I lost my house in the Hawaiian earthquake and now can’t afford pineapples to feed my family.

Obama just knows that if he ever leaves the country we’re not going to let him back in.

I don’t even understand what’s in the health care bill anymore, but I guess no one does. Pelosi says we’ll find out after it’s passed.

First healthcare is considered a right, and eventually dinosaurs with rocket launchers will be a right the government must supply. Will our healthcare be much help when we’re all embroiled in dino wars?

Problem with politics: Everyone is shortsighted. No one says, “But how will this affect things when apes are in charge?”

If the bill is being passed unseen, can the Republicans sneak in and switch it with something else, like national right to carry?

What if my kid doesn’t want to play videogames? What if he want to play sports outside? There’s bugs outside!

God is mentioned in the Consitution. He’s given ownership of the year it was written, giving Him legal ownership of the document.

I think the best idea for government is true liberty for all or me as unquestioned dictator.

Mr. President, we need to schedule another interview.

What do you mean, Rahm? I was just on Fox News.

Honestly, that didn’t go to well. We need another to do damage control.

Yeah, that Brent fellow wouldn’t let me talk. He kept asking questions, and, here’s the worst of it … wanting answers!

His name’s Bret. But, don’t get upset. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry it went bad for you. But, we had to do it, because of Fox’s ratings.

I’ll do another interview. Get me on Larry King or with Chris Matthews. Someone.

Sir, the rating aren’t good for CNN, MSNBC, or, quite honestly, any news channel other than Fox.

Al-Jazeera?

No, we need to shore up your base.

That’s why I suggested al-Jazeera.

I’m afraid that won’t do. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll find an interview show that’s not on Fox, that will have better ratings than CNN or MSNBC.

Great! Who do you have in mind?

Greetings, citizens!

SarahK and I each won a RiffTrax caption contest (they picked three winners and we were two of them) to win free RiffTrax, so I thought in exchange I should plug them again. Everyone should buy and enjoy RiffTrax. The humor may not be for everyone, though; I hear that pedophiles don’t like them.

New Moon comes out Friday at midnight (guess whose wife will be in line for a copy?) and the RiffTrax for it will be available on Friday. SarahK says it won’t save me because she’s going to make me watch it normal first. Man, I hope our child doesn’t grow up thinking its normal for vampires to sparkle.

A lot of people seem to think we should have a baby naming contest for the upcoming IMAO baby. I think that’s a great idea, but I don’t know if SarahK will consider it binding. Anyway, I’ll at least share with you some of the names I’ve been thinking of:

Rocket Punch Fleming
Dark Vengeance Fleming
Dragon Fleming
Ghost Dog Fleming
Flammable Fleming
Ultimate Fleming
Gene Parmesan Fleming
He Who Shall Not Be Named Fleming

And here are some more names I was thinking of. Sometimes, I’m not sure if they’re boys’ or girls’ names:

Coffee
Magnum
Thor
Awesome
Metallica
Apocalypse
Schnappi
Olaf (no one would mess with a kid named Olaf)

And there were some good suggestions on Twitter:

Mr. T Fleming
El Guapo Fleming
Agent Fleming (that was from Lair)

So that’s to get things started. If you having any other good name I ideas, throw them out and maybe later we can have a vote on the best. I think my favorite so far is “Dark Vengeance Fleming”. I think “Vengeance” sounds like it should be a girl’s name.

UPDATE:

Someone on Twitter mentioned she knew someone who named his sons Drake, Ronin, and Legend.

Ronin. Hmm…

If you’re following the health care debate, the CBO (I don’t know who they are) estimate that Obama’s bill will cost $940 billion over the next ten years which somehow saves us money ($100 billion over ten years, though Obama can easily fritter that away in a month). I don’t get government math. I had my own plan which involved shutting down all the government and exiling all of its employees to Antarctica, but the CBO told me that would actually increase the cost of government. The CBO also told me that if I gave them ten dollars, it would be like I was saving twenty. I didn’t understand that, and when I gave then ten dollars they just ran off giggling.

UPDATE:

Ed Morrisey and Allahpundit has a good explanation of how the numbers were fudged in this post. To make the 10 year estimate trillions less, they just wait four years to actually implement anything (only $17 billion of the estimated $940 billion is spent the first four years). So the cost is really $927 billion over six years, with those last four missing years being the greatest cost.

I’m half Irish. The baby will be a quarter Irish. Eventually we’ll get drunken potato eating completely out of our gene pool.

I wish we got video of our little baby jumping around; I want to watch that again. Instead, all I have is 24 on the DVR.

Oh boy, I hope our pregnancy doesn’t have a stupid hillbilly subplot like 24! If it does, it will probably be from my wife’s side.

On St. Patrick’s Day: I’m going to drink until I puke tonight. We only have Walmart brand soda at home, but I think that’ll work. I hope Bible Study doesn’t mind.

Man, I can’t wait to finally have an excuse to watch Spongebob Squarepants. That show looks fun!

My governor’s name is Butch.

Obama to American people: “Shut up! I won, not you!”

During his interview with Fox News’ Bret Baier, the president said “I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about what the procedural rules are in the House or the Senate.”

The president isn’t concerned about other branches of government following the Constitution?

It’s not like he’s sworn an oath to preserve, protect, or defend the Constitution or anything.

[Direct link]

Maybe Obama thought the oath was to “preserve, protect, and ignore” the Constitution. That would explain a lot.

So the president doesn’t want U.S. troops flying the U.S. flag in Haiti during relief efforts.

Why? According to a report:

The Obama administration says flying the flag could give Haiti the wrong idea.

“We are not here as an occupation force, but as an international partner committed to supporting the government of Haiti on the road to recovery,” the U.S. government’s Haiti Joint Information Center said in response to a query about the flag.

But, there’s more to it than that. This video explains why:

[Direct link]

Remember when we had a president who was proud of our country and respected the flag? Those were the days.

Related: Hope n’ Change Cartoons

So Green Zone, a $130 million movie about how the Iraq war is wrong and a plot by neocons, was a box office flop this past weekend. Who could have predicted that? You’d think the American people would feel they haven’t heard enough arguments against the Iraq war and would be clamoring to pay $10 and hear from Hollywood actors and directors on the subject.

Really, when are actors and such going to figure out they’re the last people we want to hear from on any subject beyond where to score good blow? Just dance for us, monkeys!

Obama is in his final push (final for real this time; we swear!) for his health care bill. Which raises a good question: How much do we laugh at him if he fails?

I say we put aside a whole week to mock what a failure he is, going to any public even he’s at to point and laugh at him. He’ll eventually yell, “You guys are mean!” and run away crying to the White House and hide in there and refuse to come out. That will be a nice break for all involved.

Sounds a little cruel, but that’s how you play politics. How much do you plan to laugh at him?

The Pentagon revealed that they often get e-mailed plans like parachuting bears into the Middle East the hunt down Osama bin Laden. So yeah, I e-mail the Pentagon my ideas in my spare time. Here are some other plans I’ve come up with:

CREATIVE WAR PLANS

* Send terrorists boxes labeled “guns” and “bomb making supplies.” What’s actually inside? All our nation’s squirrels!

* Create giant robots that eat people.

* Make our own flying saucer and land it in the Middle East so terrorists think they’re being visited by aliens. When the “aliens” come out of the UFO, the terrorists will rush to greet them and find out too late that they’re actually angry rottweilers in robes.

* Make a satellite that can throw rocks at people from space. Then terrorists will get hit in head with rocks and be like, “Where the hell did that come from?!” They’ll be totally freaked out!

* To hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden, send the Land Shark.

* Send the terrorists shipments of free sunglasses. Unbeknown to them, the sunglasses have no actual UV protection.

* Build next to the Pentagon a decoy Hexagon. You’ll have to carefully count the sides to make sure which one is the right one.

* Create a virus that turns people to zombies and release it in a terrorists stronghold. Just make sure it stays isolated to there as that’s where the trouble starts.

* Distribute free candy to children. The terrorists, being evil, will then steal the candy from the children. But the joke is on them because the candy is poison!

* Replace Osama with Obama to make all the terrorists plans ineffective.

What are your creative ideas you’ve sent the Pentagon?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, the day we celebrate how we chased all the drunken, subhuman Irish out of America by throwing potatoes at them. No one knows what happened to them, but rumors say the Irish hide in burrows underground and sneak in our houses through our basements or crawl spaces to raid our liquor cabinets. That’s why we celebrate today by trying to drink all our liquor before the Irish get to it.

I still don’t get how I could have put a movie in the mail yesterday morning and Netflix has already gotten it. I guess that’s the speed of U.S. mail when infused with capitalism.

When SarahK saw the baby’s heartbeat, she cried. I even almost had an emotion.

This is really going to change SarahK’s life. I wish her good luck with that.

While we were watching, the baby jumped and waved his arm around. I think he’s going to be an ultimate fighter!

I already love the baby more than either of our two stupid cats. The dog is still good.

Whatever the baby’s sex is, he/she better like playing FPSs with me. And mowing the lawn.

In preparation for the baby, I should make my own children’s book: Goodbye Moon.

I grew up dreaming to be the first person on Mars, and now my child can too since our space program has been a complete turd.

Saw this story:

Thieves scaled a wall at a pharmaceutical warehouse over the weekend, cut a hole in the roof and rappelled inside to steal about $70 million in antidepressants and other prescription drugs, authorities said Tuesday.

Hmmm… that sounds familiar.

And based on this little snippet:

No vehicles were reported stolen from the site or nearby, so it’s believed they arrived with one or more vehicles large enough to transport the dozens and dozens of pallets of drugs, he said.

I just gotta ask the readers near Enfield, Connecticut…

Did anybody happen to notice a suspicious-looking Firefly class transport ship in the area last Sunday?

Here’s a quiz:

Which one of these videos is a sketch from Saturday Night Live, and which is a video of a real-life event?

Video number one:

[Direct link]

Video number two:

[Direct link]

Could you tell?

Both are funny, but for different reasons.

One is an Academy Award-winning actor playing a dumbass who has no concept of numbers. The other is a United States president actually being a dumbass who has no concept of numbers, saying that insurance rates would go down 3-thousand percent under his plan.

Comedy writers could imagine the first. No one could imagine the second. Except it’s real. Sadly, sadly real.

But it does help explain why I’ve been saying that everyone who voted for Obama is a dumbass.

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

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From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

From Basil of IMAO and Basil’s Blog:

From Chuck:

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From Hatless in Hattiesburg:

From Willy:

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot’s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

If you thought I got less funny when I got married, just wait until I’m a dad.

When I first came up with my IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest scam to see if I had any attractive readers, who knew it would pay such dividends. I’m such a genius.

Due date is October 8th.

BTW, for those of you who think Twitter is gay, they were first to find out the results of my non-gayness, so there.

The time for (any of you Bible and/or gun clinging rubes who can’t understand a simple several thousand page bill to have the audacity to hope to) talk is over. – Present Barack Obama

A poll shows that U.S. residents are losing faith in the American Dream. That’s horrible. The American Dream is what motivates us to do better and keep our country awesome.

Now, people tend to have different ideas of what the American Dream is, but there are usually a lot of similar themes. Here’s what the American Dream is to me:

I live in a giant house made of plastic and titanium and own a hovercraft. Patrolling the streets are tyrannosaurus rexes who are genetically engineered to be courteous and eat criminals. Hippies have long been extinct, and it’s illegal to talk about them. I have a basement full of guns and robot parts. We have world peace since we’ve destroyed or conquered all other countries. We’ve made contact with our first alien species and become friends with them: The Thundercats. There is no more shouting about politics on TV because all disputes are settled with a kung fu fight at dawn. Racism is a thing of the past, since we’ve all been dyed purple (except for me since I already wasn’t racist). After a long day at work patrolling space for rogue asteroids, I can relax with my wife and cyborg children and watch ape boxing. And there is true freedom for all… except when people do something I don’t like, since I’m emperor.

So what’s the American Dream to you?

$130 million movie on how the Iraq War is bad? How was that not a good investment?

With all the debate on Iraq, I guess people aren’t really clamoring to pay for more input from movie actors and directors.

Did punk kids in the fifties wear their fedoras sideways?

I’m sure Green Zone will make up the money in merchandising, like the McDonald’s Happy Meals tie-ins.

Live free or die. If you don’t want to live free, do everyone a favor and please die.

The reports of Obama’s “womanly” leadership made the rounds yesterday. Michelle Malkin has a report, plus a roundup from others covering the story.

In case you missed it, here’s the excerpt … followed by video evidence that it’s not just his leadership that’s “womanly”…

[Direct link]

Video sources: Daily Beast video, Schnittshow, Associated Press, iOwnTheWorld

Also: The Javelina Bomb has a related Top Ten (plus the inspiration for the video)

I am just so sick and tired of hearing about health care reform. It seems like we’ve been having the exact same headlines for about a year now. Democrats are always on the verge of having enough votes and Obama is always making his final push for it. It’s like we’re stuck in some Star Trek-type anomaly. I’m actually looking forward to them pushing amnesty just to have something new to complain about.

I can’t take it anymore! Just pass it or don’t pass it! But for all that’s good and holy, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

John Hawkins has an interview with Karl Rove at Right Wing News. Read to find out what Karl Rove does with all the souls he collects, how Obama was actually his idea and how things are going perfectly to his master plan, and how he will soon have so much dark power that he will be unstoppable.

American Digest picked up on a quote I said in response to a commenter:

Conservatives tend to treat as hobbies what liberals treat as occupations.

They seemed to take this as a warning, as if conservatives don’t take politics seriously enough, but that wasn’t my point.

When society is just starting out, you don’t usually have career musicians or artists or actors. These are things people may do in their spare time after their actual work but aren’t careers. As society develops, people can actually do these things as full time jobs, but the people who tend to do that seem to be liberals.

The thing is, people need jobs. We just can’t be mentally well without something useful to do. Now, it’s possible to treat art type stuff as a job, but many see it more as a calling than an occupation. And thus a lot of the activism to feel useful and the odd sights like Sean Penn, who is basically a dancing monkey, getting some big ego and thinking he’s better than the useful people he pretends to be in his movies.

Also, the idea of art is to express some truth, but what truths do career artists know other than things to do with being an artist? I wonder if art suffers in a way by not being something people with regular lives do.

My new Pajamas Media column is up.