About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


April 21, 2003
In My World: Bush Plans to Use Blasphemy Instead of War
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (15)

"President Bush..."

"Just wait a sec, Condi," Bush said as leaned out the window, waiting for the right moment. Finally, he released the water balloon. "Got him!"

"You got me all wet!" Senator Tom Daschle whined.

"Ha ha!" Bush laughed, "So what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm telling the press!" Daschle yelled.

Bush slammed the window shut. "Crybaby." He then turned to Condoleezza Rice. "If the press comes asking about this, I was here with you."

"You are with me!" Rice said impatiently.

"Good, you know how to play the game," he answered smugly as he took a seat. "What's on your mind?"

"I wanted to talk about more of our military strategy."

"Again!" Bush exclaimed, "But I wanted to watch T.V. now. You keep working me like this and I'm going to have to complain to my union boss."

"There is no presidents' union!" Rice answered irately.

Bush looked confused. "But Ariel Sharon keeps taking my dues each week..." A thought then struck him, and his expression turned to anger. "That Jew bastard! If he just wanted more money to bulldoze Palestinian homes, he could have just asked. I hate those Palestinians, always blowing themselves up. Why don't they just kill themselves?"

Rice had a number of things she wanted to say in response, but she decided to let it go. "We need to talk about Syria."

"Why can't we just talk about Iraq?" Bush complained, "We kicked ass there. I thought for a moment there was going to be trouble, but then 'zip' 'bang' 'pow', we took Baghdad. Now I just have to set up a new government there chock full of democracy, and people will be like, 'Hey, Bush, you're the best president ever!' and I'll be like, 'Yes I am. Now get me a soda, bitch!'"

"But we have to move on the popularity of the Iraqi war to go onto other wars," Rice told him, "And the troops have about run out of people to kill; they're getting restless."

"I thought we were just going to use diplomacy and scare Syria, though."

"A relentless barrage of bombs and ground troops is scary," Rice assured him.

"I dunno. I'm gonna ask Dick." He turned on the monitor with the satellite connection to Cheney's undisclosed location. "You there?"

"Si, senor."

Bush stared at the man on screen for a moment and then turned to Rice. "Did we replace Dick with a Mexican?"

"I don't believe so."

Bush looked to the Mexican. "What are you doing there?"

"I see this place here, and there was food and a T.V. So I sit down to watch T.V. but instead see American president."

"Is the Vice President around there?"

"I know not of this Vice President, senor."

"He's has white hair, is balding, tends to have heart attacks, and answers to the name of Dick."

"I would certainly have noticed such a gringo if he were here, senor."

"Alrighty, then. Well, you stay put in case we have to kill you as part of some cover-up."

"Si, senor."

Bush turned off the monitor. "Dick Cheney is loose!" he exclaimed, "He could kill millions!"

Rice just stared at him.

"Sorry, I forgot why we locked him away in the first place," Bush admitted sheepishly.

"Let's just get to my war plans," Rice demanded, "We attack Syria, then we go on to Jordan. Next, we skip over Saudi Arabia saying, "Oh, you're our friends, Saudi Arabia; we won't attack you," and then we attack Yemen. Now, when Saudi Arabia least expects it, POW! We hit them too."

Laura Bush then came in the room. "George! You're not letting that harlot talk you into more war again, are you?"

"Excuse me, Mrs. Bush," Rice said politely, "We have important matters of national security to talk about. Aren't there some books you need to order into the Dewey Decimal system?"

Laura just stared back angrily. "I have a mind to give you a good talking to one of these days," she threatened.

"Hey, let's not fight," Bush urged, "I have a great idea that doesn't involve any war. The problem with lots of those countries is that some people interpret the Koran to mean violence is okay. So let's steal their Korans and rewrite them!"

"I don't think that will work, sir," Rice said.

"It will. We'll just steal them the same as I stole Tom Daschle's Koran."

"That's the antenna to his car, dear," Laura told him.

"Whatever; same principle. We just take the Korans, put in bold letters, 'Don't kill people... especially Americans,' and there will be no more interpretations that violence is allowed. It's a great idea!"

* * * *

"Hello, Mr. Muslim," Tom Daschle said, opening his front door, "How can I help you."

"I'm fulfilling my religious obligation," the man said and then kicked Daschle in the groin.

"That bastard rewrote the Koran again!" Daschle wheezed, "I'll get him... and his little tax cuts too."

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

In My World
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933