[High Praise! to Oppo]

Sufferin’ USA (to the tune of “Surfin’ USA” by The Beach Boys)

If everybody had odd notions
Across the U.S.A.
Then everybody’d be sufferin’
Like California
You’d seem ’em banning their Baggies
Sriracha, candles too
Bushes, bullets, blonde hairdos
Sufferin’ U.S.A.

You’d have ’em sufferin’ at WalMart
In the check-out line
Santa Claus would be verboten
As well as Valentines
All over Manhattan
— What did I just say?

They’re already sufferin’
Sufferin’ U.S.A.

We’ll all be planning lawsuits
We’ll all be plaintiffs soon
Our movement’s waxing and whining
We’ll tax texting in June
We’ll all be goin’ for the jugular
And what’s unsafe we will say
Bug or feature, we’re sufferin’
Sufferin’ U.S.A.

Häagen-Dazs and Huggies,
Pacifiers, Air!
Sombreros and Snuggies
Except the ones we wear
All of your household trash
Even succotash

Everybody’ll be sufferin’
Sufferin’ U.S.A.