IMAO: Yuri Foxworthy

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February 21, 2003

Yuri Foxworthy

Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (17)

I'm going to be real busy this next week, so there may be a shortage of free ice cream. I'll try to come up with a new Rumsfeld post on Wednesday, though, unless everyone is tired of those :)

Anyway, so as to thank my readers and not leave you empty handed, here is something I wrote a long time ago (I believe Freshman year in college, so either in '97 or '98). See if you can come up with any additions.

* * * *

Because of the end of the Cold War, much of the focus on Communism has ended, and thus many people are now ignorant of exactly what is. Some people may even be Communists and not even know it. So, for the benefit of all, I present this helpful list of the symptoms of Communism.

You might be a Communist if...

...when you were five you asked Santa for a pony, a teddy bear, and a dictatorship of the proletariat.

...a troop of Boy Scouts earned their merit badge for defending democracy by kicking your ass.

...you ever wonder aloud, "I bet we could pay more in taxes."

...you prefer small, fuel-efficent cars.

...you wish to end the embargo on Cuba for any other reason than that you like Cuban cigars.

...you're lazy and want to get paid for it.

...you prefer red grapes to green.

...every conversation your in moves to the subject of the dissolution of private property.

...your name is Richard Gephardt.

...you sympathized with the villains in 80's action films.

...as a child you admired the structure of the Smurf society.

...you're for the metric system.

...you think that religion is the opiate of the people, and, besides, you prefer marijuana.

...you don't mind being poor and miserable as long as everyone else is equally so.

...you read Animal Farm and admired the sheep's loyalty.

...the mention of the name "Reagan" causes you pangs of fear.

...you thinks warts are a distinguishing feature.

...you've been offended by much of this.

...every time you walk into a room, people shout, "Hey! There's that dirty Commie!"

...you're stupid and evil.

...every time you speak, you piss me off. (also a symptom of environmentalism, feminism, socialism, gun control advocacy, being a Democrat, and general stupidity)

Remember: the only good Commie is a dead Commie.

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17 Responses To "Yuri Foxworthy"

MORE RUMMY!

#1 - Posted by: Fred D. on February 21, 2003 01:05 PM

I just watched "Red Dawn" last week, and now I wanna watch it again.

Cool!

#2 - Posted by: geoff on February 21, 2003 02:06 PM

Another classic in a long line of classics.

#3 - Posted by: sharkman on February 21, 2003 02:14 PM

Yuri Foxworthy?

#4 - Posted by: tictoc on February 21, 2003 03:05 PM

...you think your whole family just may be KGB.

...you drive a Fiat.

...your favorite beach is on the Black Sea.

...vodka is your favourite meal.

...every piece of clothing you own is gray.

...when Siberia is your favorite territory in the game of Risk.

Bah.

(Rachel's been quiet - I have to do SOMETHING!)

#5 - Posted by: Easycure The Intern on February 21, 2003 03:34 PM

...every sentence ends with the phrase, "don't you agree, comrade?"

...along with your notes, you carry a third shoe to the podium for a debate.

...your wife, Olga, can bench press more than you can.

...you really can't understand why there is more than one brand of anything.

...IMAO press conference coverage doesn't make you laugh so hard you have to WTM (windex the monitor).

...you are constantly amazed at all the food they seem to have in the grocery store.

#6 - Posted by: geo on February 21, 2003 05:30 PM

I can't believe you wrote this as a freshman. I had no defined political bearings until after September 11th--when I really started defining my views and such.

#7 - Posted by: addison on February 21, 2003 07:36 PM

Communism is the opiate of the intellectual.

MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer

#8 - Posted by: MonkeyPants on February 21, 2003 09:38 PM

....despite over 100 million people killed during it's reign, you earnestly believe Communism just needed a little more time to work out the kinks.

....you consider Fidel Castro a liberator of the oppressed.

....Noam Chomsky is a little too right wing for your tastes.

...you believe a large intrusive government can pave the way to utopia.

#9 - Posted by: BillRay on February 21, 2003 11:19 PM

tictoc,
Jeff Foxworthy is the comedian who does all those "You might be a redneck if..." jokes.

#10 - Posted by: Frank J. on February 21, 2003 11:25 PM

sick of rummy? I...er..I am at a loss to how you could think that '"You children are weak!" Rumsfeld shouted in full rage, startling the children from their tears. "When I was your age, I had to help my village fight off roaming samurai with nothing but a pitch fork. And then I was in bed by six and never complained to my parents. I bet you children couldn't even pierce bamboo armor! You disgust me!"' i need this stuff to live! also that list showed me i was friends with lots of commies, now my street is almost red free!

#11 - Posted by: Dave The Australian on February 22, 2003 07:30 AM

Hey, I prefer small, fuel-efficient cars. Of course I do this because I can't afford a fuel-guzzler, what with fuel prices being twice as high here as they are in the states.

And I am for the metric system, because it makes sense, damn it. 12 inches per foot, and god knows how many feet per mile? And I won't even start with units of volume. Gallons? Pints?

On the other hand, everything else doesn't apply, and I own a 'Better dead than Red' shirt. And I burned a Soviet flag when I was 11, and I took the Lenin pin they made me wear in school and put it on train tracks. Muahahahaha.

#12 - Posted by: Sam on February 23, 2003 12:22 PM

... you think the price one pays for groceries should be progressively proportional to one's income.

... you think only Bill Gate's son should have to pay for college

... and the most obvious, you think "from each according to his means, to each according to his needs" is a good model for society

The scary thing is I had someone mention these statements in a conversation yesterday, but, hey, as a sign of a counter-protestor in SF read, communism has only killed 100 million, it deserves another chance!

#13 - Posted by: Ruthless Russ on February 23, 2003 09:08 PM

Heard Kinky Friedman on a local morning radio show, last week. He was lighting up a cigar on-air (good man), and said, "Yeah, it's Cuban. I don't think of it as supporting their economy. I'm burning their fields."

#14 - Posted by: Noah D. on February 26, 2003 01:07 AM

You just might consider yourself a socialist or communist if...

You consider Ted Kennedy progressive.

You believe that you are too stupid to make your own decisions.

You actually believe that poor people have some mysterious noble quality.

You think that standing in line for toilet paper is natural.

You think that voting is a relic of outdated political systems.

You are confused when there are more than two types of cereal to choose from in the market.

You think that the longer it takes to do your job, the more you should get paid.

You think that O.J getting away with murder was a way of leveling the playing field.

You think that CNN is really interested in giving you the news.

#15 - Posted by: J. Adams on February 28, 2003 09:30 PM

General stupidity?
oh thank god, I almost thought i was a communist...

#16 - Posted by: Icarus on June 8, 2004 04:57 PM

Party Pocker - Poker

#17 - Posted by: Party Pocker on October 19, 2004 06:43 AM