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May 10, 2003
The Final Filthy Lie
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (20)

It's Saturday, and thus it's time for the final filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds.

I think I peaked with my first one when I claimed he put puppies in blenders, but I continued on to say he is a Satan worshipping hobo murderer and that he is a Communist spy who dances the robot. You can see his traffic on a downward slope from all these lies, but I think I'll finish it off with the worstest lie of all:

I was walking through the park again, and I saw Glenn Reynolds and was going to avoid that evil man, but he sped up to me on his moped.

"Not so fast," Glenn Reynolds said, "I have business for you."

"What? What could you want with good 'ole honest Frank J., you horrible man?"

"I just had a big puppy shake and am bursting with energy," he said with a demonic grin, "So I've decided to punch you, since you represent all that is good in pure in blogging and I represent all that is evil."

"If you do, I'll use my aikido skills against you," I threatened back, holding my ground.

"Bah! If you fight back, I'll call the police. And whom will they believe? Someone who get only a couple thousand visitors a day, or someone who get tens of thousands of visitors a day? That's right, you have to just stand there and take it like a bitch!"

So he punched me, the beloved Frank J. He hit like a girl, but it was still humiliating.

"Muh ha ha ha!" he laughed so evilly it curdled one’s blood, "I'm Glenn Reynolds! No one can stop me! No one!" He then eyed a nearby transient. "Except maybe that hobo; I better go murder him." He then zoomed off on his moped.

Here's more poorly made photographic evidence of this crime against humanity:

So here is the final filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. Tell the news, tell congress, tell other bloggers even; the lie must spread and his traffic must plunge for reasons I've now forgotten. But I think I'm going to laugh evilly anyway.

Bwa ha ha ha ha!

So what do I do next Saturday? I guess I could spread lies about other bloggers such as Misha (not actually an emperor) and Rachel (not actually a woman), but I want it to be a really big target like Glenn Reynolds. Hmm...

Rating: 2.3/5 (40 votes cast)

Filthy Lies
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