I'm getting tired of hearing about Iraq and North Korea. All this time and energy is spent on them, but you know these conflicts will be nothing but footnotes in our history books. Yes, they're threatening, but all they really threaten to do is piss us off. When I was a kid, we had the Soviet Union which had thousands of nukes pointed directly at us, and we were like, "Big whoop." That's because we had something even scarier than nukes: Ronald Reagan. You just knew he was looking for any excuse to send all the Soviets to radioactive Commie hell, and that kept them on their toes. And what did the Soviets have? Some weirdo with a Rorschach test on his head.

But the North Koreans have even less now. They just have maybe two nukes that can't even reach us and a leader with poofed up hair. Still, I guess that' pretty scary for South Korea, but not scary enough to get them out of their peacenik, anti-American haze. They think they can handle this themselves with talking (just like they did in the 50's). Do they really believe they can convince those complete nut jobs to now, after so many years, finally act rationally? I can just imagine how these talks are going to go: South Korea is going to agree to more aid to North Korea, and then Kim Jong Il is going to agree to nuke South Korea and then argue with himself in front of a mirror while consuming an entire can of Crisco.

The only way you can talk to these people is to do it the way Tony Soprano "talks" to people. Someone like Kim Jong Il is only going to do what's right if you make him think he's going to get ripped apart otherwise. South Korea should find their best thugs to "meet and greet" 'ole Jongy-boy. For starters, they should drag him to the nearest restroom and hold his head in the toilet for like twenty seconds.

South Korean Thug: Now, Jongy, all this talk about nuclear weapons has sort of distressed us.

Kim Jong Il: You can't do this to me! I'm... gurgle gurgle gurgle

Thug: Hey, this is a discussion. That means when I talk, you listen, Capisce? And, to make things easier for you, when it's your turn to talk, we'll tell you what to say. If you understand, stare at us like some goofball.

Jong: Don't hurt me!

Thug: You ain't giving the orders here! What you are going to do now is go and disarm all your nukes, and then you're going to go comb your hair like a big boy. Otherwise, next time you see us, we're going to up our level of dialogue.

They should then rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and beat him with it, sort of as a punctuation to their "talks." Finally, they can shout, "Stay out of a Brooklyn!" before heading out the door (they might want to replace "Brooklyn" with some South Korean place; I'm too lazy to look any up). Do it right, and that will be the last problem they have with North Korea, because even the craziest dictators tend to hate being beaten with things.

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