Previously on Battle of the Sexes: The Nuking Politics Straight Line Challenge…
_______________
As you know, Anonymiss recently took over the Straight Line judging duties at Nuking Politics from Keln.
Now that Anonymiss is all settled in, she’s feeling a little feisty. After watching the “Spock vs. Spock Challenge” video, she announced:
I think the original straight line judge and the current straight line judge need to have a battle of wits.
Being the helpful type, I made the following offer:
I write a straight line.
Anonymiss & Keln each submit their best 10 answers.
I’ll post the lists at IMAO (without names) and ask the readers to vote for their favorite.
Winner gets gloating rights.
_______________
Here’s the straight line:
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
And here are the lists:
List #1:
1) …having the military paint a giant cross on the underside of every drone.
2) …performing the sign of the cross before bowing to other world leaders.
3) …appointing a Christian Navy chaplain instead of a marine to hold his umbrellas.
4) …declaring a new Crusade and invading Israel to “reclaim the holy land”.
5) …directing the military to reclassify the M67 grenade as “Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch Mk I”.
6) …putting the Christian fish symbol on his golf bag…but accidentally used the one with legs.
7) …declaring “Cinco de Cuatro” a holy day for Christians in America.
8) …sending the Queen of England a new iPod containing old spirituals, southern gospel, and Gregorian chant music.
9) …getting re-baptized in each of the 57 states.
10) …replacing his presidential portrait with a picture of Jesus.
List #2:
1) …living the tenets of his favorite scripture, John 16:3, everyday.
2) …minting his face on the Trillion Dollar Coin and changing his name to Caesar.
3) …committing the commandments to memory. “I’ve now memorized 57 commandments – I think one left to go.”
4) …upping the 7 Presidential pardons he was planning to 70 x 7.
5) …Loving our enemies, blessing those that curse us, doing good to those that hate us, praying for them which despitefully use us and persecute us, and bowing to them who want to kill us in our sleep.
6) …avenging the wrongful death of Jesus by ordering a drone strike on Israel.
7) …building an ark and filling it with two of every animal, without regard for race, religion, gender or sexual orientation.
8) …denouncing all Satanists, Atheists, Mormons, Tea Partiers, Ron Paul, Ayn Rand, Ross Perot, Thieves and Libertarians.
9) …ceasing to “kick against the pricks“. He didn’t learn that much from the AP phone taps anyway.
10) …asserting that his life was built on Biblical principles including: “this too shall pass”, “to thine own self be true”, and “never get involved in a land war in Asia”.
_______________
Please make your choice in the poll below.
NOTE: I will ask 3 things of you.
1) If you think you know whose list is whose, please don’t speculate about it in the comments.
2) If you think you know whose list is whose, please vote for the best list anyway.
3) Go ahead and leave your own punchlines in the comments, just like you would on any normal straight line (but do go easy on the blaspheming, as a courtesy to the Christian readers).
Voting ends tomorrow at noon. Winners announced tomorrow afternoon. May the best judge win.
Which list of punchlines did you like best?
- List #1 (54%, 83 Votes)
- List #2 (46%, 70 Votes)
Total Voters: 153
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YGDFT!YLTATSOTE is playing Santa, and checking his list twice.
*Flips Coin – [Tails] – Votes Appropriately* Bacon to walruskkkch!
http://tinyurl.com/YGDFTYLTATSOTE
Tough call — both lists were good. I went with #1.
As for the straight line, I’ll go for ten of my own, if I can:
10) … bringing a casserole to the post-show pot-luck.
9) … wandering in the desert for forty years… or at least in a bunker for about 4 minutes.
8) … referred to himself, Reid, and Pelosi as “father”, “son”, and “holy **** what did she do to her face!”, respectively.
7) … saying, “Jesus was the guy who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor, right?”
6) … tithing 10% of his income to the SEIU
5) … turning the other cheek… towards Reggie Love.
4) … blessing himself with the sign of the tee.
3) … praying, nay pleading, for his jump shot to improve.
2) … turning waterboarding into whine.
1) … bowing to Nazareth 5 times a day.
@3, #3 – mind you, that would be asking for a miracle…
Isaiah 30:7 – For the Egyptians shall help in vain, and to no purpose: therefore have I cried concerning this, Their strength is to sit still.
Is it OK to list the twenty in the order as I rank them. Or should I wait until after the contest to do that?
…starting immediately crucifixions will be held on a regular schedule on the White House lawn until scandals, (and especially the reporting of scandals) have ceased.
…proving that the Bible foretold everything, include PMS in women, “…For in those days when King Herod sought to kill the baby Jesus, Joseph took Mary and the baby Jesus and fled to the land of the Pharaohs… It says right in the bible that Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”
Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…doing nothing.
…blaming the Pope for being a H8ter.
…spelling his favorite dish backwards.
…ordering an Auto-da-fe.
…showing everyone his “Real” *wink*wink* birth certificate.
Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…having his taxes audited like all other antil-liberal groups.
it’s ok if i vote multiple times even though i’m not a democrat living in chicago, right?
…realizing that “turning the other cheek” means turning both cheeks at once to avoid flatulence.
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…showing everyone his “Christian Mingle” dating card.
…announcing that “you do not eat the beads” on the Holy Rosary.
Having B-52’s drop millions of DVD’s and Blu-Ray discs of the “Life of Brian” over Jerusalem.
…carrying a bottle of Holy Water while biking to sprinkle on his Christian fans – also good for a quick swig to stay in good with Jesus.
“Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem” (THWACK!!!)
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…saying, Now, when I talked to God I knew He’d understand
He said, “Stick by my side and I’ll be your guiding hand
Don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to”
…often uttering the phrase, “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa” with a confused look on this face.
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…eatin’ hisself some juicy BACON!
This is SO EXCITING!
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…not taking his own name in vain.
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…saying, “The Devil made me do it!”
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…speaking the truth, that he was, in fact, a Muslim.
…began putting something in the donation basket as it came around: IOU’s.
…crucifying the first five Tea Partiers he saw in each town he visited.
…parting the water hazard on the 8th.
…washing the feet of all of Occupy Wall Street.
@21 – you don’t get out much, do you?
@27 – she’s too busy baking cookies for us.
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…claiming to have healed the blind, lame, and infirm by giving them Obamacare.
…wandered by a dessert cart for 40 seconds
…releasing to the press corps pictures of him walking across the White House swimming pool
@27 and @28 you’re both absolutely right. 🙂
…wandered the desert for 40 days and nights, then realized he was only in a sand bunker.
…asking, “Do men wear hats in church?” and when told, “No, only women,” said, “That’s sexist!”
…demonstrated his Biblical knowledge by stating that the Fourth Commandment was added to the list by the SEIU.
…denying accountability for everything three times.
@28, 30 – For the record, I was teeing up Anonymiss to come back with the cookies line, but you beat her to it!
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…claiming his re-election was proof of his resurrection.
…stating he “did Jesus one better by feeding more than 5,000 with Food Stamps”.
…relating how he deals with a dumb demoniac daily when he meets with Biden.
…receiving the highest score in the 2013 World Genuflecting Championships. Competitors complained that his bowing experience was the equivalent of being on steroids and should disqualify him.
Did you see the Bacon Chocolate Chip ones I made with the Maple Bacon Glaze? Mmmmmm. http://www.nukingpolitics.com/2013/05/nuke-punchline-from-now-on-only-select.html
I made too many. Have a whole container left.
@27 I’ll have you know, however, that I did just GET OUT and teach my Zumba class this morning. So occasionally I actually stop baking cookies and leave the house and stuff.
offered to sacrifice Joe Biden as he doesn’t have a son.
@40 Too Jewish.
…defenestrating Michelle from a second story window.
@41 B’seder.
…started wearing a fedora, and dark sunglasses, and told everyone he was on a mission from god.
…announcing the renaming of the IRS to the Inquisition, and that all audits will now be in Spanish.
…burning Christine O’Donnell at the stake after comparing her weight to a duck.
…started to drive all the snakes out of the Capitol, but relented when the building emptied.
…announcing he has decided to be a follower of the Gourd not the Sandal.
…attempted to behead himself.
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
Declaring it a Catholic prayer rug
While facing mecca, said a hail Mary on the upstroke
Praised Jesus for not letting him slice on 14
…formed a band called, “Opus Dei and the Knights,” to sing >“Shout”
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…
…feeding himself to the Lions.
…eating a St. Bernard.
@46: ~
@49: …and I’m too old testament? 😉
…checking “Other” and filling-in his answer to a church survey:
Would you describe your religion as:
□ Catholic
□ Protestant
■ Other: ___I was born in Kenya___
So do I get to judge this straight line? Hmmm. And how do I determine which of the guys voted for me??? 😛
…claimed the phrase he always uses when he’s happy is ‘Admiral Ackbar!’ -because he’s such a big Star Trek fan.
We’re not supposed to drop any hints, Miss Anony. 🙄
@56 Too bad. I’ve always thought hints were sorta awesome. =)
…letting his wife loaf and eat all the fish.
…giving God credit for raising Biden from the dud.
…praising Jesus that his deafness was cured right after he left Rev. Wrights church.
…arming the Muslims all over the Mid East because the Christians they kill are those weird Coptics and the Jews ain’t Christians and soon there will be peace on earth. Allahu…errr Amen.
…relating the story of how he learned of his dyslexia when he read in his book that it was DOG that he ate and was once again able to worship the God he long thought was dead.
Ok I proclaim list #2 to more biblie thus much more funny. Thus sayth Ed
@52 Yes you are. I’m all New Testament, praise the Lord and pass the BACON!
@60
Oy, vey ist dir! Zy nikt meschugge mit dis mishegass!
@59: Such much?
I just realized that I haven’t actually voted yet.
Extra bacon for number 3 -can of spam ~~~ Both of the contestants did good but I always prefer a good number 2. List that is.
List 2 #8 confuses me: aren’t those all the same thing? It seems a bit redundant.
@65 AR: You’re referring to:
8) …denouncing all Satanists, Atheists, Mormons, Tea Partiers, Ron Paul, Ayn Rand, Ross Perot, Thieves and Libertarians.
Carpenter ants?
@59 – Biblical, probably leading to more obscure references, which I have a propensity to try to achieve myself. I went with list 2, but I also ordered all 20 top to bottom, by my preferences.
@61 Hast du gesehen in deinen leben?
….walked on water with his teleprompter, immediately went off script and asked, “how far do these rocks go anyway?”
@67 Where is your list of 20 in preferential order?
Granted that everyone would have a different order preference, here is my stab at most to less humorous for the 20 captions.
For 2-10, asserting a proverb, Shakepeare quote, and Princess Bride references a biblical was particular good, as was 1-1 the giant crosses on the drones. I thought 2-1 particularly clever as “Christianity in a single verse” can best be defined by John 3:16, and John 16:3 makes it sound like Obama is just complaining that people don’t understand him. Also the John 16:3 mix up has been attributed to Al Gore and George W. Bush at different times in the past. I do have a disposition to more obscure references which led me to choose list two overall.
2-10) …asserting that his life was built on Biblical principles including: “this too shall pass”, “to thine own self be true”, and “never get involved in a land war in Asia”.
1-1) …having the military paint a giant cross on the underside of every drone.
2-1) …living the tenets of his favorite scripture, John 16:3, everyday.
2-9) …ceasing to “kick against the pricks“. He didn’t learn that much from the AP phone taps anyway.
1-3) …appointing a Christian Navy chaplain instead of a marine to hold his umbrellas.
2-3) …committing the commandments to memory. “I’ve now memorized 57 commandments – I think one left to go.”
2-6) …avenging the wrongful death of Jesus by ordering a drone strike on Israel.
1-8) …sending the Queen of England a new iPod containing old spirituals, southern gospel, and Gregorian chant music.
2-5) Loving our enemies, blessing those that curse us, doing good to those that hate us, praying for them which despitefully use us and persecute us, and bowing to them who want to kill us in our sleep.
1-5) …directing the military to reclassify the M67 grenade as “Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch Mk I”.
1-2) …performing the sign of the cross before bowing to other world leaders.
1-4) …declaring a new Crusade and invading Israel to “reclaim the holy land”.
1-6) …putting the Christian fish symbol on his golf bag…but accidentally used the one with legs.
2-2) …minting his face on the Trillion Dollar Coin and changing his name to Caesar.
1-9) …getting re-baptized in each of the 57 states.
2-4) …upping the 7 Presidential pardons he was planning to 70 x 7.
1-10) …replacing his presidential portrait with a picture of Jesus.
2-7) …building an ark and filling it with two of every animal, without regard for race, religion, gender or sexual orientation.
1-7) …declaring “Cinco de Cuatro” a holy day for Christians in America.
2-8) …denouncing all Satanists, Atheists, Mormons, Tea Partiers, Ron Paul, Ayn Rand, Ross Perot, Thieves and Libertarians. (sounds like the Group W bench)
Judging the relative “funny-ness” of lines can be a daunting task. It also takes a fair amount of time… (at least it does for me 😛 ) Thanks for sharing, Rodney 🙂
You’re welcome. I’ve been doing it twice a week at OTB for over eight years now. (Probably without getting any better at it, and hopefully not getting any worse). The process is the same. I copy the captions into a blank notepad sheet, relative placement by order, then adjust as needed. Its a little easier in a caption contest as the less funny ones just drop off the bottom. The close ones can make it tough.
@72 Don’t judge them, weigh them. Be scientific about it!
@74 oh you don’t think I”m scientific about it, huh?
You should see my graphs. 🙂
@74 – I prefer to use the Hogheads/Fortnight units.
Only nerds analyze humor.
I am most definitely a nerd-ette. 🙂
Personally I liked Can of Spam’s list. Good thing he isn’t in the contest.
by initiating the ‘Mene Mene Tekel Drone Strike’ policy.
@79 – You have a good point.
…by showing the sharpie pen stigmata on his palms.
…stalled on addressing any questions concerning his administration scandals for 40 days and 40 nights.
@79 Stop, I’m blushing (read: actually, no! Keep up the compliments!) Still, I have to admit that there’s about 3 “filler” ones in there that I threw in just to make 10. Probably could have done better with more time.
So, now we’ll all sing ABBA’s “The Winner Takes It All.”
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“The Winner Takes It All” (YouTube)
By the way, I wish to register a complaint. For something billed as “battle of the sexes”, I saw a remarkably distinct LACK of sex, you G damned ^^^#@ing thieves! You Libertarians truly are the scum of the earth.
There was exactly the right amount of sex for a battle of the sexes, silly can of spam. There was one man and one woman. 🙂
…by raining hellfire, pestilence and an IRS audit on the winner of this contest.
…starting the Church of Holy Homophone so he could prey on his flock.
..said “If I had a son, he’d look like Jesus.”
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