While we wait (and wait and wait) for inevitable war with Iraq, North Korea is still trying to crazy their way to our attention. Now they are claiming they can beat us in a nuclear war.

"In the North Korea-U.S. nuclear standoff, which the world is watching with sweating hands, we were always ultra-hardline and that ultra-hardline response is the response of the mighty army-first policy. The victory in the nuclear conflict is ours and the red flag of the army-first policy will flutter ever more vigorously."

So I gather that this magical "army-first policy" is supposed to keep them from being vaporized. Don't they understand that they might actually be more threatening if they said something that wasn't quite as ludicrous?

"We will show those evil imperialist Americans by killing maybe two or three of their soldiers before they complete obliterate us!"

Now there is a threat I could buy. We don't want to loose two or three troops, so that might influence us to move cautiously. Instead of using threats like that, though, North Korea keeps coming off like a little ant that has walked up to a man and started screaming, "I will kill you and burn down your house and you are powerless against me!"

Still, maybe there is something to this "Hey, look at me! I'm crazy!" strategy that I just don't realize. The only problem is that North Korea is running out of ways to looks even crazier. So, to help out, here are some suggestions.

TOP TEN WAY NORTH KOREA COULD LOOK EVEN CRAZIER

10. Have Kim Jong Il upgrade his poofy hair to full afro.

9. Have announcements of threats to America followed with a song and dance number.

8. Claim we got it all wrong and that they're actually South Korea.

7. Put squirrels on trial for being America spies.

6. Tie a giant rubber band between two trees and claim they are now invulnerable to American missiles.

5. To determine their next leader, hold a contest to find who is most goofy looking; appoint Jimmy Carter as leader.

4. Announce threats to America in perfect Klingon.

3. In speech where Kim Jong Il gets angry at America, finish the speech by smearing his face with green paint and pretending he turned into the Hulk.

2. In show of strength, nuke selves.

And the number one way for North Korea to appear even crazier...

Ally with France and Germany.

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