...

E.D. Hill: Why don't we just bomb France? I'm tired of hearing about them.

Brian Kilmeade: Some people say they have a right to disagree with us... but I'm not so sure.

Steve Doocy: Maybe we could just put out some weasel poison to take care of them.

E.D.: Anyway, our next guest, unlike the French, is a real hero. Just home from Iraq, here is Buck the Marine.

Buck: Thanks for the kind words, ma'am. But I am no more a hero than any other American who does his job day in and day out. Just some people's jobs are to bake bread, other people's jobs are to build automobiles, and mine is to kill foreigners.

Brian: So how would you deal with the French?

Buck: If so ordered, I would go door to door eliminating any resistance with my trusty M-16.

Steve: No weasel poison?

Buck: No, sir. I believe that would be classified as a chemical weapons. Probably there would be an aerial strike before the ground to ground fighting, though.

E.D.: Well I would just like to thank you for your service over seas. You're the reason we have a free country.

Buck: Thank you, ma'am. You can be assured that while Buck the Marine is alive and kicking, I will see to it that America is a land of liberty free to have entertaining yet informative morning shows such as this one.

Brian: So did you see a lot of action while in Iraq?

Buck: Yes sir, I did. Many Iraqis shot at me, and many Iraqis were then killed. Some people from other countries also came to fight us, so I killed them as well.

Steve: Guess they saved you the trip of going to their countries to kill them.

Buck: There were no plans to invade their countries.

Steve: I was just joking, Buck.

Buck: Oh. Sorry to ruin your comic timing, sir.

Steve: It's okay, Buck: don't worry about it.

E.D.: I understand that you were once ambushed.

Buck: Yes, that is correct, ma'am. Some Iraqis came at us with their hands raised, as if to surrender. Then, as we came near, they attacked.

E.D.: That must have really upset you seeing such deceitful tactics.

Buck: Actually, it made my day. I find taking foreigners prisoners to be quite boring, but killing them is both my job and my favorite hobby. Soon as those Iraqis moved for their weapons, me and my buddies killed the whole lot of them and then shouted, "Ooh-rah!" Now those Iraqis can practice their phony surrendering in foreigner hell.

Brian: Were you ever scared when being attacked like that?

Buck: One must always keep a healthy amount of fear to stay on their toes, but those Iraqis can barely hit anything with their second-hand AK-47's. Plus, I've been shot so many times by 7.62x39 caliber rounds that I hardly even notice anymore.

E.D.: I'm just glad you're alright now. So, how is it to be back in the States?

Buck: As much I like killing foreigners, I did miss my home, the land fought in defense of its honor and its interests. Anyway, I have to leave some foreigners for the other Marines to kill; wouldn't be fair if I killed them all myself.

Steve: Don't have to worry so much about getting shot with an AK-47 here.

Buck: That is true, still those people staring at me through the windows at my 6 o'clock are making me nervous.

E.D.: That's just tourists. We have those windows so they can look in while we're filming. They're harmless.

Buck: I would like to trust you on that, ma'am, but it goes against my instinct to have unknown entities unwatched behind me. And I certainly cannot look at them and talk to you fine folks.

Brian: Not really sure how to make them go away, Buck.

Buck: I have a solution to that manner.

(gunshot)

Buck: See, they've scattered like pigeons. Ooh-rah!

Steve: I've always wanted to do that, but the producers would never let me. So what is that gun?

Buck: It's a 1911, .45 caliber. She's my trusty sidearm, and I always keep her with me.

E.D.: You're not actually supposed to have guns in the studio.

Buck: I was unaware of that, ma'am.

Brian: And we're not supposed to do shots during commercial breaks, but, hey, rules are made to be broken.

Buck: Not for Buck. I'll keep my gun in its holster for the remainder of the show.

E.D.: Now that you are in America, I've heard that you were approached by Laura Bush to help in educating children with your experience.

Buck: Yes, ma'am. First I participated in a Career Day, where I told children what it is like to be a Marine. I thought that was pretty successful, and, at the age of six, a child has plenty of years to prepare him or her self for boot camp. Now Mrs. Bush has me working on a new program to help stop child abductions.

Brian: And you are re-defining the way children should handle being approached by strangers.

Buck: Yes, before 911, children were told that, if approached by a stranger and told to get in a car, to run away and tell someone of authority. Now that 911 has redefined things, we are moving towards a more... uh... what's that psychobabble word...

Steve: "Proactive"?

Buck: Yeah, that's it. Proactive. We're teaching children a more proactive approach to strangers... principally to stab them. I call it "Taking a Stab at Preventing Child Abductions".

E.D.: Did you think of that name yourself? It's very clever.

Buck: Yes I did. Thank you, ma'am.

Steve: So how is stabbing a stranger better than just running away from one?

Buck: Well, for one thing, it teaches wackos to fear children, as they should. Also, it makes the said strangers easier to identify to the police. Instead of just saying to look for a "Strange looking man," they can be told to look for a "Strange looking man with a hideous stab wound."

E.D.: And the kids love this.

Buck: Yes, ma'am. I've taught them my favorite stabbing method. That is to hold the knife such that the blade faces upwards. Then, after stabbing, the blade can be removed in an upwards, slicing motion, causing maximum damage.

Brian: That's great advice, but I hear that some school districts have given you trouble.

Buck: That is true, sir; many schools do not allow children to carry knives.

E.D.: It's almost like they want children to be abducted!

Buck: I do not know their motives, ma'am, but I will not teach children to break the rules. Instead, I've taught them ways to stab strangers while abiding to school policy. They can use a sharpened pencil or a key, both things they are allowed to bring to school. I've also taught children how to cut someone's throat with a credit card, but most elementary school children do not have credit cards due to their lack of a credit history and steady jobs.

Steve: Sounds like you are doing some good work for the children.

Buck: If I can help kids have happy childhoods free of troubles, then I will be a happy Buck. Just as happy as when killing foreigners.

E.D.: That's a beautiful sentiment.

Brian: Now, as clean cut as you are, I hear you have run into some legal trouble.

Buck: Yes, sir. I had witnessed a flag burning. Though it brought a tear to my eye to see such a travesty, I understand that it is considered free speech, something I have shed blood on more foreign lands than I can count in defense of. Then I thought, well I am allowed free speech as well. Since one sets fire to an American flag to protest the American flag, I thought I would set fire to a flag-burner to protest flag-burning. Ends up that was not considered speech, and I was brought to court over it.

E.D.: That is such a double standard!

Brian: Well, some might say that the difference is one is a flag, and the other a person.

Buck: Yes, sir, I understand that argument, but I ask, who do people respect more, the American flag or a hippy? Seems more people respect that flag, so I don't see why burning a hippy would be a worse crime.

Steve: So what was the verdict?

Buck: In the state of Alabama, burning a hippy constitutes a fifty dollar fine.

E.D.: But you're not going to pay it?

Buck: No, ma'am. I'm going to fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. I'm going to fight for my speech as well as others.

E.D.: And we certainly wish you good luck with that.

Brian: Now we're going to take some call from our viewers. Claire from Austin, Texas, do you have a question for Buck?

Claire: Yes, but first of all I want to say how thankful I am for him killing all those foreigners.

Buck: It was my pleasure, ma'am.

Claire: So, Buck, what do you think of all those anti-war protestors?

Buck: Well, I was killing those foreigners for the protestor’s freedom of speech as well. Even though I may not agree with them, that they can express their viewpoints is a beautiful thing. That said, I must remind protestors that, while it is legal for them to shout whatever epithets they want at me and to deride my military service, it is not legal to touch me, as learned one protestors who will no longer have the use of his left hand.

Steve: Conrad from San Francisco, California, you're on Fox and Friends.

Conrad: I just want to say I'm disgusted by a baby-killer like Buck who fights for corporate oil interests!

E.D.: Oh my God! What a horrible person! It scares me to think that someone like that watches this channel.

Brian: Maybe he meant to watch CNN and accidentally hit the remote control buttons for this channel.

Steve: Or maybe he's an (shudder) MSNBC viewer.

E.D.: I keep telling the higher ups that I don't want affiliates carrying our channel in places like San Francisco and Berkley. I can't sleep at night thinking weirdoes like those people were looking at me on T.V.

Buck: Still, Conrad made a good point. One has to be careful with those babies. Once on an operation we encountered a baby in a crib. We stopped to say, "Aww, what a cute little baby." Then he attacked us. Ended up being a homicidal midget with a knife. A midget, being so small, he was hard to shoot. Ended up losing four good men to that goddamn midget.

Steve: They prefer to be called "the vertically challenged".

Buck: Sorry, sir. I lost four good men and to that goddamn vertically challenged person. Now I look on all babies with suspect.

E.D.: I know what you mean. Every once in a while I'm scared my baby might have been replaced by a midget in disguise.

Buck: That's why someone should always have a gun in hand when checking on her newborn.

E.D.: Great advice for new mothers. Great advice.

Steve: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank you, Buck, for stopping by and sharing your time with us.

Buck: It was my pleasure, sir. Ooh-rah!

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In My World
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