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February 12, 2003
In My World: Rumsfeld: I'd Rather be Killing Commies
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (22)

Osama bin Laden is said to have released a new tape calling evil terrorist retards to arms if the U.S. attacks Iraq. In his taped message, he instructed terrorists in battle strategies aimed at causing the highest number of American casualties. These involved telling them the best ways of splattering ones blood when shot so that Americans may later slip on it.

At a later press conference, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld seemed to be amused by the tape. "It's fun for them to pretend that Iraq could actually be a worthy opponent to the U.S., but, according to our analysts, the difference in length of an invasion between them using their best weaponry available and the best fighting strategies opposed to them just standing there letting us shoot them is about eight minutes."

Rumsfeld them took questions.

"Do you regret lumping Germany in with Cuba and Libya?"

"Would I have said it if I didn't mean it?" Rumsfeld asked, glowering at the man.

"Uh... no sir. Of course not," the reporter said, slinking away.

"Germany, Libya, and Cuba are all alike. They won't help us with Iraq, they are evil countries, and we are currently working on plans to assassinate their leadership."

"Actually," National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice interrupted, "We don't have plans for Libya."

Rumsfeld grumbled to himself as he snatched a nearby napkin and pulled out a pen. He then quickly jotted a few things down. "Tying timed explosives to monkeys is easy enough," he mused to himself, "but teaching them the subtleties of ninjitsu will take time." He then tucked the napkin into his breast pocket. "I'll file this later. Next question."

"What are your reaction to your German relatives who disowned you?"

"Of course, I can't have fools like that claiming my bloodline. I will hunt them down, kill them, and burn their bodies. I will then bury their ashes in a dank bog. Nothing too surprising. Anyway, I'm going to now let Dr. Rice tell you about some more of our new technology to help with our fighting.

Rice then stepped forward. "To help in a possible conflict with North Korea, we've created a new firearm safety feature to avoid friendly fire incidents." Rice held up a handgun with some sort of optical attachment under the barrel. "The firing pin is blocked until the gun detects that it is pointed at a Communist."

"How can it tell if someone is a Communist?"

"Could you do me a favor?" Rice asked the reporter as she pointed the gun at him, "Could you say 'dictatorship of the proletariat'?"

"Potato chip... of the polar... chariot?" the reporter said with confusion as Rice pulled the trigger to empty clicks.

"Wow," Rice exclaimed, "Too dumb to even be a Communist; didn't think that was possible."

"I would point out," said another reporter, "That just because someone has a Communist viewpoint, doesn't mean they should be shot."

Rice then pointed the gun at him and pulled the trigger. "It works!"

"One less Commie," Rumsfeld laugh. "Damn, I hope we finish this Iraq thing soon; I miss killing Commies. Remember when I strangled one in Nam?"

"Yeah, that was last year," Rice answered, "Caused a bit of media firestorm."

"Hey, if God didn't want us killing Commies, he wouldn't have given them necks fit for strangling."

"We still have questions," interrupted one reporter.

Rice pointed the gun at the reporter and pulled the trigger - an empty click. "Fine, what?"

"Diplomats for both the French and the Germans are in town right now. Do you and Rumsfeld plan on meeting with them?"

"Yes, we do," Rumsfeld said with a sinister laugh and then ended the press conference.

In unrelated news, the "Rumsfeld Strangler" (incident1 incident2) has struck again, killing French and German diplomats. This time, a videotape was left on the scene. On it, one can see Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling a diplomat while he says, "I'm Donald Rumsfeld. I'm strangling you." The end credits seem to indicate he had help in the act, as the cinematography is credited to "Condoleeza Rice". D.C. police are tired and confused. Cracking an easier case, they arrested a seventy year old woman who tried to defend herself with a handgun when an assailant broke into her apartment. That assailant, who has numerous assault and drug convictions, was immediately elected mayor.

Rating: 3.1/5 (37 votes cast)

In My World
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