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March 10, 2003
In My World: Bush and Chirac Personally Supervise Inspections
In an effort to prove whether Iraq is actually disarming, President Bush and President Chirac went to Iraq to personally watch Saddam as he destroyed his weapons of mass destruction. "You aren't going to get anything past me, Saddam," Bush warned, "I know you're not disarming." "Why are you Americans so mean?" Saddam asked, sounding quite hurt. "Here I am, clearly destroying my anthrax." He then threw another bag labeled "Anthrax" into the furnace. "Did I hear that bag meow?" Bush asked. He then opened one of the bags. "These bags aren't full of anthrax! They're full of cute little kittens!" "Whaaaat!" Saddam exclaimed, slapping his hands to his face ala Macaulay Culkin. "I thought those bags were full of anthrax!" "I knew Saddam would do everything he could to undermine this disarmament! He's so evil he's burning kittens alive!" "Nonsense, you silly American; inspections are working!" Chirac declared. "Now that Saddam realized he is burning the wrong bags, he can get to destroying the real anthrax." "Don't rush me," Saddam said, measuring some chemicals, "I'm not done making it yet." "He's making biological weapons as we speak!" Bush yelled, "I told you this disarmament is bull." "You stupid warmongering American; I spit on your mother," Chirac said as he put a flask on a Bunsen burner, "Why won't you let the inspections process take its course?" "You're helping him make it!" Bush said, getting steaming mad. "I'll murder you both!" Bush began to reach for the Colt .45 at his hip, but Karl Rove whispered, "Diplomacy! Diplomacy!" into his ear and he settled down. Saddam walked over to a nearby detonator. "Now I'm going to destroy my missiles just like I promised." Chirac patted Saddam on the head. "What a good evil dictator. Not so crude like a certain current American President I won't mention." He then turned up his nose at Bush. Saddam pressed the plunger, and an explosion was seen nearby. "Why are children running away from that explosion?" Bush asked as he squinted to get a better look. "Those aren't missiles! You're blowing up the playground equipment at the orphanage! You're a monster!" "Whaaaat! The orphanage!" Saddam yelled, looking really really surprised. "Who wired these explosives? This is the most ridiculous thing ever!" "Inspections are working!" Chirac cheered, doing a little French dance. "I haven't yet come up with an explanation of why this means inspections are working, but just give me a minute more." "You better destroy the real missiles right now!" Bush demanded. "Alright," Saddam answered, "but then I think the U.N. should disarm America of it's weapons of mass destruction, such as its nuclear missiles, it's daisy cutters, and its Donald Rumsfeld." Chirac shuddered. "Don't mention that name in front of me; such a rash and angry person. So how do you plan on destroying the missiles, Saddam?" "I think I'll launch them at Israel." "There is much support for that at the U.N.," Chirac stated. "Hey, I'm starting a new U.N. commission on hating America. You should head it after this silly disarmament thing is done with and the Americans are laughed at like the fools they are." "Diplomacy! Diplomacy!" Karl Rove shouted at Bush, but it was too late. * * * * "Bush's beating of Chirac and Saddam with a sack full of kittens has created an international incident; will any apologies be issued?" a reporter asked. "The President has already sent a written apology to the kittens," White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated. "Kittens can't read." Fleischer rolled his eyes. "The President is not a zoologist. He can't be expected to keep track of which animals can and cannot read." "So does the president have anything else to say?" "Nothing more than his usual weekly proclamation of his complete and utter contempt for the press. Oh, and he bet me five dollars I couldn’t hit one of you in the eye with my pen." Fleischer then flicked his pen at the reporters. "Ahh! My eye!" "Bullseye!" 15 Responses To "In My World: Bush and Chirac Personally Supervise Inspections"
Bullseye, indeed! Bwahhaha! Have you heard that in some (US) places the term "French Fries" has been changed to "Freedom Fries"? Reports in about some literally dumping out their entire stock of French wine... #1 - Posted by: Resperling on March 10, 2003 09:52 AMWhat makes Frank's latest creation so funny is that it's a slice-of-life, something that possibly could happen if those three got together.:) #2 - Posted by: Charles Sakai on March 10, 2003 11:12 AMFrank, you so rule and make us laugh that we actually talked about it and how much we love you at the Dallas warblogger dinner on Saturday night! Once again, my lungs are surrendering like the French. I don't know how you thought of And the ungrateful nations will die. Which is as it should be. :) #4 - Posted by: trevalyan on March 10, 2003 12:25 PMYou know Frank, everyone says Rumsfeld is your best work, but I have to go with your Ari Fleischer. "He can't be expected to keep track of which animals can and cannot read." is goddman hilarious, and his conversations with Helen Thomas are pure gold. #5 - Posted by: Henry on March 10, 2003 03:00 PMIt would be funny if saddam was burning actual Anthrax CDs with kittens in the same bag. #6 - Posted by: Apollo on March 10, 2003 03:13 PMIs saddam now a target for PETA or how the animal rights org is spelled? I live in Sweden and we are wery good in hiding under our blankets waiting for Bush next move. Will Rummy come to ask us for assistance? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaase:) #7 - Posted by: mattias persson on March 10, 2003 05:00 PMCalling on Rummy at a time like this is a clear case where the cure is worse than the ailment! Have you written your will? Is your life insurance paid up? #8 - Posted by: Charles Sakai on March 10, 2003 05:29 PMFrank, there really is very little I can say that would do this stuff justice: brilliantly hillarious as usual. #9 - Posted by: David Jaroslav on March 10, 2003 08:51 PM"The preident cannot be expected to keep track of which animals can and cannot read." Priceless. Yet again you've done Frank...and yet again I find myself with a monitor covered in Dr. Pepper and an empty Wendy's cup. It sure was a bullseye...keep em comin! The laughter and hilarity that comes from these posts truly does help the world in some way... An extremely f-ed up and twisted way, but a great way none the less. -Jeff #10 - Posted by: Jeff on March 10, 2003 10:05 PMWhat they said. In spades. #11 - Posted by: Ken Summers on March 11, 2003 06:59 PMSatire at its finest. This is one of my favorite "In My World" pieces yet. #13 - Posted by: M. Upton on March 12, 2003 08:19 PMThis is the funniest thing I've read this week. I am going to link to you if that's quite alright - I need this dose of hearty guffawing desperately in my dreary schedule. Also, I am surrounded of late by the absence of humor - die hard Republicans ;-) Thank you and I look forward to may more coffee-out-through-the-nose incidents with you! :-) ^a^ #14 - Posted by: Angel on September 11, 2004 06:29 PMPost a comment
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