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January 19, 2003
In My World: Stupid People No Like War
This weekend anti-war whack-jobs took to the streets in a last push to preserve murderous regimes. "War argh gurgle oil ergh BAD!" one of the more coherent protestors was heard to say. The Whitehouse seemed unperturbed by all the demonstrations. "I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to protest and to make their case known," said Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer at a press conference, never once looking up from the Gameboy Advance in his hands. "But what about the protestors who were beaten with their own ‘No Blood for Oil’ signs by men who claimed to have been paid by the Whitehouse?" asked one reporter. "I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to yadda yadda yadda," Fleischer responded, now staring at the Gameboy quite intensely, apparently fighting a boss monster in the game Metroid Fusion that he was playing. "You’re not even paying attention to us!" shouted another reporter. Fleischer then angrily chucked his Gameboy at the reporter, striking him in the head. "There, I paid you some attention." "Ow! That hurt!" cried the reporter. "Ow! That hurt!" Fleischer repeated in a high-pitch, mocking voice. "You’re the meanest press secretary ever!" the man yelled before running out of the press conference crying. "Anyone else want to waste my time with one of your idiotic questions?" Fleischer asked angrily. Helen Thomas then stood up. "Merciful God, please kill me now," Fleischer was heard muttering. "Why does Bush want to kill Iraqi children?" Helen Thomas asked, "What did Iraqi children ever do to him?" "Here, I have a question for you," Fleischer respond, "Why won’t you die, you shriveled, old hag? What sort of unholy agreement do you have with Satan to keep your body living long after your mind has expired?" "Where’s my cat?" Thomas demanded, "Your talk of war has scared away my cat!" "For the last time, Helen, your cat died thirty years ago!" said an exasperated Fleischer. "Someone please watch her. Any other questions?" "Do you ever find it intimidating working with such a brilliant strategist as President Bush?" asked President Bush, poorly disguised with a mustache. "What are you doing here?" "I’m trying to hide from Rumsfeld," whispered Bush, "I’m afraid that once he finds out we haven’t started war yet, he’s going to break my legs." "I did see him walking around earlier with his leg-breaking sledgehammer." "So, Ari, can we go ‘debate’ the protestors like you said we would." "Sure, did you bring your ‘argument’?" Bush held up a metal pipe. "Sure did… but I flooded the bathroom getting it." Fleischer pulled out a baseball bat from behind the podium. "Let’s roll." "But we still have more questions!" protested one reporter. He was then struck with a bat, surprising no one. 45 Responses To "In My World: Stupid People No Like War"
Personally, I would want to see Fleischer throw a GameBoy (suitably lined with lead) at Helen Thomas, but that's just a small quibble. Didn't he actually DO that a while ago? #2 - Posted by: Kim du Toit on January 19, 2003 05:18 PMHysterical. Absolutely hysterical. #3 - Posted by: Bob French on January 19, 2003 05:57 PMI assume Helen Thomas is referring to the current President's father when she says "Bush." But saying "Ike" would probably make her senile dementia even more obvious. Aside from that, bravo as usual. #4 - Posted by: David Jaroslav on January 19, 2003 06:42 PMGood as usuall, little bro. Remeber kids, War is not the answer. Victory is! #5 - Posted by: JpF on January 19, 2003 07:05 PMFrank, it is all your fault. I watched Rumsfeld on Fox today and I couldn't help but giggle. Everytime the reporter asked him a stupid question or rephrased a question he thought Rummy had avoided, I kept holding my breath. #6 - Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on January 19, 2003 07:51 PMThis is the funniest war blog ever. Really, really great stuff. Keep it up. Another gem, Frank. "There, I paid you some attention." Fantastic. #9 - Posted by: addison on January 19, 2003 10:21 PMYou have pushed the bar soo frigging high with this one, you'll never top it. It's gonna keep me chuckling for hours. M I haven't jumped the shark yet. I'll try and top this Wednesday with my next Rummy post, but the pressure is on. #12 - Posted by: Frank J. on January 20, 2003 10:24 PMWas it the new gameboy? #13 - Posted by: Mark on January 20, 2003 10:32 PMi prefer the Bush, poorly disguised with a mustache part looking through your best ever, i would say your one on October 08, 2002 was the best, but i wont copy it for you. #15 - Posted by: Dave The Australian on January 21, 2003 11:03 AMI assume you mean the "October Surprise" one where Schroeder escapes by jetpack. I kinda liked that one myself. #16 - Posted by: Frank J. on January 21, 2003 11:28 AMOf course, to be accurate, Bush should have said "strategerist." Otherwise excellent creative journalism. It reminds me of the SNL skit during Gulf I of the reporters asking stupid questions of the general. #17 - Posted by: dvgulliver on January 22, 2003 12:52 AMGet me some IP addresses...I'm a-goin' spammer-hunting... #19 - Posted by: Big Dog on January 2, 2004 01:41 PMMake sure you still have something worth wishing for. #20 - Posted by: Bird Cindy on February 28, 2004 11:08 AMWhy do not I see me posts??? #21 - Posted by: Mopet on March 5, 2004 01:04 PMArchitectural & Garden bbburrry #24 - Posted by: vor on March 13, 2004 09:13 AM
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I have to say that I think that to be a moot point with regards to the overall picture and point. #25 - Posted by: Michelle Phillipino on March 25, 2004 01:37 PM Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard, I cried! It had all my favorite elements: knuckle-draggers, crazy cat ladies, & Ari Fleischer. #26 - Posted by: La Femme Catholique on March 25, 2004 09:31 PMOh my gosh, I laughed so hard, I cried! It had all my favorite elements: knuckle-draggers, crazy cat ladies, & Ari Fleischer. #27 - Posted by: La Femme Catholique on March 25, 2004 09:32 PMThe best way is to research all of the new car prices up front. #30 - Posted by: Car Price Quotes on May 6, 2004 07:25 PMStart a home based day care system with our popular day care start up business kit! #32 - Posted by: day care on May 14, 2004 08:41 PMIf you are interesting in learning how to start your own home based day care so you can work at home, please check out our day care business starter kit! #33 - Posted by: Starting a day care on May 16, 2004 02:34 AMHave a nice break. Waiting for your next step. #38 - Posted by: Lickity Slit Lesbians on May 25, 2004 06:25 PMi am not making a comment on ur head, i am trying to find out how much my hed weighs could you tell me sum gud websites to find it out, i am truely grate ful for any help you may beablr to give, #39 - Posted by: Lickity Slit Lesbians on May 26, 2004 06:07 PM Guitar Tabs | OLYMPICS Official ATHENS 2004 OLYMPICS Commemorative Coin An official legal tender issue of the government of Greece, this is the first ever circulating Euro Olympic commemorative coin. #44 - Posted by: Olympic Games on September 6, 2004 06:22 PMDirect TV is sweeping the nation! With direct satellite tv offering hundreds of digital channels and a price cheaper than cable, why not select direct tv? Millions have made the switch to satellite TV. Why wait any longer to switch to direct satellite tv - it's FREE to get started. #45 - Posted by: Direct Satellite TV on November 3, 2004 05:43 PMPost a comment
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