Stephen Hawking has said that physics, not God, was the reason for the Big Bang, a pronouncement that should shatter religious views among those who’ve never spent more than three minutes in theological thought. I mean, he might be smart at science, but this is dumb teenager level on theology.

“Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing,” said Hawking. So I should I point out the obvious? If you have gravity, then it wasn’t nothing, dummy! I mean you can say physics causing something to come from nothing, but where did the laws of physics come from? Did they spontaneously arise? If so, what caused that? Were they around forever? Are you saying physics just is, like God?

The fact is, if the universe were pure nothing — no energy or matter or laws governing them — then science would be very much able to explain everything. You don’t need God or forces outside science for nothing. But as soon as you have something — anything — you get a whole bunch of uncomfortable questions about where did that come from. Existence isn’t rational. And that’s when you move from science to Science! to try to get the square peg into the logical round hole.

So the reason we get crazy people like the Discovery Channel hostage taker is people have extreme views and stuff, and they probably shouldn’t have those. I don’t know where people get extreme views from; maybe it’s from kids on the playground. Anyway, parents should be very careful your kids don’t have extreme views, and if their views get extreme, you should give them a spanking.

Perhaps some people don’t know their views are extreme. That’s silly. It’s very easy to tell if you’re views are extreme. If every time you tell people your views, everyone is like, “That’s crazy!” That means your views are extreme.

But what if people just aren’t enlightened enough on the subject?

That’s not the case. Your views are extreme. Get better views.

I’m pretty sure I’m right and everyone else is just an unthinking sheeple!

No. You are wrong. You have extreme, crazy views and you should stop that.

RON PAUL!

I said stop that! Stop that now!

Wait, who am I talking to?

Anyway, test out your views and if people say they’re crazy, they probably are. But test them out with lots of different people. Like if you’ve only told your views to professors and students on a college campus and they all think you’re super correct, that’s actually a sign your views are both extreme and hugely moronic.

So go out there, and don’t be extreme!

The left keep saying that all of the right’s talk about not liking taxes and big government is going to lead to violence or something, but then it seems like it’s just the left that’s been going crazy lately. Which makes sense. Why do people become violent? Often because they feel voiceless and powerless. Why would the right feel like that, though? They have people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck constantly annoying liberals so they don’t feel voiceless, and they’re on their way to trounce the left in November, so there is no reason to feel powerless.

What about the left, though? They’re starting to feel voiceless as the MSM is losing influence and all their big lefty heroes like Olbermann have pathetic audiences compared to FOX News reruns. Also, all the issues the left has been doubling down on like the Arizona immigration law and the Ground Zero mosque has only increased the support for the other side, showing Americans are very actively not listening to the left. And how powerless the left must feel as they head for November. The election of Obama with a filibuster proof Senate and a huge majority in the House is the most power liberals will see in their lifetime, and they only got a couple things done which Americans are now itching to tear down. When you look at it that way, there is a huge risk of the left becoming even more unhinged and possibly violent.

The solution: Shove liberals into boxes marked “Do Not Open Until Christmas.” By then, most of the craziness will have passed. Also, now we’ll have a new gift for bad children other than lumps of precious precious coal.

Just make sure to put the liberals into the boxes gently so they don’t accuse us of being violent.

No amount of actual left-wing violence will stop the whining about potential right-wing violence.

A big part of that is no take the left seriously as a physical threat. Or as anything else, for that matter.

From the Discovery Channel hostage taker’s manifesto, the guy sounds pretty crazy… almost enough to fit in at the Daily Kos.

So how do they make this guy right-wing? He hates humans… which means he hates minorities which are a subset of humans!

Kinda sounds like a manifesto one of the V would write. “Filthy human children!”

Did Obama once say something about people being punished with disgusting human babies?

The solution is that people shouldn’t have like extreme views and stuff.

So did the left learn their lesson now or are they still claiming Stack was a right-winger?

No reason to blame Lee on left; the despicable morons who tried to blame previous crazy people on the right just need to apologize.

Trying to get people to shut up by saying their views could lead to violence is antithetical to the idea of free speech.

The left who try to shut up people by dismissing them as racist or saying they’re violent hate free speech.

I guess its possible that all the nonsense talk about the right being violent could make the left more crazy and violent.

It just seems like we should be able to discuss taxes and the role of government without worry about what crazy people will do.

I’ll tell you now what crazy people will do: Crazy things!

Anyway, expect the left to get crazier and more desperate as November approaches. Possibly violent!

All of society agrees that software agreements are just theater and no one actually reads them, right?

It just occurred to me it’s someone’s job to write those software agreements. Guessing high suicide rate for that occupation.

18 months paid paternity leave in Sweden? What the what? I’d like a week off when our kids is born, but how could I take 18 months off and not feel like a complete bum? Also, if your company can do without you for 18 months, you must not do anything very important in the first place.

I’m pretty sure most of Europe now only exists because America is around to do everything useful.

Here’s an awesome action sequence:

I’ve always wanted to make an action movie. I figure I’ll come up with some cool action sequence ideas and then I’ll just build the movie plot around it. It’s pretty simple; you just have everybody after a MacGuffin or something. Doesn’t matter what.

Anyway, here are some of my action scene ideas:

* Submarine gets attacked by scuba diving Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* Kung fu fight between a man and a grizzly bear with a chainsaw.

* Epic lasergun battle with vampire Hitler.

* Giant robot punches out the moon.

* Old west shootout with sharks with guns.

* Ninjas beat up zombie hippies.

* Main evil villain finished off by being shot with a baboon cannon (that’s a cannon that fires baboons, not a cannon that turns people into baboons — that would be a baboon transfiguration cannon).

I don’t know if I can put all that action in one film as the MPAA might object; probably wouldn’t let me do it unless I put in some message about saving the environment or something. I hate them.

What do you want to see in an action sequence?

There has been a resurgence lately of bedbugs, especially in New York City, so I thought I’d do everyone a favor and get my crack research team to find out all they can on the menace known as bedbugs.

FUN FACT ABOUT BEDBUGS

* Bedbugs live on mammal blood, though they sometimes eat at Arby’s.

* Among the college-age, they’re known as futonbugs.

* Bedbugs sleep all day and then come out at night and drink your blood. Sometimes they don’t even leave marks so you wouldn’t even know the next day. You’re probably covered in bed bug bites and bed bug eggs right now and don’t even know it. Stay away from me! Unclean!

* Despite the name, bedbugs are not true bugs. Nothing is a true bug to scientists, in fact. To them, “bug” is a title you strive for but can never quite achieve.

* If you know your home has bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone. People will assume you live in filth and shun you like an Amish man with an iPod.

* Bedbugs had mainly died out in the first half of the last century, but then had a resurgence starting in in the mid-nineties, probably reintroduced by Bill Clinton sleeping around with people.

* In a fight between Aquaman and bedbugs, Aquaman would be pretty safe because he sleeps underwater. And frankly, Aquaman doesn’t care if you’re itchy.

* If you find yourself surrounded by bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. Especially if they’ve teamed up with Freddy Kruger.

* Bedbugs have had the biggest resurgence in New York City. Apparently, the things that repel bedbugs are smoking, transfats, and salt.

* Many people will tell others, “Goodnight; don’t let the bedbugs bite.” But they’re not like vampires; you don’t have to invite them in. They’ll drink your blood even without permission.

* Actually, since they already drink blood, how could you even tell if a bedbug had become a vampire? I’d sleep with some garlic just in case.

* Are you feeling itchy right now? A little itchy somewhere? I bet you’re feeling a little itchy. Bedbugs!

* If you think you have bedbugs, spray with DDT. The EPA may object, but you can just bind and gag the EPA agents and throw them in your crawl space as that’s completely environmentally safe.

* There are dogs trained to sniff out bedbugs and they are very efficient at it, though not as efficient as the dogs trained to find cooked bacon.

* A serious bedbug infestation can cause anxiety, stress, insomnia, and, if the the bedbugs are radioactive, superpowers.

* I bet you’re feeling itchy. Bedbugs!

So Obama gave a speech about the Iraq War because it’s like over or something. I don’t know; I didn’t watch the speech since… well, it was a speech.

Anyway, I think we need to give some credit to Obama for not screwing things up in Iraq. He has shown an ability to really screw things up, but, for some reason, he just never decided to screw up the Iraq War and that was awesome of him. Instead, he just continued the policies of Bush who, though he may have been a sucky president at times, was superior to Obama in every conceivable way.

So Obama says he’s now going to focus Afghanistan, but I hope he isn’t really going to focus on it. Like, he’ll leave it to generals and stuff while he fiddles around with other things. That would also be awesome of him. We really need to find something Obama can focus on that none of us care about. Like the environment. I don’t care if his bumbling destroys the environment, as I never really liked it. Especially squirrels which are a part of the environment.

Anyway, since it can’t be said enough, thanks to all those who serve in the military and keep us safe so we can blog stupid stuff.

If Obama is not a Muslim, why does he keep lying about being a Muslim like we know all Muslims do?

Eh on “The Blaze.” Current headline is “Explicit Poetry GPS Phones Help Illegals”. I don’t even know how to parse that sentence. News sites need to scream something on the homepage to get me to click, not confound me.

If I ran a publishing company, my default rejection letter would be, “Your book is stupid and so are you.”

So has anyone tried dressing up as a cowboy pirate before, or can I copyright that?

The opinion is the Sarah Palin robocalls in Alaska had a big effect? I don’t know of any robocall that did anything other than make me mad.

Wait: There was that robocall from the police about break-ins in the area that motivated me to buy a $200 shotgun from Wal-Mart.

Do people like me for me or do they only like me for how incredibly awesome I am?

I was hoping the country wouldn’t be returning to 1930s depression conditions, but the resurgence of bed bugs isn’t encouraging.

HELP! I’m still desperately in need of captioned versions of last week’s lolbama! pic:

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

---

From me (Harvey):

From Melissa:


From Melissa:

[reference link]

From me (Harvey):

---

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Blaine:

From DamnCat:

From me (Harvey):

[reference link]

From killingthemonkey:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris:

---

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

---

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot’s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

The whole Ground Zero mosque thing where liberals are convinced its bigotry to even for a second use any critical thinking whatsoever about a Muslim’s motivations is pretty odd. Most people when they hear some Muslims want to build a mosque as close as possible to ground zero would get a little suspicious — because that’s the rational response — but the liberals just clamped their hands over their years and yelled, “Bigotry!” over and over.

Here’s the liberal thinking as I see it. We had a bunch of Muslim terrorists kill thousands of people. So people, naturally are suspicious of Muslims, even though most Muslims in this country wouldn’t kill anyone. Thus, people want Muslims checked when they go on an airplane, but that’s discriminatory so we end up also checking 80-year-old white women just to be fair. And then the liberals comes along and says, “Know what would be really non-discriminatory? We don’t ever check any Muslims to really show them we trust them and only scrutinize 80-year-old white women.” And thus they lost the rational point in the symbolism — that there are a few Muslims we still need to scrutinize — but they’ll scream bigotry if you try and point that out to them.

So point is, as always, liberals are idiots and should never be listened to on any serious subject. Instead of national policy, put them in charge of decorations for the homecoming dance or something.

Wow. The president’s a dork.

All the serious problems in the world, and we got Pee-wee Herman as our leader. I’ve seen sparkly vampires with a more intimidating presences. Meanwhile, Vladamir Putin is shooting whales with a crossbow. That sounds dangerous, but you don’t see him with a “I’m a dork!” helmet.

Our enemies just aren’t going to take Obama seriously unless we find some way to butch him up somehow. Here are some ideas:

* Make him part cyborg, like Cheney.

* Make him look more muscular by giving him fake muscles molded from Michelle Obama’s arms.

* Get him fool pitying lessons from Mr. T (but make sure it doesn’t devolve into self-pity).

* If he needs an anecdote things getting more expensive, instead of talking about the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods, have him mention the rising costs of chainsaws at Home Depot or talk about how expensive ammo is getting.

* Do something about those ears; he looks like Mickey Mouse.

* When he’s angry, make sure he doesn’t use the phrase “Wee wee’d up.” Actually, try in general to keep him from talking like a three-year-old.

* Have him constantly inhale sulfur hexafluoride gas so he’ll have a deep, intimidating voice.

* You can’t keep people from comparing him to Spock, but you can at least stop giving him a bowl cut and take away his toy tricorder.

* Instead of a dorky bike helmet, how about one of those WWI helmets with the spike on top. And instead of a Schwinn, how about a Harley. And instead of Obama, how about an actor stand in like Samuel L. Jackson.

* Cowboy hat. Patch eye. Six-shooter. Peg leg. Yeah, that’s it: Cowboy pirate.

What are your ideas to make Obama less dorky?

It’s really looking that way. Gallup has Republicans leading in a generic ballot by 10 points. A five point lead was the highest Republicans ever had in the history of Gallup, and for comparison I believe Republicans were tied with Democrats in the poll in 1994.

The only thing, of course, is that Republicans still suck and we expect them to disappoint us quickly after they’re elected. And polls still show that in general people don’t like Republicans. Still, it’s a different “not like” versus people not liking Democrats right now. It’s like not liking the over-talkative guy at work versus not liking a serial rapist.

Anyway, don’t get cocky, but at least be prepared for monumental gloating on November 3rd.

Bolton/’Stache 2012… or should that be ‘Stache/Bolton 2012?

I don’t listen to excuses. It’s not that I don’t like excuses; I just hate listening.

The next door neighbor has chickens and they’re always clucking at me. It’s like living next door to Gob Bluth.

I really like Modern Family, yet I still don’t get all the over the top love for it.

2nd draft of novel finished. 87,000 words – a little shorter than I was hoping. Plan to bulk it up a bit in the final draft. I like writing dialog, but I hate writing descriptions. Descriptions are… something.

I remember this long bit of text – I think by Dickens – that was just describing one tree. Very admirable. And boring.

Not quite sure what the next step is after I finish my novel, but I’m pretty sure phase 3 is “Profit.”

All the weirdos on True Blood are starting to make me miss the sparkly vampires.

I’m going to try a few things at home, and if it turns out poorly I’ll warn people not to try those things at home.

I’m only 31, and I’m not sure that’s quite old enough to be ranting about kids these days, but I am conservative so it does seem like I might as well get an early start. Anyway…

Have you seen kids these days and their video games? Kids just don’t appreciate what a video game is really about. If they tried playing Donkey Kong, after a few minutes they’d say, “Now how do I get online to pwn some n00bs?” Back in my day, video games weren’t about pwning n00bs and there wasn’t a line to be on. Video games were just about demonstrating your individual skill and getting a high score so you could put your initials in as “ASS”.

And what’s with all the story in video games? Video games these days all need to have cut scenes and voice acting. What for? Back in my day, video games didn’t have stories. Why did Pac-Man need to eat all the dots on the screen? Because it was a video game and that was the objective, that’s why. If I wanted a story, I’d have a read a book. And I never did.

And what’s with all the sandbox games? So many games these days just let you wander around and do nothing in particular, and kids these days think that’s so cool. “Wow; I can just run around town doing whatever I want!” I already have a place I can wander around aimlessly, though: It’s called life. In a video game, I want set objectives and I want to get them done. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly for hours I’d go to Home Depot.

And finally, because of their video games, kids these days don’t value life anymore. They have their home consoles with Grand Theft Auto, and if they die they just wake up at the hospital and get back to things like nothing happened. But back in my day, we knew the value of life: Three lives for a quarter. That’s right: Lives used to cost money. And that made them precious. Kids these days don’t appreciate that.

So Glenn Beck held a rally in DC over the weekend, and… Well, I don’t really know what the point of it was. I guess I’m not a rally person. But man, did liberals freak out about it. That’s a lot of people who showed up because they don’t like the way the liberals are running things. But don’t worry: The liberals’ hive mind came up with a way to try and dismiss the whole thing: It was predominantly white.

Isn’t it just a little creepy that predominantly white journalists are as racially obsessed as the KKK? And what if they applied this race obsession to everything else?

“Today, the predominantly white White House Press Corps asked questions about the president’s predominantly white cabinet. The predominantly white Robert Gibbs assured them that they were working towards the best interests of the predominantly white United States of America, but he had to cut questions short as he was going on vacation with his predominantly white family. Now, stay tuned for the Emmy-winning, predominantly white Modern Family. Predominantly white people love it!”

Anyway, predominantly white liberals can find all the reasons they want to dismiss people’s concerns about this country, but it will be a bunch of predominantly white Democrats who will be getting dismissed in November.

So when is someone finally going to shut down the terrorist factory called Talking Points Memo before it produces more violence?

I hope Obama will consider November 2nd a teachable moment.

I’d be more excited for Election Day if I weren’t so sick of politics. I’m willing to give anarchy a try. ANRACHY!

Whoops; misspelled “ANARCHY!” But proper spelling doesn’t matter in anarchy.

I should just start claiming English is my 2nd language so people cut me more slack.

Hmm… what should I claim as my first language? I know a little Latin…

You don’t have your priorities straight if Glenn Beck makes your top 1000 list of “Things to Worry About”.

I don’t want to stir things up with controversial opinions, but I think that Levi Johnston character might be a bit of a creep.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. Civil rights will now involved 60% more crying.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. New civil right: Access to chalk boards.

Glenn Beck is hijacking the civil rights movement. This is almost as bad as the time he stole that brick wall from RedEye.

Tricksey Amazon.com. Wasn’t planning to buy a game yet, but you get $20 video game credit for preorder
. Now I’m buying two games!

Looks like I have a choice today of making fun of Glenn Beck or those sneering at Glenn Beck. Hmm, can I make fun of both…

I guess I could not make fun of anyone and promote peace and understanding, but boy does that sound boring.

I just don’t get the Glenn Beck fear. “Oh no! Bozo the Clown is going to start a violent coup!”

Does the opening theme to Dexter make anyone else think of the Secret of Monkey Island?

The gathering of white people in DC sure seemed to scare a lot of white people.

IMAO Podcast Reruns (8-15-05)

Episode 12, from 8-15-05 is now available.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

Production Note: Due to an error in editing down my Fun Facts material, former producer Scott cut out the line that I used as a callback during my epilogue. Here it is for reference:

“Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don’t mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.”

* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 1)
* Introduction & sponsors
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 2)
* “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Aquaman
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 1
* Spacemonkey: My Superpower
* Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 2
* Right Wing Duck: My Superpower
* “Ask Ducky” with guest host Spacemonkey
* Laurence Simon: My Superpower
* SarahK: She Blonded Me With Science
* Harvey: My Superpower
* Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Tortoise and the Hare
* Frank J: My Superpower
* Buck the Marine: Batman
* Spacemonkey: American Monkey
* SarahK: My Superpower
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 3)
* SarahK reviews Toby Keith’s Big Throwdown Tour #2
* Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 4)
* Frank: Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: I offer no guarantees as to the quality of the audio or of the material. Listen at your own risk.

Enjoy the show.

My local Little League baseball team was knocked out of the Little League World Series yesterday. The West team, from Waipahu, Hawaii, beat the Southeast team, from Columbus, Georgia.

Ever since Barack Obama was thrust onto the national scene, the Hawaii has been tainted by association. However, Barack Obama doesn’t have any connection with Hawaii Little League. None whatsoever.

I mean, you’ve seen him try to throw a baseball, right?

Plus, Little League requires a birth certificate.

If I had to name one thing that was liberals biggest problem election-wise, it’s their inability to listen. That wasn’t a big a problem when they were out of power and the opposition, but it’s destroying them now. Liberals like to think the right is crazy and angry, but the right actually does understand the liberals viewpoint. And rejects it. The left, though, doesn’t understand the right; they’re too busy screaming “bigot” and “racist” to even understand what the right is objecting to. While in power, they’ve ignored everyone’s concerns — even deriding those concerns they don’t even understand — and that’s just suicide in a democracy. Now the American people are done listening to the left; I’d say at least 60% of American stop paying attention to the left as soon as they make accusations of racism and bigotry — and that number is only rising. Just look at all the big issues lately: The more the left shouts, the more people turn against them. It’s not so much the Tea Party is so popular as it’s baiting liberals into being even more unpleasant and unlikeable.

That’s the nice thing about the system we have; no matter how much some people scream or cry, they don’t get to ignore election results.

Iran has their own armed aerial drone. According to experts, it sucks, but at least they seem to be making advancements in naming them as [Google "Iran President"; cut and paste name here] called the drone the “ambassador of death.” So what would you name your UAV? Here are some of my ideas:

The Diplomat of Destruction
The Monarch of Murder
The Archduke of Annihilation
The Emperor of Explosions
The Prime Minister of Pain
The Senator of Slaying
The Comptroller of Killing
The Member of the House of Lords of Making People Not Alive Anymore
Mr. Explodey

So what would you call your armed aerial drone?

New York cabdriver is stabbed for being Muslim!

The stabber works for a liberal peace group that supports the construction of the mosque (the cabdriver is against construction of the mosque).

Congressman muses about Nancy Pelosi dying!

The Congressman is a Democrat.

Democrat Russ Carnahan’s campaign office was firebombed!

Prime suspect is one of Carnahan’s staffers who had blogged for the left-wing site Talking Points Memo.

Man goes into mosque in New York shouting anti-Muslim slurs and urinates on prayer rugs!

Man was so drunk he didn’t know where he was. Early reports of anti-Muslim slurs were false. Not being pursued as hate crime.

You almost have to feel for the liberals at this point. They keep getting so close to that example of right-wing violence and hate that they’re salivating over, and then Lucy keeps pulling away the football. It’s like liberals have gotten so annoying, they’ve actually annoyed God, and now He is toying with them.

It was hoped liberals would calm down a bit after Obama was elected, but they only got even more hysterical and paranoid. Maybe then they’ll calm down a bit if there’s a huge Republican wave in November. All this power the liberals currently have to bitterly cling to is making them cranky.

Things sucked in 2008. And all the GOP has to do is return us to that condition and they’ll look like heroes.

Know what would be a great anti-Barbara Boxer shirt? Those from Al Bundy’s “No Ma’am” club.

Smart idea would be for Democrats to give up now and save all that money they would have spent on campaigning for 2012.

Confession: I’ve never completely understood who 50 cent is. Rapper of some sort, I’m assuming.

Pictures like this always makes me laugh. “Dude, stop waving at me and RUN!”

You may recall a week or so ago when word came out that Cleveland was putting high-tech trash cans out that would rat out people who don’t recycle.

The trash cans have chips inside that can tell when you take the recycle can to the curb … and when you don’t. And that’s the key. When you don’t … and if it thinks you’ve gone too long without taking out recyclables, it will contact the city and tell them. Then they send a trash cop out to look around in your trash.

I don’t think I like the idea. Because, well, what has Cleveland ever done that was a good idea? No, really. Okay, they signed Jim Brown to play football, but that was 53 years ago. And he quit playing football after nine years. Even a bad-ass like Jim Brown couldn’t stomach Cleveland for too long.

Smart trash cans isn’t along the line as sign-Jim-Brown-to-play-football smart. It’s stupid. The trash cans are smart, but the whole idea is stupid.

Really, do you want your trash can calling and telling on you? I bet even Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want a tattle-tell trash can.

But, maybe, just maybe, we can use that technology for something good instead of narcing on you about recycling.

For instance, we could put those chips in Obama’s golf clubs. Then, if he goes too long without taking the clubs to a golf course, then me might be in Washington trying to screw up the country some more. It could call someone who would send him a free pass to a golf course. As long as Obama is hitting the links, he’s not hitting the economy in the nuts.

There could be chips placed on Democrat Congressmen. When too many get together at one time, you know they’re planning something bad. So, it would call Fox News or Andrew Breitbart and they’d show up with a camera, scaring the Democrat Congressmen back into their little holes in the ground.

They could put one on Rosie O’Donnell. That way, whenever she showed up somewhere, it could call anyone in the area so they could run away.

One on Al Gore could call the police whenever he got near a masseuse.

One on Barney Frank could call the police whenever he went out in public.

One on Roman Polanski could call all the parents of teenage girls so they could hide their daughters.

One on Ron Paul could call everybody whenever he went somewhere. His supporters would all show up, and the rest of us could go somewhere else, confident that we’d be free of them for a few minutes.

So, maybe we could take the technology Cleveland is using to play trash police and put it to some good use.

Apparently Japan has a Democratic Party (which makes sense since the country has been like in a recession for twenty years), and for some reasons he gave some speech in which he called American “simple-minded.” Okay, where do other countries get this idea that they’re smart and America is stupid? If other countries are full of smart people, then how come they suck so much? Isn’t that a definitive measure of how smart you are: Your country’s awesomeness? And America continues to be way more powerful, richer, and influential than any other country out there.

It’s like a squirrel saying, “Americans are so stupid; they can’t even scamper up trees.” But what we can do is capture the squirrel in little cages, put them in homemade PVC pipe bazookas, and fire them through the air showing once and for all who sucks and who is awesome. And since Japan doesn’t really have much of an army, we can pretty much do the same to them.

I think a reason Republicans are going to do really well in November is that while when Obama was elected people had a hope of him making things better, people absolutely know for certain that Republicans will make things better.

Look at this way: In 2008, America was feeling really sick and crummy. And then comes along Dr. Obama who said, “I can make you all feel better!” And everyone was really hopeful that was true — despite a few suspicions since Dr. Obama didn’t have any diplomas hanging on the wall. So America hired Obama… who then started to hit us repeatedly in the crotch. And we were all like, “Ow! Stop that! Stop that now!” And Dr. Obama said, “Shut up, stupid! I don’t have to listen to you!” And then Dr. Obama’s Democrat congress assistants held us down so he can punch us even easier.

So now it’s 2010 and people are looking to Dr. GOP. And given Dr. GOP’s record, they’re not very hopeful he’ll actually be able to cure what originally was ailing America. But there is one thing America knows for certain: The GOP will be able to get Obama to stop hitting us repeatedly in the crotch, making us all feel a ton better. And guaranteed results like that is a powerful thing.