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May 02, 2003
Frank Discussions: Bill Whittle
Posted by Frank J. at 11:26 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (45)

My last two interviews were done with people at about my own level of fame, such as Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice, but I decided this time to interview one of the lesser people. That's why I had an ICQ chat with Bill Whittle from the blog Eject! Eject! Eject! He's known best for writing asinine essays that are a physical test of one's attention span, but I wanted to see if I could challenge him to answer questions in 8,000 words or fewer. I then granted him the honor of even more of my time by letting him interview me, that half of the ICQ chat appearing on his site (I cannot guarantee any links that leave my URL; assume everything outside of IMAO is filled with porno and foul language).

Anyway, the interview:

Frank: First off, can I call you Whitler?

Bill Whittle: You can call me whatever you'd like, Mark

Frank: Thanks. I have to say I'm a big admirer of your site. You tend to get a fair number of readers, right?

Bill Whittle: Well, that depends on how many puppies Glenn has knocked back. When he's hungry, I do a little better.

Frank: Yes, the Blogfather who deems who gets traffic and who gets none. Know any secrets about him I don't?

Bill Whittle: Not really, except that that he's from Tennessee. The whole drinking puppies thing isn't such a big deal there. The Vols came down to play the Gators and you didn't see a stray dog in the neighborhood for almost a year.

Frank: I guess it serves a purpose then. The point I was getting at before is that you seem to get a lot of traffic at your site even though you post only once every month or so. Do you think that's fair to the other bloggers that blather on day in and day out?

Bill Whittle: Actually, we post almost exactly the same numbers of words. Next time you have seven or eight hours free to read one of my posts, you'll see what I mean.

Frank: Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. Why are your posts so long? Do you forget what you’re talking about midway and have to trace your way home?

Bill Whittle: That's a very astute question. You know, most of my essays start with a personal story. Then I try to do a little history, find an anecdote, perhaps a quote or two and...uh...what was I saying?

Frank: Ever thought of instead of making one long coherent essay, to just do a bunch of short incoherent essays?

Bill Whittle: Been done.

Frank: Most people, at least those who can make it through them, seem to find them quite well written. Myself, I'm quite curious to hear what your main sources of plagiarism are?

Bill Whittle: Anson Williams. He played "Potsie" on Happy Days. Not that widely read, so it's a really smart choice.

Frank: I understand. I keep having to find these obscure Hungarian comedies to steal my pieces from. Anyway, I want to stop dancing around the issue and get to the main question: have you ever killed a squirrel with a hammer?

Bill Whittle: Tack hammer or ball peen?

Frank: Either or.

Bill Whittle: Neither. I have claw hammered a few dozen of the sons of bitches. Why do you ask? Got an infestation problem?

Hello? Squirrel got your tongue?


Frank: Black out.

Bill Whittle: Mental or electrical?

Frank: I swore at God, and suddenly the lights went out. I think He was trying to send me a message, but I don't understand it. I'm sure He'll explain it to me when I'm dead.

Bill Whittle: Have you been paying His electric bill?

Frank: Oh crap, that's sitting right here on my desk.

Bill Whittle: The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Frank: Anyway, we were talking about hammers.

Bill Whittle: Yes.

Frank: So, were you successful? I've tried sneaking up on those squirrels, but they’re fidgety.

Bill Whittle: You have to throw them. The trick is to time it so they don't get hit with the handle, which just pisses them off. Then you are in REAL trouble.

Frank: Probably doing it as a drive by would be safest then. This nicely segues into my next question: why is your site named Eject!Eject!Eject!? Why not Eject!Eject! or Eject!Eject!Eject!Eject! or Whitler's Happy Fun Essays?

Bill Whittle: Well, www.whitlershappyfunessays.com was taken, so was .us, .gov, .nu, and .org. Actually, you say the word "Eject!" three times when you punch out of an airplane. If you say it twice, the other guy may think, "I think I should exit the aircraft, but what if he was talking about his VCR? I was too busy peeing into this little bottle to pay attention." Conversely, you don't have time to say Eject! Eject! Eject! Eject! By the time you get to the fourth Ej--- you're done. You're a smoking hole.

Frank: Nice little dodge to the question. I see you have a future in politics. Now back to what I think is concerning America most at this time: How much do you love the site IMAO.us?

Bill Whittle: The which?

Frank: Ha ha ha! You're hilarious. Ever thought of doing stand up?

Bill Whittle: The hecklers would make me cry.

Frank: That would be funny too. Now, I want to know more about the man we call Bill Whittle. Other than occasionally plagiarizing inspirational essays from a former star of Happy Days, what do you do with your life?

Bill Whittle: Excellent question. Breakfasts are at dawn, in the small nook of my summer mansion, high atop Pacific Palisades, overlooking the vastness of the ocean. After twenty minutes of Pondering, it's down to the local bakery for a nice breakfast kwah-sanh. During this time, I dispense largesse, call in favors, wet my beak a little, and generally mix with my Godchildren. Evenings are usually spent in my stealth Zeppelin, floating over Los Angeles in my red velvet smoking jacket and fez, reading left-wing newspapers and shouting IDIOTS! out the window with a brass megaphone.

Frank: My sister in LA has complained about that. Anyway, I tried reading one of your essays the other day. I didn't have quite enough Ritalin to get through it all, but you mentioned something about a war. What is your position on that?

Bill Whittle: I think Ritalin is over-prescribed.

Frank: Hey, my cell phone is shiny!

Bill Whittle: Can I see?

Frank: Oh, sorry, I forgot about you for a second. So what was your involvement with this war in Iraq?

Bill Whittle: Took out a few Scuds, terminated a few high-ranking leaders. Not something I care to talk about, really.

Frank: Because they were U.S. leaders?

Bill Whittle: Those things happen. It was a very fluid environment

Frank: Now, at this crucial time in American history, people seem to have divided themselves into two camps: those who I think I, Frank J., am the greatest comic genius and those who think I am the greatest genius period. Where do you fall?

Bill Whittle: Frank J? I thought this was SCRAPPLEFACE!

Frank: Goddman you! Do not mention that name in my presence!

Bill Whittle: This interview is OVER!

Is the interview really over? Find out at Eject! Eject! Eject!

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

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