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January 15, 2003
In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (18)

The White House softened its tone on North Korea by hinting that a sweeter energy and food deal may be had in exchange for disarmament, but Pyongyang hasn't let up on its militaristic tone toward Washington, threatening the U.S. with undefined "options."

"Unless that option is to starve to death while we watch and laugh, I'm not sure what they're talking about," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said at a press conference. "Frankly, I'm getting tired of these retarded Commies. I keep trying to concentrate on the demise of the Iraqis, and then North Korea interrupts my train of thought by screaming, 'Kill us! Kill us horribly!'"

Surprisingly, Rumsfeld agreed with the idea of opening up talks with North Korea. "I think itís a great idea. We should have talks immediately and see if we can get Kim Jong Il himself to attend. Then, as soon as we meet, I can strangle that freak myself while Condoleeza takes care of any guards." Rumsfeld savored the thought for a moment. "As soon as I saw that reject with his puffed-up hair, I always said there was nothing I wanted more than to squeeze his neck until he is dead. Remember when I told you that?"

Most of the press in attendance nodded.

"Well, if Kim Jong Il finds out about my new plans, I'll know who ratted me out," Rumsfeld told the reporters threateningly.

When asked of whether murdering the leader of the North Koreans was the best course of action, Rumsfeld responded indignantly, "Are you questioning me?"

The reporter shook his head and shrinked away from the podium.

"What do you say to reports that you are mentally unstable?" asked a reporter that was new to these press conferences.

"I'm sorry," Rumsfeld said, "I'm getting hard of hearing in my old age. Did you say something about wanting to be stabbed repeatedly in the neck with a ball point pen?"

Rumsfeld looked ready for violence, but then calmed down. "My doctor says killing reporters is bad for my heart. He also had the gall to tell me to stop eating my steaks raw and instead cook them to at least medium rare like I'm some sort of fruit. I thought about giving him a good throttling, but I don't know if my health insurance covers that. Anyway, one more question."

The revered Helen Thomas then stood up and asked, "Where am I? Has someone seen my pills?"

Rumsfeld then frantically searched under his jacket where he usually kept his luger, but eventually gave up and announced, "This press conference is over." He then punched the reporter nearest and left.

A North Korean diplomat immediately responded to Rumsfeld's statements, saying, "The super might of our country will knock the flying fortress of our enemy beneath the sea using the magic winds of our flutes." He went on a while longer, but, by all accounts, the rest of his statement was just random words strung together in imitation of sentences. The same diplomat was later found strangled to death, seemingly another victim of the serial killer known as the "Rumsfeld Strangler." He apparently only kills foreign diplomats and gets his name from his calling card he leaves on each body: the statement "I'm Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy." on a piece of the Defense Secretary's official stationary that is signed by Donald Rumsfeld and stamped by a notary public. D.C. police are baffled.

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

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