Time to Do Something Big

Remember how America used to do big cool things? Like defeat the Nazis, go to the moon, take on the Soviet Union. We don’t have big plans like that anymore. We just kinda exist, used to our suckitude, and happy if there are a few more additions to the iPhone each year. We’ve just had such a blah attitude lately; we’re just barely struggling to get by. It’s time to break out of this funk and dream big.

Someone has proposed that America work together and build a working, full-sized AT-AT walker. I like this direction of thought. I wonder if that’s even really possible with the square-cube law, but it seems worth investigating. I’ve also suggested before we build a working Death Star. I know it’s probably not that much use since we don’t have any other planets to blow up than our own, but I think people seeing it hovering ominously in the sky would instantly cause more respect for America.

Of course, IMAO has proposed a number of big ideas through the years: giant robots, space lasers, dinosaurs with rocket launchers, nuking the moon. The important thing is that it’s something really difficult that doesn’t look like we could do it, we work hard and make it happen, and then we unleash it on the rest of the world to make them pay for all slights against us real and imagined.

Obviously, the current president isn’t going to inspire us to do things like this. All he has our sissy wiener ideas like windmills and high speed rail. The guy is just a useless idiot who is doing the opposite of inspiring us — I guess outspiring us. He wants us to dream small and let the government grow and take care of us. So Republicans have to fill this void of leadership. I know — Republicans suck too, how are they going to cheer up America? Well, someone has to step up and do it. Paul Ryan has this big budget plan to end the deficit, which is all fine and good, but he needs to add something else to it. America can’t exist just to pay down its debt; we need to aim for something big while doing this. Think of the affect on America if Paul Ryan stood up and said, “Not only can be pay down the deficit, but we can build a working AT-AT walker that will transport dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them to destroy our enemies.” America would be invigorated; we’d say to ourselves, “We can be awesome again. And everyone will rue the day they crossed us when they see the giant lumbering metal beast head their way bringing them death by explosions and sharp teeth.”

That’s what we have to do. Obama has his silly slogans, but we all know America’s real slogan is “Be Awesome”. It’s time to remember we can do things no other country can — things no other country would even contemplate doing. Insane things. Things that will make everyone respect and fear us again. It’s time someone stand up for that America — the awesome America — the Chuck Norris of countries America — and make us remember who we are. This dark period is temporary; our future still has robots and awesome explosion in it if we decide to make it so.

15 Comments

  1. Here’s a big idea. We create a Black Hole that we keep in a big submarine. No nation knows where it is at any one time so they can’t do anything about it, but if they take a hankerin’ to messing with us, the submarine surfaces just off-shore from their country and we open the cover of the black-hole. We build it out of black-hole proof material like Tupperware and when we lift the cover off, it sucks in the entire country that we don’t like! Then we put the cover back on, and then we have to lift one corner and let the air out and then seal it shut and the country is gone forever. That would be awesome!

  2. When did we lose the knowledge to create giant robots? It seemed back in the Victorian Era scientists could build giant manned robot behemoths out of Boiler-Plate Steel, power them with Steam Engines, and Steam Hydrolics. The arms and spider-like legs were all clockwork & gears and controlled by a man in the brain cockpit. There has to be some of those steam powered blueprints lying around…

  3. No to anything built by something called “The Empire”

    But America does need something big. I have a few suggestions:

    * Gold standard. Punch Nixon’s corpse in the balls for what his owner did.
    * Rebuild all four Iowa class battleships. I will harp on this ’till it happens.
    * Bring back the gold standard.
    * Using historical documents, create nine androids with the personalities of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, George Mason, John Jay, James Madison, William Penn, and for good measure, George S. Patton. These androids will replace the Supreme Court and also act as a Council of Elders. The Injuns had that sort of thing right.

  4. We should go whole hog with the Death Star idea, Frank. Surely we could install some sort of modulation, like a rheostat, to tone down the main weapon as needed to vaporize just another country instead of a whole planet. No one would miss Iran or DPRK.

  5. God, whatcha doin’? Something Big.
    Noah, whatcha doin’? Something Big.
    People of Babel, whatcha doin’? Something Big.
    Pharaoh, whatcha doin’? Something Big.
    Ming Dynasty, whatcha doin’? Something Big.

    O-bah-muhh, whatcha doin’? Selling Chevy Volts.

  6. USSJC, I think I see a flaw in your suck in countries we don’t like with a black hole theory. What if rosie “the giant hog” odonnell were visiting when we attack. She gets stuck and you can’t get the lid back on. Just ruined perfectly usable Tupperware.

  7. “I’ve also suggested before we build a working Death Star. I know it’s probably not that much use since we don’t have any other planets to blow up than our own,”

    I dunno Frank, Neptune has been pretty uppity lately. Then there’s that Uranus thing. Sounds like perfectly good uses for a Death Star to me.

  8. I’m a Yankee and therefore I’m very practical. I practically think every day. So here are two very practically intelligent thoughts on the matter.
    1. Why design it at one size and then scale it up and increase the mass by cubed proportions? Just build it once and make it huge the first time. Problem 1: solved.
    2. I want to make Amerika great like it use to be, you know, when it was America. But how can we Americkans claim it to be ours with the “Made in China” stamp on it?

    Geez, never mind all those Union dues and fees. Makes a Yankee wish the South had one – then we would have Civil dues and fees. The CSA currency wasn’t worth a dime so it would be easy to pay. Just thinking outside the square-cube box.

  9. plentyobailouts – Rosie, c’mon even black holes have limits! There are immutable laws of Physics! The black hole would puke Rosie out faster than the speed of light! Probably like WARP 10!

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