Since the alert status has been raised, I’ve decided to help out by writing this terrorist FAQ to educate the masses.

TERRORIST FAQ

Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Pardon me, sir." If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Death to the infidels!" The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they're Arab.

Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.

Q. I don't think that's right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.

Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.

Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those "Fun Size" bags of chips. Then you can say, "I'm sorry I beat you up. Here's a bag of Fritos."

Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn't die, switch to the next higher caliber.

Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.

Q. Are you sure I shouldn't cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.

Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.

Q. I'm just going to try running away really fast.
A. That's what I'd do.

Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They're retarded.

Q. Aren't the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the...
A. No, they're just retards.

Q. But isn't...
A. Retards.

Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That's a ninja, not a terrorist.

Q. Well, he's still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that's beyond the scope of this FAQ.

Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it's not actually Tom Selleck.

Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache.

Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, "Robble Robble Robble." Should I kill him?
A. That's not a terrorist; that's the Hamburglar.

Q. Might one consider the way he steals children's hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes... if you're an idiot.

Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.

Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.

Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.

Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.

Q. Okay, I've killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the "Better Dead Than Red" FAQ.

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Know Thy Enemy
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