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May 12, 2003
Frank Answers: Shape of the Universe, Why I'm a Stud, and My Horrible Secret!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (15)

Catlin W. writes:
Dear Frank, I'm a 15 year old girl and I was just wondering, why are conservatives such studs and liberals such pussies?

Though there are some exceptions (such as John Collins), most conservatives, such as me and Donald Rumsfeld are total studs, while liberals are a bunch of little pussies. That's because liberalism goes completely against manliness, as it is all about whining about how unfair things are and worrying about offending people. Conservatives, on the other hand, don't whine; they just kick, punch, and shoot things when they don't like the situation. And we don't worry about "offending" someone; if someone feels offended by me, they can wait for me out side and we can settle it mano-e-mano.

That's why all the ladies are like, "Frank, you're almost too manly."

And I'm like, "Don't worry, baby, I can be gentle too."

"Tell me again about your views on fiscal policy."

"I just like less taxes so I have more money to spend on the ladies."

"Oh, Frank, take me now and talk dirty to me about family values!"

...Uh, I think I strayed off topic. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, Catlin.

George S. asks:
Is the Universe expanding or contracting?

Great question. To answer this, one must first determine what type of universe we have. The possibilities are a closed universe (positive curvature) which is finite, a flat universe (zero curvature) which is infinite, or an open universe (negative curvature) which is also infinite. If the universe is infinite, then it will always be expanding. If it is finite, it will eventually contract and collapse upon itself. So how do we know what type of universe it is? That is found by measuring the universe's critical density. By the best measurements so far, the critical density is surprising close to that of a flat universe (zero curvature). Of all the infinite possibilities of curvature that the universe could have, it seems more than a coincidence that measurements point towards a flat universe. If you take dark matter into account...

Sorry, I just cracked up; all that stuff I wrote before was just total BS I made up as a joke. Sorry to be jerking you around like that. Now to actually answer your question, the universe is similar to that represented in the game Asteroids. When you fly your ship towards one side, you come out the opposite side. This makes the universe doughnut shaped. How can we be certain the universe is doughnut shaped? Well, for one thing, doughnuts are yummy. Plus, doughnuts are the same shape as bagels, thus the universe’s shape fits with the Zionist conspiracy. Also, the game Asteroids is still addictive after all these years, so that has to mean something.

So think of the big bang as one asteroid being destroyed at the center of the screen and breaking into four pieces that fly outwards. That's the universe expanding. Eventually the pieces will reach the edges of the screen and the come out the opposite sides, heading back towards the center - a collapsing universe. Sometimes a UFO will appear. If you shoot that, you get extra points. So, the universe will expand until all the galaxies go out one side of the screen and then it will suddenly start contracting.

Still, that leaves the question open to which state are we in now. I believe currently the universe is expanding, because I think I remember some guy telling me that once.

Venomous Kate asks:
Why are you not reading my blog on a religious basis?

Well... uh... the reasons are three fold. Uh... it's like...

Okay! I admit it! I'm completely illiterate! Somehow I faked my way through high school and college to get a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering by looking at the pretty pictures in the books. I write this entire blog by using voice dictations software. There, now you know. I hope you're happy. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep (for a one hour power-nap) period

I meant to write the. Mark, not the word. Argh! You stupid software! I'm just yelling at you; stop writing what I am saying. Backspace backspace delete. Ah, Dammit! May you burn in the fiery depths of Hades!

Damn Microsoft! It's probably going to freeze now and

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Frank Answers
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