January 24, 2015
[Could Kool-Aid Man Break Through a Wall?] (Viewer #786,896)
The country of Nepal will now issue passports with a third gender category for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people.
If this were really so important, wouldn’t they push for a third bathroom first?
[How An Airplane Is Made] (Viewer #617,224)
The first 55 seconds is just prattle about how he’s flying to Europe to tour the Airbus facility. Feel free to skip ahead to that point.
On June 30th, the world’s clocks will add a “leap second” in order to compensate for the slowing rotation of the earth.
President Obama’s dilemma – whether to spend it golfing or fundraising.
I drink coffee like your life depended on it
— Luvlyjonezzy (@2_LipiLicious) January 21, 2015
hello stylist, I'd like the All Portlandia Characters Rolled Into One pic.twitter.com/XZEOQitOVz
— Powernap5000 (@diarrhea) January 21, 2015
People who are #Humbled by awards must not understand what they are.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) January 21, 2015
I was skeptical because it's canned food, but man, does Fancy Feast taste good. And is it ever fancy!
— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 21, 2015
President: I move to lower taxes Republicans: Aye Democrats: Aye Political party who disagrees with everything made up of only horses: Nay
— Pastor Thomas (@PastorBate) January 22, 2015
I empathize with Pharaohs because I also want to die in a giant triangle
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 22, 2015
[starts to laugh while I read a book] im not even gonna call the dude ishmael
— Pepper Doctor (@IRLPepperMD) January 23, 2015
Contradicting years of dire UN warnings, new research shows the planet’s high CO2 levels are actually creating record-breaking crop yields.
Just waiting for the headline “Global Warming Causes Obesity Epidemic”.
WATCH: President Obama is speaking at the Federal Trade Commission about tackling consumer privacy. http://ofa.bo/h2Ld
“OUCH! That tackle looked like helmet-to-helmet!”
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Why are feminists so happy today?
Apparently Obama is miffed that Boehner invited Netanyahu to speak to Congress about the Israel situation without asking for His Excellency’s approval first. My insiders can tell us why Obama is so upset that Netanyahu will be coming:
- With such late notice, he’ll never have the community organized in time.
- None of the yorkies in his freezer are kosher.
- Just looking at the pictures in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion gave him recurring nightmares.
- He already avoided Paris because he was scared of terrorists, and now this?
- Netanyahu’s visit only violates protocol, and Obama is more interested in violating the Constitution.
- He’s never forgiven the Mossad for the code name they gave him: The Fresh Dunce of DC.
- When he visited Israel, Netanyahu kept photobombing all his selfies.
- He’s pretty sure Netanyahu found out that he wrote “She’s a great girl, and I bet she would have been an Obama supporter” in the Anne Frank House guestbook.
- He’s still embarrassed about when Netanyahu had him over for the Passover Feast, and he sat down in the chair reserved for Elijah and kept commenting to Mrs. Netanyahu that he thought her yeast must have turned cause the bread hadn’t risen.
- Whenever he has met with Netanyahu in the past, Michelle always complained that his balls seem to be deflated below regulation afterwards.
- He doesn’t want Netanyahu to find out he has been working with Bloomberg to draft a new tax on deli meats.
- He’s afraid that Netanyahu found out Obamacare doesn’t cover health risks posed by Qassam rockets or suicide vests.
- He’s never been able to look Netanyahu in the eye since he showed up to his grandson’s Bar Mitvah drunk and kept interrupting the ceremony and singing, ‘Hava nagila, have a tequila’ and ‘If you were a rich man, I would tax you tax you tax you tax you….’
- Jimmy Carter told him recently that Netanyahu finds mixed-race souls particularly tasty.
- He’s always felt uncomfortable around Netanyahu since Benjamin returned the Christmas gift he sent him, a membership in the bacon of the month club and an ipod with Obama reading his favorite passages from the Quran.
- The Mossad traced the Amazon 1-star review of Schindler’s List to Obama’s account, and he fears reprisals.
- Joe’s a big enough menace without the aphrodisiac gum Netanyahu always gives him.
- He’s afraid Netanyahu hasn’t forgiven him yet for slipping his dry cleaning receipt, Snickers wrappers and pocket lint into the Wailing Wall.
- What need is there for him to visit? Didn’t his Presidency already solve all those problems?
Is there a good example of someone who never earned more than minimum wage for years and years?
Inequality in the U.S. is millionaires whining and crying they’re not billionaires.
“I just can’t support a movie with a solider as the lead who isn’t portrayed as deranged or a victim.” -many on the left, apparently
I’m pretty much done with human politicians. Maybe I should find some good apes to get behind for when the apes take over.
Which is the most laissez-faire ape? The orangutan?
Parents see a 10 week fetus in ultrasound and fall in love. As long as that happens, abortion will always be horrific to many people.
The Department of Defense said that killing terrorists is “not the goal” of US airstrikes on ISIS in Iraq.
Fine. I don’t care if the goal is “knitting them fuzzy mittens” as long they end up dead.