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May 02, 2003
Frank Discussions: Bill Whittle
My last two interviews were done with people at about my own level of fame, such as Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice, but I decided this time to interview one of the lesser people. That's why I had an ICQ chat with Bill Whittle from the blog Eject! Eject! Eject! He's known best for writing asinine essays that are a physical test of one's attention span, but I wanted to see if I could challenge him to answer questions in 8,000 words or fewer. I then granted him the honor of even more of my time by letting him interview me, that half of the ICQ chat appearing on his site (I cannot guarantee any links that leave my URL; assume everything outside of IMAO is filled with porno and foul language). Anyway, the interview: Frank: First off, can I call you Whitler? Bill Whittle: You can call me whatever you'd like, Mark Frank: Thanks. I have to say I'm a big admirer of your site. You tend to get a fair number of readers, right? Bill Whittle: Well, that depends on how many puppies Glenn has knocked back. When he's hungry, I do a little better. Frank: Yes, the Blogfather who deems who gets traffic and who gets none. Know any secrets about him I don't? Bill Whittle: Not really, except that that he's from Tennessee. The whole drinking puppies thing isn't such a big deal there. The Vols came down to play the Gators and you didn't see a stray dog in the neighborhood for almost a year. Frank: I guess it serves a purpose then. The point I was getting at before is that you seem to get a lot of traffic at your site even though you post only once every month or so. Do you think that's fair to the other bloggers that blather on day in and day out? Bill Whittle: Actually, we post almost exactly the same numbers of words. Next time you have seven or eight hours free to read one of my posts, you'll see what I mean. Frank: Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. Why are your posts so long? Do you forget what you’re talking about midway and have to trace your way home? Bill Whittle: That's a very astute question. You know, most of my essays start with a personal story. Then I try to do a little history, find an anecdote, perhaps a quote or two and...uh...what was I saying? Frank: Ever thought of instead of making one long coherent essay, to just do a bunch of short incoherent essays? Bill Whittle: Been done. Frank: Most people, at least those who can make it through them, seem to find them quite well written. Myself, I'm quite curious to hear what your main sources of plagiarism are? Bill Whittle: Anson Williams. He played "Potsie" on Happy Days. Not that widely read, so it's a really smart choice. Frank: I understand. I keep having to find these obscure Hungarian comedies to steal my pieces from. Anyway, I want to stop dancing around the issue and get to the main question: have you ever killed a squirrel with a hammer? Bill Whittle: Tack hammer or ball peen? Frank: Either or. Bill Whittle: Neither. I have claw hammered a few dozen of the sons of bitches. Why do you ask? Got an infestation problem? Hello? Squirrel got your tongue? Hello? Frank: Black out. Bill Whittle: Mental or electrical? Frank: I swore at God, and suddenly the lights went out. I think He was trying to send me a message, but I don't understand it. I'm sure He'll explain it to me when I'm dead. Bill Whittle: Have you been paying His electric bill? Frank: Oh crap, that's sitting right here on my desk. Bill Whittle: The Lord moves in mysterious ways. Frank: Anyway, we were talking about hammers. Bill Whittle: Yes. Frank: So, were you successful? I've tried sneaking up on those squirrels, but they’re fidgety. Bill Whittle: You have to throw them. The trick is to time it so they don't get hit with the handle, which just pisses them off. Then you are in REAL trouble. Frank: Probably doing it as a drive by would be safest then. This nicely segues into my next question: why is your site named Eject!Eject!Eject!? Why not Eject!Eject! or Eject!Eject!Eject!Eject! or Whitler's Happy Fun Essays? Bill Whittle: Well, www.whitlershappyfunessays.com was taken, so was .us, .gov, .nu, and .org. Actually, you say the word "Eject!" three times when you punch out of an airplane. If you say it twice, the other guy may think, "I think I should exit the aircraft, but what if he was talking about his VCR? I was too busy peeing into this little bottle to pay attention." Conversely, you don't have time to say Eject! Eject! Eject! Eject! By the time you get to the fourth Ej--- you're done. You're a smoking hole. Frank: Nice little dodge to the question. I see you have a future in politics. Now back to what I think is concerning America most at this time: How much do you love the site IMAO.us? Bill Whittle: The which? Frank: Ha ha ha! You're hilarious. Ever thought of doing stand up? Bill Whittle: The hecklers would make me cry. Frank: That would be funny too. Now, I want to know more about the man we call Bill Whittle. Other than occasionally plagiarizing inspirational essays from a former star of Happy Days, what do you do with your life? Bill Whittle: Excellent question. Breakfasts are at dawn, in the small nook of my summer mansion, high atop Pacific Palisades, overlooking the vastness of the ocean. After twenty minutes of Pondering, it's down to the local bakery for a nice breakfast kwah-sanh. During this time, I dispense largesse, call in favors, wet my beak a little, and generally mix with my Godchildren. Evenings are usually spent in my stealth Zeppelin, floating over Los Angeles in my red velvet smoking jacket and fez, reading left-wing newspapers and shouting IDIOTS! out the window with a brass megaphone. Frank: My sister in LA has complained about that. Anyway, I tried reading one of your essays the other day. I didn't have quite enough Ritalin to get through it all, but you mentioned something about a war. What is your position on that? Bill Whittle: I think Ritalin is over-prescribed. Frank: Hey, my cell phone is shiny! Bill Whittle: Can I see? Frank: Oh, sorry, I forgot about you for a second. So what was your involvement with this war in Iraq? Bill Whittle: Took out a few Scuds, terminated a few high-ranking leaders. Not something I care to talk about, really. Frank: Because they were U.S. leaders? Bill Whittle: Those things happen. It was a very fluid environment Frank: Now, at this crucial time in American history, people seem to have divided themselves into two camps: those who I think I, Frank J., am the greatest comic genius and those who think I am the greatest genius period. Where do you fall? Bill Whittle: Frank J? I thought this was SCRAPPLEFACE! Frank: Goddman you! Do not mention that name in my presence! Bill Whittle: This interview is OVER!
45 Responses To "Frank Discussions: Bill Whittle"
And here I was expecting a serious interview. I should have known better! Scrappleface's interview will probably sound more serious, less comical, so I'll have to watch for that. #1 - Posted by: Jay Solo on May 2, 2003 11:37 AMDon't ever go to Scrappleface. He'll give you SARS. #2 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 2, 2003 11:46 AMExcellent interview Frank, but I'm still upset about this monkey thing. The monkey was supposed to win the vote. #3 - Posted by: Andrew C on May 2, 2003 11:52 AMBrilliant, as usual. This and the Career Day are two of your best! Bill Whittle: I think Ritalin is over-prescribed. Frank: Hey, my cell phone is shiny! This practically made me pee. George #4 - Posted by: George Jenson on May 2, 2003 11:54 AMTwo titans of the blogosphere. Each brilliant in their contributions. Oughta be required reading for college students and taxpaying types. A Benny Hill salute to you both. #5 - Posted by: Nolts on May 2, 2003 11:55 AMDon't worry Frank, you're 10 times better than scrappleface. :-) #6 - Posted by: ERDV on May 2, 2003 11:56 AMDid you know that Bill trains monkey faced boys to fly experimental planes that intentionally blow up? #8 - Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on May 2, 2003 12:14 PMCool! Can we watch? Kind of like a regular air show, only better... #9 - Posted by: Jay Solo on May 2, 2003 12:26 PMFunny stuff. Except the ending - why would Bill end it because you told him not to mention what's-his-face? I need a link to history here.... #10 - Posted by: Jon on May 2, 2003 12:27 PMIth, There is room in this world, thankfully, for both Scrappleface and IMAO (and Treacher, for that matter - though between those three maybe there isn't any room left for the boring ol' Onion). They fill different niches - Frank doesn't go for the deadpan not-quite-the-news angle of Sr. Ott, and conversely, for my money NOBODY beats Dr. J here at pure unadulterated intelligent whimsy. That's the word, too: whimsy. That's why I really like your 'voice,' to use an authorial term. YOU MUST EXPLAIN WHAT "IMAO" MEANS, THOUGH. NO MORE MID-SENTENCE DISTRACTIONS BY SHINY OBJECTS, INTERESTING CARS, OR BIRDS WITH IMPRESSIVE PLUMAGE. Look, *I* can admire a cockatoo and carry on a conversation at the same time. Can't YOU? Are you weird like that or something? And don't try to blame this on the monkeys. #13 - Posted by: Jeff B. on May 2, 2003 12:45 PMBut monkeys are cool! Especially the cute little Beanie Baby monkeys. What is so wrong about Ith mentioning monkeys when it's apparently okay for the Mrs. to mention monkeys, and blowing monkeys up in flight at that? #14 - Posted by: Jay Solo on May 2, 2003 12:47 PMWill you people STOP IT for God's sake? You're just encouraging him! #15 - Posted by: Bill Whittle on May 2, 2003 01:07 PMWell, I retract my short-tempered rant earlier. You can go back to being distracted by avian plumage now, if you want, Frank. I have been satisfied. (He says, cryptically...) I guess the only sporting thing to do now is to keep mum about the whole affair. #16 - Posted by: Jeff B. on May 2, 2003 01:14 PMPlumage! Bother the plumage! This parrot is DEAD! #17 - Posted by: Hodadenon on May 2, 2003 01:27 PMDon't upset Whittle Frank, he'll paradrop monkeys on your house. #18 - Posted by: Wind Rider on May 2, 2003 02:19 PMNear as I can tell, IMAO stands for "I monkey an oboe." Doesn't make much sense, but, really, is that all that surprising? #19 - Posted by: blaster on May 2, 2003 02:22 PMDid I mention that this somehow strikes me as the oddest pairing since Bing Crosby and David Bowie? IMAO = Its Monkeys All Over #20 - Posted by: Wind Rider on May 2, 2003 02:40 PMBing Crosby David & Bowie Didn't they have a hit back in the 1960s? OHhhh, no, that's not right. I keep getting them confused with THE MONKEYS. #21 - Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on May 2, 2003 02:53 PMImpressive. Hilarious stuff, you two. Not only do I lurve Bill, but I am growing very attached to Monkeyface. DAMN YOU BOTH!!! #22 - Posted by: margi on May 2, 2003 03:07 PMWith some popular suggestion and a public opinion-driven paradigm shift, perhaps when all the puppies are gone, we can unleash Glenn Reynolds on the nutria. He can use a gun when he's full. I realize that this is less controversial, but, it is certainly a more beliveable bold-faced lie, and the populace might believe he'd actually be too busy to blog (what with all the New Orleans style parties and the wealth of nutria nourishment). So perhaps it's worth a shot. And you could interview "surviving" nutria about their feelings. I'm certain you'd get some gun control commentary. And print bumperstickers. I think you'll need Bill's help, though. He certainly seems willing. hln #23 - Posted by: hln on May 2, 2003 03:07 PMOK, enough of the monkey business, y'all. I mean, Leaping Lemurs! Can't anybody have a decent primate conversation anymore without people chimping in with silly comments and other babboonery? I'm shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you! #24 - Posted by: Emperor Misha I on May 2, 2003 03:23 PMRight, Misha, right... when pygmy marmosets fly out of my butt. #25 - Posted by: Russ on May 2, 2003 04:37 PMOn another note unrelated to furry primates, I started an acronym contest that may be of some interest. #26 - Posted by: Jay Solo on May 2, 2003 06:40 PMIMAO asks the question "Is A Monkey Online?". #27 - Posted by: Debbye on May 2, 2003 09:34 PMWell, let's see...as of 7 pm Pacific, I have 44 comments, while Frank J. has 27. That means, clearly, that I am 1.62 times more popular than Frank -- furthermore, people love him ony 61% as much as they love me. Hmph. Heh. Hee hee. Hee hee hee hee. Hee hee HAW HAW HAW! Hee hee HAW HAW HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA! MUWAHHHAA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! I'm posting this on my site too so I don't skew the ratios. Delete it and I get even BETTER numbers, so laugh while you can, monkey boy! #28 - Posted by: Bill Whittle on May 2, 2003 10:09 PMHow can you insensitive people keep making with the primate jokes in a time of severe crisis? "Horrific venereal disease strikes African baboons" (http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99993694) My fave bit: Frank: Black out. I though IMAO meant 'International Monkey Assassination Organisation' #32 - Posted by: Ken on May 3, 2003 02:39 AMI actually did have a blackout during the interview. We get them so commonly here in Florida (the lightning capital of the world) that I've given up on setting most of the clocks in my house. #33 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 3, 2003 09:26 AMSure..."Lightning." I don't know if you are a real person or not Frank J., but when Bill Whittle has something to say, no surge protector in the world is strong enough to stop it! He is like a God among men, that Bill Whittle! I worship him, and so should the rest of you! As a completely impartial commmenter, new to these "blogs," I say forget about IMRU...go to Eject! Eject! Eject..! Forget about LMAO...forget...forget... #34 - Posted by: Will Hittle on May 3, 2003 10:08 AMA few anagrams of "frank j imao": A MAJOR FINK Surely, this means something. #35 - Posted by: apotheosis on May 3, 2003 02:25 PMTry getting a mechanical clock - OK so you have to wind it up every other day, but the power companies cannot stop it. And the steady pulse of the 30" pendulum swinging steadily through its arc is very comforting on a dark night with just the log fire going. Sorry Frank, I won't mention monkeys anymore. I wouldn't want to compromise that potential link next year! In the immortal words of David Letterman, "Wanna buy a monkey?" #37 - Posted by: Ith on May 4, 2003 08:23 PMI have a cool new shiny flip-phone. It doesn't work yet. I blame flying squirrel monkeys who have an agreement with God not to let them work until Frank pays his bill. #38 - Posted by: iJeff on May 5, 2003 03:55 AMIMAO = Inspired (by) Mokeys, Apes, Orangutans??? P.S. I saw a shiny Monkey for sale on Ebay... #39 - Posted by: Unrapt on May 5, 2003 01:49 PMDude.... don't advertise for your site here... trust me, no one here is ever going to care... #40 - Posted by: Fingolfin on May 28, 2004 12:39 AMIt depends upons ur layout and contents of ur blog page and the most important is topic in which the discussion is going on, that how different types of scholars gather here to express their mind's thinking. Its a really nice archive page. Do not mean to rush you here buddy as u can rely on me and one more thing that man who gets angry at the right things and with the right people, and in the right way and at the right time and for the right length of time, is commended. #44 - Posted by: G. Benjamin on December 22, 2004 05:11 AMPost a comment
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