I get the feeling that if Obama were president during 9/11, he would have responded with a new health care plan.

Heard this awful, nasally singing of a Christmas song on the radio. Checked and saw it was the Jonas Brothers. Why are they popular? Why would parents let their kids listen to that? Being wholesome and Christian does not excuse sounding absolutely awful.

I’m as excited to see Avatar as I was for Waterworld.

While everybody is away for Copenhagen, let’s change the locks.

Really, though, with wars and a plummeting economy, what better time to take on ManBearPig?

Once again to summarize my reaction to the BCS: Gah!

Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island claimed (link NSFW) that in 8 years, he couldn’t remember George W. Bush ever being portrayed with a Hitler mustache.

His point being that it’s completely wrong for Tea Partiers to compare Obama to Hitler.

My point being that if you’re not smart enough to put the words “Bush” and “Hitler” into a Google Image search, you’re probably shouldn’t be considered qualified to vote on matters of national import.

Still, his criticism is noted, and from now on, I’ll show some restraint when comparing Obama to people with postage-stamp moustaches:

One’s a comedian whose bungling antics brought laughter to millions, the other got his start in Vaudeville.

I have great respect for Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation, but I must disagree with his assessment that ClimateGate’s Progressive Big Lie Threat Meter is at Threat Level Red. Although after 2 weeks, the network news is beginning to acknowledge the existence of the story, and ABC actually used the word “Climategate” in a headline (…on a Friday, where it will hopefully go unnoticed), there’s nothing factual being reported and the whole thing is being treated as a quaint, right-wing conspiracy.

I’d say they’re still at yellow.

NOTE: Sorry this is so late. Had some changes at the day job. Should have lolterizt! ready for Tuesday.

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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From The Right Guy of The Right Guy:

From Marc:

From Travelwise42:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Nightfly of The Nightfly:

Also from Nightfly of The Nightfly:

From db of Obowma (where you are encouraged to submit photoshopped pictures of Obama bowing to you)

[reference link]

From Elwin:

Also from Elwin :

From fb:

From Gregg:

Also from Gregg:

From Mark:

From Peregrine John:

From Tom in Knoxvegas:

From Travelwise42:

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and - if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad - I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

One great thing about the controversial sciences is that they distract from the fact that we don’t have any idea how gravity works.

Here’s as good a time as any to explain the difference between facts and theory as Science! understand them. The facts of gravity are well established. We have airplanes and rockets and guillotines all based on our understanding of what gravity does. It’s the theory of gravity (”gravity is only a theory!”) — how gravity works so as to make those facts — that’s kinda underdeveloped. Maybe it’s mass curving space time — though that doesn’t really explain all of it. There is also the suggestion of something called “gravitons” being involved, but that’s kinda like saying tiny invisible elves do it. Which we haven’t ruled out.

Gravity holds the entire universe in place, so it’s pretty frustrating to not really know how it’s doing it so we can make cheap knock off gravity if needed. We don’t know how we angered Science! so that it still won’t reveal to us something so fundamental as how gravity works — maybe it’s the scientific inaccuracies in the Flintstones cartoon — but we will have to work hard to appease Science! with out rationality. Until then, we just assume the facts of gravity are consistent, but if one day you’re struck on the head by a bird that was knocked unconscious by an apple falling upwards, it’s not like we can say for certain that can’t happen.

Science!

I wasn’t invited to the jobs summit even thought I have lots of awesome ideas on everything — I guess Obama wants America to fail. Anyway, here are my ideas for how to create more jobs.

FRANK IDEAS TO CREATE MORE JOBS

* Maybe play some Barry White to see if we can get jobs to mate and produce more jobs.

* Have a job bite a hobby until it becomes infected and turns into a job itself.

* Have we tried throwing water on jobs to see if that causes them to reproduce?

* Try to forcefully stimulate job mitosis.

* Invite Jesus to a jobs summit. Tell him everyone there really needs a job and hand him the five jobs we have and then step back and let Jesus do his thing.

* Cut the top off a job and plant it in the ground.

* Tax cuts.

Man, that’s all I could come up with. Making jobs is hard. I wish I were smart like Paul Krugman. Or at least had a beard like him.

The important thing to remember in this crisis, though, is that no one take my job.

I’m confused. Were the liberals always against a war in Afghanistan?

Hippies are for punching, not for getting foreign policy advice from.

I guess I can’t see Jesus punching a hippie. But I could see Peter doing it.

I can’t believe Obama is sending troops into harms way when he never served himself. He is some sort of hawk that is chicken.

Disingenuous support of some wars, calling others Vietnam, “chickenhawk!” - irate toddlers add more to the debate than liberals.

They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, but the pet store wouldn’t accept that trade.

I bet God is real pleased with Himself that He can know both the position and momentum of a particle.

Idea for a Christmas gift for wives on a budget to give to their husbands: A coupon good for one free shutting up.

I missed the jobs summit. Did Paul Krugman save the economy?

Obama got his job through nothing but speeches. Maybe his speech can get us jobs.

Whatever it is that Google Wave is supposed to do, I’m pretty sure it’s doing it stupidly.

If Palin has declared Obama’s birth certificate fair game, I want him to prove he’s not an alien lizard.

In my latest Pajamas Media column, I explain why your worries about Climategate are bothersome and annoying.