I’ve looked at the AZ decision and it has a lot of words in it.

So not only does Obama pass unpopular laws, he blocks popular laws other people pass. I don’t think he likes us.

To Whom It May Concern: Shut up, stupid!

Jan loved her job. Sure, no job is perfect, but she really, really liked this one.

Jan ran Division 48 at a large corporation. She had a lot of people that depended on her doing her job right. And not everyone in the division liked how she did her job. But most did. And the Division was doing a lot better than many of the other divisions in the company. Jan was satisfied that she was doing a good job.

That morning, like many mornings, she noticed some strange people on the floor. Like every other morning, Jan had parked in the garage, walked to the employee entrance, swiped her badge, and entered the building. And, again this morning, she noticed that there were people wandering around the building who didn’t have a company badge.

She discovered that, while the door she entered every day was working, not every door to the building worked properly. Not that the doors wouldn’t open or allow people to entered with a badge swipe. No, the problem was that the doors would open without a badge swipe. And people from the company next door would walk into the building at will. And people from other companies could just walk in at will. And people who wandered the street would just walk in at will.

There was a desk at the main company entrance — a public area — where other people could enter the building and wait in line at the security desk. There were also security doors required a badge swipe on each floor of the building adjacent to a public area. Not every division was adjacent to a public area, but many were. Including Jan’s.

Jan sat at her desk, wondering how to handle the situation, as she had done for many days. This morning, though, Jan reached a decision. She opened Outlook and scheduled a meeting.

The meeting went well. Not everyone agreed with the decision. But Jan had decided that someone from her division would be stationed at the security door, checking anyone who wasn’t from the company, ensuring that visitors had a visitor’s pass.

Jan sent the memo around, copying the other 49 divisions, plus corporate headquarters, about the policies that were being implemented at the security door between Division 48 and the public area.

Minutes later, the phone rang. It was Eric. He oversaw the security for the company. And he wasn’t happy.

Jan explained that security was a problem on the floor, and that Corporate Security wasn’t doing its job. Eric said that his group was doing just fine thank you very much. His people had more important things to do than stand by the door outside Division 48.

“Like what?” Jan asked.

“Have you seen how many people are putting plastic in the paper recycle bin?” Eric responded. “It’s a full time job keeping people from mixing paper and plastic. We don’t have time to fix the security doors and man the floors looking for people without badges.”

Jan sighed. “That’s crazy, Eric. We have serious security issues at the company, and if you won’t or can’t do your job, my division will do it where we can.”

“We’ll see about that,” Eric said. And the call ended.

Susan concluded her meeting with Eric and Jan. She told Jan that people in her division could do some of the duties outlined in her memo. But some of the items crossed the line because they fell into Eric’s area of responsibility.

Jan would comply. Susan didn’t run the company, but her ruling would stand for now. Jan would appeal.

She just hoped the company would stay solvent until the security doors and processes were fixed.

A Scout is:

• Trustworthy,
• Loyal,
• Helpful,
• Friendly,
• Courteous,
• Kind,
• Obedient,
• Cheerful,
• Thrifty,
• Brave,
• Clean,
• Reverent

Oh, and not as important as a daytime TV show.

Jim Treacher asked me to guest post at the DC Trawler, and I agreed to do it in exchange for one of Tucker Carlson’s old bow ties. So go read my post about the possibility of a primary challenge to Obama.

Instead of just running against Bush, the Democrats have a new strategy to tie the GOP to the Tea Parties. So the Democrats really think everyone will be like, “Oh no! They’re going to cut government! I’m going to vote for more awesome Democrat leadership!”

As for the GOP, I think their strategy will be to tie Democrats the current state of the country. They’ll say to the American people, “The Democrats have controlled Congress for four years and been completely in charge for two, and just look at the country. LOOK AT IT!!”

And the American people will break down sobbing and be like, “No! Don’t make us look at it!”

And the GOP will be like, “LOOK AT IT!!!!”

And the American people will be like, “Please! We’ll vote for you! Just don’t make us look at it!”

What exact horrible thing are the Democrats going to claim the Tea Party is going to do? Nuke their own country, because that’s still not quite the level of devastation the Democrats have already wreaked upon us.

Has Science! become more authoritarian causing people to distrust it? Apparently in Science! reporting, there has been a sharp increase in the use of the phrase “Science! says we must”, and people are beginning to feel that Science! is just pushing them around. And here are some other phrases that have increased in recent years in Science! reporting:

* Science! says we must

* Science! tells us we should

* Science! requires

* Bow down before Science!

* The power of Science! compels you

* Blaspheme to Science! will be noted and punished

* Science! demands your obedience and loyalty

* Do you dare speak before almighty Science!

* Kneel before Science!

* Science! shall crush you

* Foolish mortal! How dare you question Science!

* You have angered Science! and will pay dearly for it

* Science! wants a sammich. Get it a sammich! Now!

* All Science! wants is a hug

Still getting birther e-mails. I can’t believe people are ignoring the 12-point buck standing in front of them to hunt snipe.

Ever notice in addresses from the Oval Office how Obama now has a tip jar on his desk? I don’t know if that’s appropriate.

If they do a movie about Charlie Rangel, Harvey Fierstein already has the voice down.

I like it when liberals have jobs because that’s the only way we can contort their statements to get them fired.

Writing a column on how to solve the issue of race. Decided it was time I finally did something about it. You’re welcome.

This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Luke:

From me (Harvey):

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Phreshone:

From Phreshone:

From Travelwise42:

That’s Obama with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

President Obama would like his daughters to eventually earn some money babysitting. It would be a good lesson for them to learn that it takes hard work to get money, but that would be the first step towards them rebelling against their father’s politics and joining a Tea Party. Still, I think a lot of people will jump at having Malia and Sasha babysit for them because they think that means the Secret Service will be there helping protect the kids. Yes, but they’re only tasked to protect the president’s daughters. If terrorists attack, they’ll toss your baby out to the terrorists as a distraction, saying, “Kill this baby instead!” Malia and Sasha would probably be against that — as any kid would — because I assume you don’t get paid in that situation. Terrorists ruin everything.

With the leak of the tens of thousands of documents on Afghanistan, it kind of sounds like we have a problem in our government of people leaking secret documents. Here are some ideas to stop that:

* Cover random secret documents with Ebola virus. Then finding the leaker is as simple as seeing who is bleeding out his eyes.

* Have a guardian stand before our secret documents, making everyone answer three questions to prove whether he is worthy to see them.

* When the leaker brings the documents to the New York Times, then you grab him because you secretly shipped everyone there to Gitmo and replaced them with doubles (Paul Krugman is a goat in a suit).

* The cabinet we keep all the secret documents in: Put a lock on it.

* Stop handing out free secret documents at tours even though it gets the tourists really excited. Also, stop giving tours of secret document facilities.

* When the leaker is found, draw and quarter him and put each piece at one of the four corners of the earth as a warning to others. You may need air fresheners, because that could smell.

* Have a guy standing in the shadows smoking a cigarette watching everyone who learns government secrets.

* Never ever write anything secret down.

* For the people allowed access to secret documents, try to look for red flags in their backgrounds that show that they might not have the best interests of our country in mind, such as if they voted Democrat.

Read the rest of this entry »

I hear Paul Krugman is a good economist, but I think he’d make an even better muppet.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited for Election Day as I am this year. Because I’ll have a baby daughter then.

The election results should be interesting too, but meh.

Breitbart’s Plan:
Phase 1: Embarrass White House and NAACP
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Slavery

Democrats are mad at Breitbart for wanting to bring back slavery because that was their original universal employment plan.

It should be noted, though, that only one of the two major political parties has always been against slavery.

I think it’s fair to say the members of the Journolist don’t understand all the ways it makes them look like moron, partisan hacks.

I am getting sick and tired of telling Lenny about the rabbits.

PROBLEM: Too few jobs.
FACT: Rich people create most jobs.
SOLUTION: Tax rich people!

There’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At the end of a double rainbow are the millions of jobs saved or created by Obama.

So Charles Rangel is super corrupt — which is a surprise to no one but it’s interesting that it looks like they’re actually going to do something about it now. Why do we let this stuff go on so long, though? Do we have trouble finding which politicians are corrupt? I’ll give you a hint on that: It’s pretty much all of them.

We send incompetent sociopaths to run things in Washington, and if they weren’t corrupt already they soon will be with their new power. So should we stop electing incompetent sociopaths. Well, that’s not really practical. Instead, let’s just assume they all are criminals already. We get everyone in Congress ankle bracelets and parole officers and monitor them 24/7. Frankly, if you’re an elected official, you shouldn’t have a single private conversation while serving; that’s a trade off for the job. As soon as we start treating all our politicians as criminals, we’ll be less disappointed in them.

In Emperor Obama’s kingdom, there was a shortage of jobs. So Obama hired smart economists with degrees and stuff who sounded really super smart to get jobs. So they went to work making jobs, seizing all the assets of the land to spend on their schemes. Soon, the economists when to Obama and said, “We’ve saved and created many new jobs, but they’re completely invisible to dumb, racist teabaggers. So if you can’t see the jobs–”

“I can see the jobs!” Obama interrupted. “I’m smart! I can see millions of them!”

So Obama ran out to address his people. “I am happy to announce we’ve saved or created 3.6 million new jobs. That makes me the smartest emperor ever. And if it seems like we’ve only lost more jobs since I’ve went to work on the issue, that’s because the jobs are invisible to stupid people who are racist and stuff.”

A lone child then yelled out, “The Emperor has no jobs!” But no one could hear the child over everyone laughing at what a stupid dummy the Emperor was. And no one worried the Emperor would do anything to them because he was completely impotent.

THE END

So Shirley Sherrod said Breitbart wants to take us back to the days of slavery, which seems like an odd charge to make — nuts as some might say. And Howard Dean said FOX News is “absolutely racist” for reporting on news that was made by Obama firing someone for being racist. Again, some people might find this confusing. You might think that racism involves judging other people on their race, but that’s a common mis-perception of dumb crackers. Here’s how liberals can tell if someone is racist:

* He doesn’t like taxes.

* He doesn’t like big government.

* He notices Obama’s incompetence.

* He doesn’t think liberals are super-duper smart.

You ever get the feeling that liberals don’t really care about racism and just like tossing the charge around because they think it can help them politically? If they thought charging the Tea Parties with being too nice to minorities could hurt Tea Parties politically, they’d make that charge instead. And if joining the KKK and lynching minorities could help them enact progressive policies, liberals would be all over that. It’s like how they are much harsher in their rhetoric towards conservatives who are minorities because they find those conservatives extra threatening (if a large portion of black break towards the Republicans, liberals are doomed). So does being meaner to someone because of his or her race (like how liberals are extra mean to Michelle Malkin) make liberals racist? Strictly speaking, I guess so, but the motivator isn’t race it’s just pure partisan politics — the same as any other action liberals do. Liberals are just happy to use racism when they think it benefits them politically and yell about imagined racism when they think that is beneficial.

In a more just world, liberals would no longer be able to charge racism because they’ve used up all their credibility on that issue. If they honestly thought someone was racism and wanted to call him on it, they’d have to ask a conservative to confirm the racism and give them permission to use that charge. Of course, if spotting racism wasn’t politically beneficial to liberals, they probably wouldn’t care about it.

Breitbart is the new William F. Buckley if every liberal is the new Gore Vidal.

Now that I have an iPad, anytime I use my big laptop I feel like a caveman.

I remember when charges of extremism and racism weren’t completely partisan in motivation. Or maybe I’m thinking of some fiction I read.

In this time of high unemployment and many threats abroad, our biggest problem is imaginary racism.

Shorter Obama: “Can you get that jar from the high shelf? I can’t reach it.”

So apparently Sherrod hasn’t learned a single lesson about baseless charges of racism. You can charge Breitbart with being an irresponsible political hack, but to say he want to bring the country back to the time of slavery you have to be a loony toon.

Sherrod: “I want him to show me how he’s not a racist.” How do you do that?

It would be nice if we had a blood test so you could get a certificate showing you’re not a racist.

Still, moronic conversations about race are leagues better than how things used to be forty years ago.

Wait, I forgot that forty only gets us back to the 70s now. Let’s say fifty.

Remember when Bush showed up to the State of the Union address dressed up like Aquaman because someone told him it was a costume party? I miss him. Good times.

Exception handling! It’s like 50% of programming is for 5% of use cases.

Still haven’t finished watching the first season of Mad Men through Netflix. It’s… well made.

Episode 7, from 7-11-05 is now available.

* Pre-introduction: SarahK the CPA
* Introduction & sponsors
* The IMAO crew goes to Iraq (Part 1)
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Connecticut (Part 1)
* PSA: Driver Safety
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Connecticut (Part 2)
* SarahK: She Blonded Me with Science
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Ninjas
* Frank Discourse (Roundtable): Terrorism (root causes, group therapy as a solution), Are we in the End of Times?, the Dave Matthews concert, Greg Gutfield, How to pimp the blog on Rush Limbaugh’s show, Frank & Sarah’s wedding
* Frank: Conclusion, listener emails
* The IMAO crew goes to Iraq (Part 2)

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

Our own Wacky Hermit sent us little elf baby booties from her Curious Workmanship company. SarahK about died when she saw them and I’m sure they’ll be cute on Princess Buttercup this Christmas.

Also, I got the book Whiny Little Bitch: The Excuse-Filled Presidency of Barack Obama (also available on Kindle). It looks like a funny read, and on the back it even says, “100 jobs were created or saved by publishing this book” so you have that too.

For those worried the Captain America in the new movie is going to be some flag-waver, have no fear! It’s going to be set during WWII, and the last thing we want is some American fighting Nazis while being all patriotic about it.

Part of this change, of course, is that Hollywood is full of liberal douches (who, in a better world, we would deport to make room for more illegal Mexicans), but part of it is also for international sales where American patriotism is thought to be bad. But in the rest of the world are they going to like that by fighting Nazis Captain America will be helping Jews? Maybe to really appeal to the rest of the world, Captain America can get a message from the future making his main mission to stop the creation of Israel.

It’s like the people who used to be the villains in movies that existed only to be blown up and shot are now the audience Hollywood is trying to appeal to. Poor Captain America. Maybe Hollywood can do the merciful thing and kill him again.

I was wondering who actually watches Keith Olbermann anymore. Don’t even most liberals find him to be a joke now?

Yep.

The elites at the Journolists (elites including those who comically threaten to put people through plate glass windows) can’t even stand him and find him incredibly pompous (though I have to say it’s wrong for them to compare Olbermann to Hannity and O’Reilly since they actually have people who disagree with them on their shows and don’t shrink away form that like a vampire from sunlight). So who are these liberals dumb enough to still take Olbermann seriously? I imagine his average viewer is some guy jumping up and down excitedly while screeching, “No likee booosh!!!” and wetting his pants. And laughing about how stupid Sarah Palin and “rethuglicans” while trying to get his tongue unstuck from the DVD player.

I hate to break the news to you, but I don’t think we’re going to have Olbermann to kick around very much longer.

The Great Landlord has provided me with another bounty of spam comments!

Do you have to employ a credit card to place the order?

Yes, but it is very hard to get a credit card employment in this economy. Curse you, Obama!

Ok so i came upon your site from this other site that spoke about some diet solutions? Anyways, i took the time to read your page but i’m slightly confused… Either way, you’re a decent writer and i wanted to take the effort to write a thank you! I’ve bookedmarked your site for future reference.

Oh yeah. The other site. We don’t like to talk about the other site. Definitely stick with IMAO for your diet solutions. Yes, are solutions are slightly confusing, but I think my decent writing makes it worth it. Anyway, I really recommend my eat nothing but platypus diet. It works well for most people, except some people who live near rivers in Australia get fat.

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And you is/was/were/has been/wasn’t my favorite commenter! I do try to keep my operate fine, but how you talk about looking at my back is creepy. That’s not you staring through the window right now, is it? No, that’s Al Gore. Shoo!

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Well, thank you, I… Wait a second. Who is this “great buddy”? You better not hold him in the same esteem as the Great Landlord. That would be sacrilege!

Great! This article is creative? There are a lot of new ideas. It gives me inspiration. I think I will also inspired by you and think about more new ideas.

Well don’t ask me if the article is creative. I just cut and pasted it from Ace of Spades. A lot of people think he’s funny but I don’t usually get the joke. And I’m not sure it’s a great idea to come up with new ideas. I prefer old ideas so I can research them on the Google.

It’s the first time I have heard that in Macedonia, obits are an unusual observe. You have wonderfully written the post. I have liked your way of writing this. Thanks for sharing this.

Well, yeah… wait, huh? How did we get to Macedonia? I thought that was a made up place like Freedonia. You’re not a serial killer killing people in different countries to find out whether they have obits or not? Well, I guess it’s a somewhat interesting hobby.

It’s not so much an argument Reid should not be Senator as that he should be in a nursing home with 24/7 care.

I hear Ackerman now carries around a plate-glass window in case he see someone who needs to go through it.

Ackerman is one tough cookie. I hear the pimple cream he uses every morning could clear up a warthog.

So how do you tell a regular glass window from a plate-glass window. Has Ackerman blogged on this?

So FOX News’s biggest mistake was assuming the White House fired Sherrod for legitimate reasons. Lesson: Never assume Obama competence.

I ran into Spencer Ackerman and I was so scared! Luckily there were no plate glass windows around so I was safe.

The Spencer Ackerman of the future puts people through plates of transparent aluminum.

Are we being unfair to Ackerman? Maybe DailyCaller left out the part where he learned it’s wrong to put people through plate glass windows.

The future of journalism is in good hands. Hardly ever did Cronkite report on something without someone going through a plate glass window.

Is “NOT the whiteman’s bitch” offensive? Does that mean I have to change my business cards?

I think Sherrod should apologize to Breitbart. I’ll think of a reason later.

So did everyone find out our right-wing conspiracy to slander Sherrod? Who ratted?

Here’s a fun music video:

And with all the talk of melodramatic Glenn Beck, I forgot the joys of classic radio Glenn Beck:

Here’s a question: Can you think of anyone more pretentious than Keith Olbermann?

Hey, Olbermann, not everyone can afford to go to a fancy agricultural college!

(hat tip Hot Air)

John Hawkins put out a list of the must follow conservatives on Twitter, and it is a very good list. It includes me (of course) and also SarahK.

I know some of you are resistant to Twitter, but you’re starting to sound like old fogies who still demand to get their news through the newspaper. Twitter is where all the important stuff breaks these days. And it’s the number one place to be if you’re a Justin Bieber fan.

The U.S. Navy has lasers shooting down drones. This sounds pretty awesome, but who are we supposed to be using this advanced technology against? I mean, we have stealth bombers and lasers and nuclear subs, but our enemies these days are dimwits with AK-47s hanging out in caves. They can hardly send a donkey with a bomb strapped to it after us; they’re not going to send drones after us. All this advanced tech only seems to make sense if we were at war with ourselves.

Maybe one day advanced aliens will come to earth and get all up in our faces and we’ll be at war with them and get good use of our drone-shooting lasers, but until then we need something better adapted to taking out Ahmed as he runs around firing his old Russian rifle inaccurately as he screams, “Allāhu Akbar!” Now dinosaurs with rocket launchers on their backs would be just perfect for that. They’d fire rockets into caves and chomp down on all the terrorists that scurried out. It’s tech that just makes sense for our current threats.