Better Interrogation Techniques

Thanks to the ACLU, the whole world now knows what “torture” means in the United States. Here’s a partial list:

Sleep deprivation
“insult slaps”
water dousing
“walling” (slamming a detainee’s head against a wall)

Apparently, American-style torture consists of attending a frat party.

Still, there’s got to be MORE stuff they use for when these “hard-core” techniques aren’t enough. But until my Freedom of Information Act request comes back, I’m left to speculate thusly:


Switch busted in the “on” position.

* “buzz buzz buzz” – Locking the subject in a room full of breakable objects with a fly and no flyswatter.

* “shinning” – making subject walk through a pitch-black room full of shin-level coffee tables.

* “Lego walk” – same as above, but subject is barefoot and the floor is scattered with Lego pieces.

* “whiffy cat” – subject gets a cat for a “companion”, but is never allowed to clean the litter box.

* “talkin’ corn” – 6 hour drive through Nebraska with nothing but an AM radio.

* “broken glass, sudsy water” – do my dishes, bitch.

* “Nevergizer” – dead batteries in the subject’s remote.

* “South of the Border” – habanero toilet paper.

* “bottomless cup” – re-filling the subject’s half-finished coffee, thus making it impossible to restore the proper cream/sugar ratio to the beverage.

* “beep beep” – a viewing of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw“, edited for television.


What do YOU have that would crack a terrorist?

40 Comments

  1. Lock ’em in a three story house with a dog that has to constanly pee, and the omny exit three stiorys down.

    Place an order daily at a fast food drive through with a bim speaker and a non-english speaking worker.

    Give ’em a mp-3 player only loded with Obama’s handpicked speeches.

  2. I just about crapped myself laughing at those. Keep up the good work. Here is one more.

    The Whiskey Pig:
    – Tell them the only way to get free is to drink a Kennedy under the table.

  3. Those all sound good, but I still like the idea of beating them senseless until they talk. Call me old-fashioned, but I just think we ought to have some respect for “classic” interrogation methods.

  4. Lap dances from Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore

    Massage from Skeletor Pelosi

    Conjugal visits from Amy Winehouse or Hillary

    Babs Streisand (a jooooooooooo!!!!!!1!!!) singing the Koran

    The Algore slide show on continuous loop (still giggling about that one)

    Roundhouse kicks to the family jewels from Chuck Norris…on continuous loop

    Whatever the US Military wants to do with them…target practice springs to mind

  5. I used to laugh at Balloon Juice, they’re really funny as they fling their poo while calling each other intelligent and thoughtful.
    Until recently as they cheered on Obama and his SEIU thugs.

    So I went there just now, sick fascination, I just can’t laugh at them anymore, and there was a post about this that basically said,
    “So what happens when some other country does this to our soldiers and the wingnuts cry torture and the country responds they based it on Bush’s memos?”

    See? Idiots and they’re not even funny anymore.

    If the jihadis would institute the belly slap or the cold room I for one would jump for joy. I bet captured Marines would as well.
    Having your head sawed off while listening to Koranic verses is much worse. Just ask Nick Berg… oh wait, you can’t. He’s dead.

  6. And I’m all about sensory overload, followed closely by sensory deprivation. So the looped kicks to the head, neck and chest, followed by, or in conjunction with, Al Gore and Bwawney Fwank looped on CD should do it.

    –or–

    Lock them in a room with 50 inquisitive 2 yr olds. And only one kitten.

  7. “Better Interrogation Techniques”

    Make the terrorist give Barney Frank and Harry Reid sponge baths.

    Let Nancy Pelosi give them a lap dance.

    Make them listen to Al Gore tell them about GlowBull Warming, how he invented the internet, and about the time he fought ManBearPig.

  8. “Wee Weed” — Lock ’em up in a room with no toilet but plenty of water laced with diuretics.

    “Poo Pooed” — Ditto, except lots of X-Lax….

    “Poo Potpourri” — One terrorist, two Okies with plenty of baked beans…..

  9. “EXPO New Mexico” Make them watch every awful Tex-Mex band that performs here during the fair, but only during the times they play their renditions of ‘La Bamba’ with ‘Shake It Up Baby Now’ thrown in the middle.

    Every. Single. One. Does. It.

    I swear to you- the last time I stage managed at the fair, waterboarding & genital electrocution would’ve been a nice reprieve…

  10. “Punditting” – locking the suspect in a room with a television that can’t be turned off, with a remote that works but can only select from broadcasts of Keith Olbermann, The View, and Andrea Mitchell

    “English majoring” – locking the suspect in a room with a speaker that plays only readings of novels by Virginia Woolf, Henry James, James Joyce, Jane Austen, and William Faulkner; the readers are Hillary Clinton and Barney Frank

  11. “Shrew”…Locked them in a room for 9 hours with the staff of “The View”

    “…And not even given the common courtesy to receive a reach-around”…1 night locked up naked in a dark room with Barney Frank.

    “P. U.!!!!” Being tied up and locked in a really small room with Michael Moore.

    “Infidel Overload” Chain them to a street post for a day in the middle of San Francisco or Berkley.

    “72 Virgins” tell them they are going to get 72 virgins…and then open the door and let in 72 clones of Rosie O’Donnald.

    “Meet your supporters”…drop them off in a fenced hippie commune.

  12. Pingback: Steynian 377 « Free Canuckistan!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.