“…because I am a black man, and blackness is personified in me…did I happen to mention that I’ m an African-American Black man? As a Black, [shifts to street-hustler tone] mah brothas an’ sistaz…in tha imm-or-tall words of The P-Funk…stay up for tha downstroke…an whenevah y’all’s in a jam, be sure to quote that down pimp Urkel, ‘did I do thaaaat??’ Cuz ya know it works for me!”
…you can use your EBT card at most fast food restaurants
…Surrender equals peace, debt equals financial freedom, and death is just a part of life.
…sneak into this country, get into a good school using minority preference programs, do nothing but make sure your records are sealed, and then apply for jobs you’re not qualified for before they can point to your record of failures. It’s really easy…even a choom smoking Kenyan communist can do it!
…”I hate people who put half-n-half in black coffee, turning the black coffee to a light brown color. My father did that and my mother said, “See, look what happened!”
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Especially to your friends.
Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts. Once you’ve got those covered, you’ll be fighting love off with a stick.
Shoot for the Moon – Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that’s what you get for being a damn showoff.
Looking sharp is easy when you haven’t done any work.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up. Can you say, “You want fries widdat?”
The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we’re now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we’re working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
You’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and statistically about 99% of the ones you do.
. . . was that “you can fool some of the people all of the time, and that’s enough to get elected President.”
. . . was “You’re too young to remember ‘Hogan’s Heroes’, but there was this character named Sergeant Schultz, whose trademark remark was ‘I know nuttink.'”
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
If I may expand upon Erma Bombeck. “Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed… as you too will be.”
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
You shouldn’t be late for a commencement speech because you double bogeyed 17, you should however be aware that I am a black man and that the scuff on your shoe was not caused by my running it on the polishing wheel to hard. It was Bush’s fault!
When you’re in a hole….
1. Unionize
2. You have a shovel ready project, ask for government funding.
3. Keep digging. Make sure the hole is too big to fail.
4. Hope for bad weather to take the attention away from scandals.
…in the unlikely event you get a good job one day, hire a few white guys to blame $h!t on when your shenanigans go sideways.
…it may be a good idea to find an attractive wife. it’s very time-consuming to convince people she is when she really isn’t.
…if you ever get asked to talk at an all black college, tell them it conflicts with your invitation to speak at an all white college so they’ll offer you more money. this will work as long as they don’t know there aren’t any all white colleges.
…when “making it rain”, be sure to do it with other people’s money.
Don’t join the Military, it will only further the culture of violence. Plus it’s degrading, did you see that Marine holding an umbrella for that dufus?
Don’t listen to those people who say the government is tyrannical. And did I mention all our problems are because of those Republican tyrants in Congress not letting me have my way?
YGDFT!YLTATSOTE!
Obama Hates Libertarians Bacon to rodney dill!
http://tinyurl.com/YGDFTYLTATSOTE
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice,
pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
Rotate your tires.
When you are in a hole, quit digging.
Is Rodney Dill, or Obama, channeling Sidney Freedman?
…: “Always listen to your trusted staff when they don’t tell you things.”
“…because I am a black man, and blackness is personified in me…did I happen to mention that I’ m an African-American Black man? As a Black, [shifts to street-hustler tone] mah brothas an’ sistaz…in tha imm-or-tall words of The P-Funk…stay up for tha downstroke…an whenevah y’all’s in a jam, be sure to quote that down pimp Urkel, ‘did I do thaaaat??’ Cuz ya know it works for me!”
…properly inflated tires can solve anything
…you can use your EBT card at most fast food restaurants
…Surrender equals peace, debt equals financial freedom, and death is just a part of life.
…sneak into this country, get into a good school using minority preference programs, do nothing but make sure your records are sealed, and then apply for jobs you’re not qualified for before they can point to your record of failures. It’s really easy…even a choom smoking Kenyan communist can do it!
…remember two little words: “Plausible Deniability.”
…I had no idea I was speaking here today….see what I did there?
…”I hate people who put half-n-half in black coffee, turning the black coffee to a light brown color. My father did that and my mother said, “See, look what happened!”
Remember, sear on high heat; then move the dog to a medium oven to cook it the rest of the way.
…just rotate through blaming Bush, Rush Limbaugh, and the sequester.
…I got nothin’ here…Obama didn’t either.
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Especially to your friends.
Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars and luxury yachts. Once you’ve got those covered, you’ll be fighting love off with a stick.
Shoot for the Moon – Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that’s what you get for being a damn showoff.
Looking sharp is easy when you haven’t done any work.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up. Can you say, “You want fries widdat?”
The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we’re now hiring robot repair technicians. The worse news is we’re working on robot-fixing robots- and we do not anticipate any further good news.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
You’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and statistically about 99% of the ones you do.
… just keep voting present. Then let the white liberal guilt do the rest.
Before accepting any employment offer, make sure that it won’t interfere with your qualifications for EBT.
The best advice Obama gave during his Morehouse College commencement speech…
…7 years of college may be down the drain, but there is always grad school. Then government service.
…always keep immaculate tax records, especially if you want to be a thieving Libertarian.
…a penny saved is a penny later to be confiscated by the government.
…the time to party is over the time for Party begins comrades.
…All I can say about Washington DC is that I came, I saw, I forgot.
…When you go forth in to world remember one thing, when the going gets tough always having underlings to take the blame.
was, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”
The best advice Obama gave during his Morehouse College commencement speech…
…The best things in life may be free, but what isn’t the government can surely provide.
…never do as I do, only do as I say. Or else.
…charity begins at home, and remember who is paying your mortgage for you now.
…remember, thanks to my tireless work and dedication, you can still sponge off your parents without regret until you are 26. So party on.
. . . was that “you can fool some of the people all of the time, and that’s enough to get elected President.”
. . . was “You’re too young to remember ‘Hogan’s Heroes’, but there was this character named Sergeant Schultz, whose trademark remark was ‘I know nuttink.'”
“Let the wookie win.”
“I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant”
“A Positive attitude won’t solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
“Don’t fix the mistake, fix the blame”
How lucky you all are – in this economy – having such a useful set of skills. Everyone just love cookies!
… drop out now and avoid the rush.
… don’t let them tell you a Liberal Arts degree is useless, most Civil Servants and unemployed have them.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
…Let a smile be your umbrella, and be sure to have a Marine there to hold it for you, especially in a “gun-Free” zone.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
…leave out the Canolis, take their guns.
…Laws are for the little people, don’t be a little person.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
If I may expand upon Erma Bombeck. “Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed… as you too will be.”
…don’t forget to tip your waitress
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
You shouldn’t be late for a commencement speech because you double bogeyed 17, you should however be aware that I am a black man and that the scuff on your shoe was not caused by my running it on the polishing wheel to hard. It was Bush’s fault!
Fat, drunk, and stupid… is no way to go through life… unless you’re a Kennedy.
“You can fool some of the people some of the time, and jerk the rest off.”
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech was when he said “More-House?!?! I want More Cowbell!!!
…wear sunscreen
…only white folks can be racists. I’ll meet y’all at the Cracker Barrel after the show.
When you’re in a hole….
1. Unionize
2. You have a shovel ready project, ask for government funding.
3. Keep digging. Make sure the hole is too big to fail.
4. Hope for bad weather to take the attention away from scandals.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
…twenty years of schoolin’ and they’ll put you on the day shift.
…if you want to play the best golf courses in America, and you are black, either be Tiger Woods or get yourself elected President.
…if you enter government service remember just one thing. The only amendment that truly matters for you is the 5th.
…if you can’t blame someone else, keep your mouth shut.
…generally best to marry within your species
…good leadership consists of “divide and ridicule”
…if you can’t blame republicans, blame them white folk.
…no one puts ketchup on a hot dog.
…twenty years of schoolin’ and they’ll put you on the day shift.
…like my buddy Joe says, plagiarism is the way to get ahead today.
Invest in a good teleprompter.
…in the unlikely event you get a good job one day, hire a few white guys to blame $h!t on when your shenanigans go sideways.
…it may be a good idea to find an attractive wife. it’s very time-consuming to convince people she is when she really isn’t.
…if you ever get asked to talk at an all black college, tell them it conflicts with your invitation to speak at an all white college so they’ll offer you more money. this will work as long as they don’t know there aren’t any all white colleges.
…when “making it rain”, be sure to do it with other people’s money.
One word: Bitcoin.
It’s good to be the King.
Applications for Food Stamps and other government subsidized programs are available in the lobby.
…face it, it’s either Pigford or lunch at Denny’s.
…was to the administration when he convinced them to cancel Clint Eastwood’s speech to his years most promising empty chairs.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
…always say “Hi Mom” when a camera is pointed at you.
…was to not let the boys in.
…only trust the government, your fellow human beings, not so much.
The Best Advice Obama Gave During His Morehouse College Commencement Speech…
…if what you are about to do is prefaced by “Here, hold my beer”, take time to reconsider.
Don’t join the Military, it will only further the culture of violence. Plus it’s degrading, did you see that Marine holding an umbrella for that dufus?
…you should never attend a college that sounds like it was named after Bart Simpson’s best friend.
…the secret to happiness while I’m president is to keep your mouth shut and checkbook open.
… was taken directly from Rodney Dangerfield’s dialogue in the final scene of “Back to School”.
Don’t listen to those people who say the government is tyrannical. And did I mention all our problems are because of those Republican tyrants in Congress not letting me have my way?
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