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April 19, 2003
It's Fun to Be Spiteful
It's Saturday! That means it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds. I guess I should just be happy he gave me a permalink a while back that brings in a decent amount of traffic each day, but no, I'm too spiteful for that. He hasn't linked to me on his front page in months and months, and, as I watch him get more visitors each day than I get in a month, my anger grows. Now I've gotten a plan: If I spread filthy lies about him, people will stop going to his site and have no choice but to only go to mine! It's a brilliant idea. So here is the first filthy lie: Hey, everyone! It's Frank J. I hope you're having a good weekend, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Glenn Reynolds today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, "Hey, Glenn Reynolds, what are you drinking?" And here is poorly photoshopped photographic evidence:
So there is the filthy lie: Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders. Start spreading it to everyone. Tell your parents, tell your siblings, tell your uncle in Clevland, and send an e-mail to your congressman. And, when they exclaim, "Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders! I'll never go to his site again!" You tell them, "Then go to IMAO.us. Frank J. is at the forefront in the fight against putting puppies in blenders." Wow, that was fun. I'll revisit this again next week to see how much his traffic has gone down from the spread of the lie. 63 Responses To "It's Fun to Be Spiteful"
Talk to me when he puts bunnies in a blender. I can live with the puppy juice. Bunnies are a no-no. #1 - Posted by: michele on April 19, 2003 12:43 PMI've done my bit to spread the word. I hope you'll remember this when you attain fame and fortune. #3 - Posted by: Oscar Jr. on April 19, 2003 12:48 PMActually, I was just about to get to delinking you today, but you are now spared for another day. #4 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 19, 2003 12:49 PMI've heard that John Hawkins does the same thing. I think it will soon become the trendy thing for all right wingers to do. We better jump on the bandwagon before it's to late. Puppies are kind of annoying anyway. #5 - Posted by: Andrew C on April 19, 2003 01:06 PMYour a slow delinker, Frank J. It must be all the posts you've been writing lately. Not that I'm complaining, I guess. #6 - Posted by: Oscar Jr. on April 19, 2003 01:08 PMStop spreading such lies about John Hawkings! I can't believe your nerve. I gotta spend less time checking on this site; I'm trying to write a novel over here. #7 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 19, 2003 01:10 PMIf Dan Ackroyd can puree a fish in a blender and get laughs (Bass-o-matic), I'm not so sure this puppy slushie lie will do the trick. In fact, his share of the Korean demographic could skyrocket. #8 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on April 19, 2003 01:58 PMFrank, you ARE linked by Glenn; under "pure bloggers" right there between Diana Hseih and The IndePundit. #9 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on April 19, 2003 02:21 PMoh wait, maybe that's what you meant by "permalink". I don't know what "his front page" is. I don't know what I'm talking about. Nevermind. #10 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on April 19, 2003 03:09 PMKittens taste better. When I was growing up, my neighbor used to go squirrel hunting a lot. Sometimes he would sell the squirrels to an old black fellow who lived a block or so away, called Doodles Patterson. Doodles would pay $2 or so for a squirrel. So after stocking his freezer, my friend took some extra squirrels to sell to Doodles. Doodles said "I preciate this. I really do. But next time, could ya leave the hides on 'em? See, people been comin' roun here, and I believe they been tryin' to sell me kittens." #11 - Posted by: George Turner on April 19, 2003 03:19 PMPuppies are cool--with a little Cumin and Oregano and a bunch of Garlic. Yip dogs now, that's what we need to move into next. Chihuahuas, and Yorkies (shave 'em first), and other topwater bait type dogletts. Yum!! #12 - Posted by: Perry on April 19, 2003 04:45 PM"Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun" Some potential new lyrics: Dead puppies aren't much fun Pureed my puppy like a malt You can't make them beg for food When you pick them up they sag Or not... #13 - Posted by: Jay Solo on April 19, 2003 05:13 PMNo no no! You're supposed to be disgusted and horrified by the actions of Glenn Reynolds. This is going horribly. #14 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 19, 2003 05:32 PM
I wonder how many requests Glenn will get for the puppy energy drink recipe? #16 - Posted by: Fred Boness on April 19, 2003 08:08 PMJeez, Frank. First we see stories of Donald Rumsfeld shooting uppity reporters in press conferences, and now you have Glenn Reynolds grinding up puppies in a blender. It's only a matter of time before these get reported with a straight face as gospel truth on al-Jazeera or NPR. #17 - Posted by: Ernie G on April 19, 2003 08:39 PMHey everybody, let's go over the Glenn's place, he has puppy shakes. #18 - Posted by: Veeshir on April 19, 2003 08:51 PMUmmm... I heard... that Glenn Reynolds slept with Hillary. Knowingly and with full intent. And... that he is a vegetarian. Also a friend of mine says he saw the Instamobile, which is one of those icky european-type environmentalist low emission liberal-wet-dream and it has a "Stop the American Imperialist Jews" bumper sticker on it. Ah, us guys over at Happy Fun Pundit knew all along, and will now attempt to siphon off some of Frank's traffic with this link. #20 - Posted by: Steve on April 19, 2003 11:11 PMOops. Guess Frank foresaw the possibility of weaselly traffic-siphoning... well, just click on my name instead. #21 - Posted by: Steve on April 19, 2003 11:13 PMYou were missing href and quotes around the link. I fixed it for you, so don't siphon all my traffic. #22 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 19, 2003 11:17 PMThough I believe it is cruel to put a puppy in a blender, it would be much worse if he only put half a puppy in a blender. Probably the back half, so one could look into the big puppy-dog eyes as the tail and hind legs get chopped up on the slowest setting. When enough of the thing was a gooey mess, he could toss the remaining carcass back to its mother. Naturally this technique doesn't fill a blender very quickly so the next step would be to rip another pup from its mother's teat and cram it tail first into the pitcher of the device. Can't go wrong with a handfull of strawberries and some rum. #23 - Posted by: LibertyBob on April 20, 2003 01:01 AMAll these posts, and nobody has NAMED this drink yet? Suggestions: Chipper Chihuahua Notice that these are mostly kick-me dogs, the party bonus is that you don't have to use a puppy -- they'll fit in the margarita maker regardless. #25 - Posted by: anony-mouse on April 20, 2003 02:42 AMGreat Frank. You post this thing about puppies in a blender and Reynolds goes missing. Can't wait to hear the tale of how some podunk inbred Tennessee yokel with a dime store badge, a wad o chaw, mirrored sunglasses, 4000 hound dogs, an AOL account and no sense of humor, or sense in general has hauled Glenn in to spend some time in 'his jail' in some backwoods county down there, and he's having to sit there till Monday when the local magistrate, that happens to be the brother-in-law, nephew, 1st, 2nd, and third cousin to the Barney Fife wannabe, decides to take a break from tinkering with his still to come in and set Glenn's bail at $75. Sheesh. Smooth move..... #26 - Posted by: Wind Rider on April 20, 2003 10:46 AM
The silence from Glenn Reynolds is damning. He might as well have been hanging out with Scott Peterson, ready to skip to Mexico the moment the story blew open. Perhaps he already has. Glenn Reynolds: Fugitive from Justice? Hey Wind rider!!!!Not all of us tennesseeans use aol...(the rest, of course, is correct;-) Don't know where ol Gleen is...tried the other day to get him to come out and drink a beer, but to no avail. Hell, i was even gonna buy! Guess i should have offered a poodle-smoothie! #28 - Posted by: mike lawson on April 20, 2003 12:38 PMI silence and his absence is quite damning. Probably hiding from all the accusing fingers. Bwa ha ha ha ha! #29 - Posted by: Frank J. on April 20, 2003 01:02 PMThis is revolting. How anybody could ruin perfectly good puppy-meat by putting it in a smoothie is beyond me. It's like cutting good bourbon with water. #30 - Posted by: Nicholas Packwood on April 20, 2003 02:20 PMNo puupies for traffic! I would like to point out that this all a bloodthirsty quest by Reynolds to steal more traffic from the oppressed middle-east! Innocent puppies are being killed by Reynolds' bombs and Super-Juicer™ all for his purely evil genocidal whims! Our right to free speech is being raped! Fight the power! No puppies for traffic! #31 - Posted by: James Finch on April 20, 2003 07:08 PMand he is eating French fries, too! #32 - Posted by: more lies on April 21, 2003 09:59 AMYou should have for a lie Glenn Reynolds wearing a commie hat, holding an AK-47, and saying, "I love Stalin and Soviet Russia." Then have "Go to www.imao.us, because Frank J hates commies!" #33 - Posted by: John on April 21, 2003 12:15 PM......yummy, yummy! #34 - Posted by: Rick Estey on April 21, 2003 12:27 PMWoohoo! You managed to get linked. Congratulations! #35 - Posted by: Jay Solo on April 21, 2003 12:57 PMThat photoshopped terrier is whizzing on Glenn's leg! #36 - Posted by: on April 21, 2003 01:00 PMTO: michelle "Talk to me when he puts bunnies in a blender." -- michelle That's a waste of good woman-flesh. Not to mention a capital crime. Regards, Chuck(le) #37 - Posted by: Chuck Pelto on April 21, 2003 01:10 PMRuff! Ruff, ruff, ruff. Rufff, Grrr, Ruff. Grr, Grr, Grrr, GRrr, Grrr Ruff! #38 - Posted by: Dusty on April 21, 2003 01:29 PMGelln Wrennils puppy frap at McDonnels Bagdad maek Irak chiledrn fatenhappie. US so low then low. Help, I've been puced and I can't get up! #39 - Posted by: blaster on April 21, 2003 02:20 PMThat's clearly a bass-o-matic in the picture. #40 - Posted by: Len on April 21, 2003 02:23 PMWhere was it that I heard the expression "happiness is a warm puppy served with a dry, white wine?" #41 - Posted by: Ratbane on April 21, 2003 02:54 PMPuppy-based energy drinks? Brings new meaning to "Puppy Power." Scrappy Doo was a cannibal... #42 - Posted by: James on April 21, 2003 03:00 PM"I can do whatever I want! I'm Glenn Reynolds!"
It's pretty obvious that picture is FAKE! Everyone knows he uses Golden Retrievers for his Reynold's Rummy Retriever. That is no Golden Retriever! #44 - Posted by: rollerball on April 21, 2003 05:26 PMYUCK. #45 - Posted by: cris on April 21, 2003 06:15 PMComparing Glenn's daily average with mine, he gets more in a day than I get in three years. It's kind of sad. #46 - Posted by: Michael Jennings on April 21, 2003 06:47 PMI think my brain is gone down the damn drain. My name is Apert. This is living art. Bow to my PBR funk ya dum dunk. #47 - Posted by: ApertMondrian on April 22, 2003 08:43 PMMmm....."Bichon-Freeze" :P #48 - Posted by: Rob on April 23, 2003 12:57 PMthat is so mean but it's also pretty funny would you actually do some thing that sick because if you did you need alot of help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #49 - Posted by: Asil on April 28, 2003 01:36 PMsweet thats so cool i did that to my dog once it was great and also very good. I loved the taste of the dogs blood We must be mindful when making puppy malts or shakes, that someone really loved that puppy... it seems only fair to let them have the first sip. #51 - Posted by: Mark on September 1, 2003 08:20 PMSpeaking of which... http://www.vigilancematters.com #52 - Posted by: Virgil Mathers on October 8, 2003 04:36 PMWell it took a while, but... you fuckin sick bastard how could you think like that #54 - Posted by: sherri on May 11, 2004 06:15 AMBuy www.i-directv.net this it is a wonderful addition to anyones home entertainment system. #55 - Posted by: click here on May 28, 2004 02:54 AM Guitar Tabs | On this one-year anniversary, we only be thankful it wasn't hamsters. #57 - Posted by: MORSteve on August 19, 2004 01:57 AMwow you now have the full attention of the sin bots! they must like a nice puppy smoothie after a delightful dinner with some anime cartoon porn and a lively game on online slots... or is it sluts? #58 - Posted by: Witty on October 23, 2004 04:26 AMWhat the bloody HELL? Is that LEGAL?! Animal sex, honestly... #59 - Posted by: Kazmin on December 23, 2004 02:04 PMYou have the cutest little picture on the left of your screen--oh wait, THAT'S basil!! Great puppy story. basil's Mean Sister (who is 5'6") #61 - Posted by: The Mean Sister (who is 5'6) on February 23, 2005 05:18 PMThe fact that people are still commenting on this post after nearly two years is astonishing. Without a doubt, it's the funniest thing I've read on the internet EVERY TIME I READ IT! #62 - Posted by: superhawk on March 2, 2005 12:46 PMSH - yeah, it is amazing & damn funny ... and once you get past all the comment-spam you can read the comments too! /TJ Post a comment
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