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May 12, 2003
Frank Answers: Shape of the Universe, Why I'm a Stud, and My Horrible Secret!
Catlin W. writes: Though there are some exceptions (such as John Collins), most conservatives, such as me and Donald Rumsfeld are total studs, while liberals are a bunch of little pussies. That's because liberalism goes completely against manliness, as it is all about whining about how unfair things are and worrying about offending people. Conservatives, on the other hand, don't whine; they just kick, punch, and shoot things when they don't like the situation. And we don't worry about "offending" someone; if someone feels offended by me, they can wait for me out side and we can settle it mano-e-mano. That's why all the ladies are like, "Frank, you're almost too manly." And I'm like, "Don't worry, baby, I can be gentle too." "Tell me again about your views on fiscal policy." "I just like less taxes so I have more money to spend on the ladies." "Oh, Frank, take me now and talk dirty to me about family values!" ...Uh, I think I strayed off topic. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, Catlin.
Great question. To answer this, one must first determine what type of universe we have. The possibilities are a closed universe (positive curvature) which is finite, a flat universe (zero curvature) which is infinite, or an open universe (negative curvature) which is also infinite. If the universe is infinite, then it will always be expanding. If it is finite, it will eventually contract and collapse upon itself. So how do we know what type of universe it is? That is found by measuring the universe's critical density. By the best measurements so far, the critical density is surprising close to that of a flat universe (zero curvature). Of all the infinite possibilities of curvature that the universe could have, it seems more than a coincidence that measurements point towards a flat universe. If you take dark matter into account... Sorry, I just cracked up; all that stuff I wrote before was just total BS I made up as a joke. Sorry to be jerking you around like that. Now to actually answer your question, the universe is similar to that represented in the game Asteroids. When you fly your ship towards one side, you come out the opposite side. This makes the universe doughnut shaped. How can we be certain the universe is doughnut shaped? Well, for one thing, doughnuts are yummy. Plus, doughnuts are the same shape as bagels, thus the universe’s shape fits with the Zionist conspiracy. Also, the game Asteroids is still addictive after all these years, so that has to mean something. So think of the big bang as one asteroid being destroyed at the center of the screen and breaking into four pieces that fly outwards. That's the universe expanding. Eventually the pieces will reach the edges of the screen and the come out the opposite sides, heading back towards the center - a collapsing universe. Sometimes a UFO will appear. If you shoot that, you get extra points. So, the universe will expand until all the galaxies go out one side of the screen and then it will suddenly start contracting. Still, that leaves the question open to which state are we in now. I believe currently the universe is expanding, because I think I remember some guy telling me that once.
Well... uh... the reasons are three fold. Uh... it's like... Okay! I admit it! I'm completely illiterate! Somehow I faked my way through high school and college to get a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering by looking at the pretty pictures in the books. I write this entire blog by using voice dictations software. There, now you know. I hope you're happy. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep (for a one hour power-nap) period I meant to write the. Mark, not the word. Argh! You stupid software! I'm just yelling at you; stop writing what I am saying. Backspace backspace delete. Ah, Dammit! May you burn in the fiery depths of Hades! Damn Microsoft! It's probably going to freeze now and * * * * Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. 15 Responses To "Frank Answers: Shape of the Universe, Why I'm a Stud, and My Horrible Secret!"
I often use the excuse "i cant read or write" to get away without answering a stupid question, and since there are no stupid questions, and only stupid people, they believe me. #1 - Posted by: Joey D on May 12, 2003 10:18 AMOh, Frank, I certainly didn't mean to prompt such a crisis in your life. It's ok. Really. I'll use more pictures. Now, about talking dirty on the family values... #2 - Posted by: Venomous Kate on May 12, 2003 11:49 AMFrank, you are totally awesome. Your website rocks. Reading all the cool junk on your site reminds me of what this fight is really all about. It's about cleaning up the streets. It's about... 1. Killing all of the following: 2. Establishing a Truly Republican government that will then proceed to establish the First Benevolent Dictatorship of America, preferably led by an arrogant asshole who doesn't take any crap off of anybody. You rock, Frank. You totally rock. Your website kicks @$$!!! #3 - Posted by: Clint the Cool Guy on May 12, 2003 12:28 PMThat's quite an agenda, Clint... Anyway, if your looking for a cool Muslim, then I'd remind you of the one who helped save Pfc. Lynch at the risk of his own life. Plus, I believe Muslims in this country earn more than the national average, showing that Muslims are perfectly capable of living successful lives as long as they just don't live in the Middle East. #4 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 12, 2003 12:45 PMSorry, Frank. Looks like I was wrong.You're right. I beg your forgiveness. Okay, don't kill the Muslims. Just move them all to the U.S. and make them become a part of our evil imperialist Zionist society. Make them live in an oppresive air-conditioned house with running water, make them shop in our loathsomely greedy marketplaces such as Wal-Mart, make them go to a mind-washing brain-numbing college for a high-dollar eduction (for free since they are an oppressed my minority), and then make them work in a capitalistic oil-hungry middle-class job. Also, give them the option to go to church to learn our disgusting, corrupt, Christian, Jew-loving values. As long as they continue to pay taxes, it's all good. P.S. What you wrote about the universe expanding or collapsing was hilarious! You really had me going for a second. It really sounded like you knew what you were talking about, until you threw in that bit about "dark matter". Good job! Plus, I read your take on Ninjas today and reviewed your interview with the president. Next time you talk to him, could you ask him how he manages to keep from reaching out and strangling reporters who keep asking dumb questions? And also, tell him Clint from Texarkana said "Hey." Thanks :) #5 - Posted by: Clint the Cool Guy on May 12, 2003 01:04 PMGeeBeez Louieez Frankie http://www.spikybras.com/ #6 - Posted by: Dr Dudecicle on May 12, 2003 01:22 PMFrank, I'm swooning. You are, in fact, a stud. And I'm trying to think of a terribly clever question for you. Hmmm... #7 - Posted by: Rachel on May 12, 2003 02:47 PMI have never seen the issue of whether or not the universe is expanding or contracting treated that way before. Keep up the good work, and don't let Glenn keep you down. #8 - Posted by: FH on May 12, 2003 03:52 PMUmmmm...is it just me, or is Clint's agenda more white supremacist than conservative? In my city, white guys (and girls) have the same pants/underwear problem he described. Shouldn't they be included in the list as well? #9 - Posted by: Jennifer on May 12, 2003 07:22 PMI'm with Jennifer. I hate people with dumb pants no matter what race they are. #10 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 12, 2003 09:45 PMEspecially those goddamn golfers. #11 - Posted by: aorben on May 12, 2003 10:02 PMI can forgive a golfer his pants if he can sink a 40 ft putt. Clint just seems too lost to be found. Tryin' to feel his way through a blender if y'know what I mean... Actually, Clint is married to a young lady who is considered a minority in this country. So, he isn't a part of the kkk or anything that stupid. I do agree that anyone with pants falling off is dumb, no matter the race. I don't need to see their underwear. #13 - Posted by: Whatever on May 13, 2003 12:22 PMHey Whatever, Thanks for your nice comments. I know who you are, actually. Let me tell you, I would vote for you to be supreme dictator any day... As for Tuning Spork... "Clint just seems too lost to be found. Tryin' to feel his way through a blender if y'know what I mean..." No. What DO you mean, exactly? Guilty about what exactly? I just happen to think that in Star Wars the Empire should have won instead of the Rebels, that's all I'm sayin'. " sort of a wussie ku klux clam if y'know what I'm sayin'..." A Ku Klux CLAM? Well, I may be a Ku Klux Oyster, but a clam? Come on man, that's just insulting! "Too good for his own conscience;" What does this mean exactly? I think I am having some sort of brain fart here or something.
Huh? No, I ain't catching any drifts here. Just the warm rotten stench of bad english. I'm trying to think of something else to say that will really piss people off. How about this? TO ALL RACES EVERYWHERE!!! I THINK ALL OF YOU SHOULD JUST... Oh sorry, I have to get back to work now. #14 - Posted by: Clint the Cool Guy on May 13, 2003 02:00 PMlove the list clint #15 - Posted by: Joey D on May 13, 2003 07:59 PMPost a comment
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