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December 05, 2002
Frank Advice on Inspections
I've been making fun of Hans Blix and his inspection, but that's not very constructive of me. I've decided to be a nice guy and offer some helpful advice to Blix on how to make those inspections more effective. *Change your name. It's hard to get respect if your name makes it sound like you're a cartoon space monkey. It would be much better if you had some scary sounding German name. *Anytime you meet a new Iraqi, offer to shake hands. Then as he reaches out, quickly inject him with sodium pentothal. That will get the truth out. *Carry around a rubber hose. If you think someone is hiding something, take him into the back room and beat him with the hose. That will also get the truth out… or any particular truth you want. *Remember to inspect all those bushy Iraqi mustaches. Those soup strainers are probably crawling with traces of chemical and biological weapons. *Carry a dime bag of anthrax on you. Then, when you pat down someone who says he doesn't have any WMD's, you can make it look like you pulled that out of his pocket. He'll probably think it was his and he had just forgotten about it. Then he might break down and confess to everything. *If, as you are about to open a door, strippers suddenly appear out of nowhere or you're attacked by ninjas or someone yells, "Hey! Look at me! I'm juggling!" that probably means you're near the WMD's and the Iraqis are trying to stall you while they get rid of them. Don't fall for it. *Since we're going to go to war with Iraq no matter what, just say you found WMD's to make things easier for us. We'll appreciate it. Hell, if you come out and say, "Iraq is full of weapons of mass destruction! Kill them! Kill them now!" we'll all love you and chant in the streets, "Blix! Blix! Blix!" or, if you took my earlier advice, "von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz!" I'm here to help. 14 Responses To "Frank Advice on Inspections"
He could also start wearing a monocle. Those are very intimidating -- or at least they distract people by making them wonder how he keeps it from falling out of his eye socket. While they are trying to figure it out, he can find their WMDs. #1 - Posted by: Andrea Harris on December 5, 2002 02:23 PMBeing of proud Teutonic descent, I can assure you that the trick of keeping a monocle in place isn't much of a trick at all, it just looks hard. Be careful to have the damned thing fitted correctly, though. #2 - Posted by: Emperor Misha I on December 6, 2002 11:58 AMDoes Herr Blix / von Kökeritz have to find the WMD's in Iraq? We could always let him 'find' some of ours, then he could say he has 'found weapons of mass destruction' and we could start bombing. This would save us the expense of shipping all of the UNers to Iraq, the hotel bills (don't you know there isn't a pristine mini-bar in any of the rooms), and the admission fees to Saddam's palaces. The UNers should be happy because American hotels are a lot nicer than any Iraqi louse-pit and they can go to DisneyWorld or something. #3 - Posted by: aelfheld on December 6, 2002 06:05 PMI always wondered how a monocle stayed in, too. I just assumed it stayed in through some secret pact with Satan, but I never met a monocled man to ask. aelfheld, Why doesn't Blix just say Hi to Matt Lauer for me. #5 - Posted by: Chinese Guy on December 6, 2002 10:59 PMPlease Don't make fun on the name 'Hans'. Thats a swell name. OK?! I heart Bush. #6 - Posted by: HANS on December 6, 2002 11:01 PMHans is a cool name. Dont hate the German tough name.Bush owns. #7 - Posted by: Chinese Guy on December 6, 2002 11:02 PMI'm Gay. Al Gore Is Awesome! #8 - Posted by: Gay Guy on December 6, 2002 11:04 PMWhy doesnt Bush wait for Saddam to admit hes got weapons? We know he does, so just wait George. #9 - Posted by: Minkus on December 6, 2002 11:06 PMHans Blix could always do a bumbling Inspector Clouseau.. "I am looking for your boombs" or a Columbo... "Ahhh, Saddam, there's just one more thing I need to clear up..." Or a Harry Callahan... "Saddam, the Daisy Cutter is the most power conventional weapon known to man. Now, you're probably thinking, did they drop all of them in Afganistan or do they have a few left? Frankly, in all the excitement I don't remember. So, you have to ask yourself, do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk?" #10 - Posted by: Mike S on December 7, 2002 03:15 PMMein Gott meine kleine SchieBen... Monocles rule. Even though...You only see out of the one eye and such. Either way. HEIL VON KOKERITZ! #11 - Posted by: CornDawg on September 3, 2004 05:46 AMSome things cannot be taught, only discovered. Great website and interesting blog. Baccarat online , What is possible would never have been achieved if, in this world, people had not repeatedly reached for the impossible. #14 - Posted by: fleshlight on December 8, 2004 05:07 AMPost a comment
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