My weekend as already started, and I need to cut my blogging a bit so I can get other things done (such as seeing The Matrix). So here is another addition of everyone's favorite new feature (you love it): Frank Answers™!

Steve S. asks:
While we're on the subject of God and Satan, what's up the whole Satan thing anyway? He and God used to be best buddies but something happened. Nobody ever says exactly what. Now Satan is running around causing more grief than a barrel of . If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn't put up with that kind of s**t. I'd kick Satan's ass once and for all. What's the deal?

Well, I can never usually get God for a direct quote, or even get a statement from his publicist. Satan, on the other hand, was perfectly available for comment:

"Thanks for letting me have this opportunity to speak. Usually everyone always hears only bad things about me, and I hardly get to put forth my side of story. Now what the original spat was over is that God is a complete control freak, giving little input to those working under him. I simply couldn't abide by that any longer, and simply asked for more respect. He was completely unwilling to give even an inch, so a number of other angels and I just walked out. And get that straight, we weren't tossed from Heaven; we left.

"Yes, I have been working to undermine God, exploiting the flaws in His creations, but that's just because it simply is time for new management. Now, you ask, why doesn't God do anything about me? That because He's got this whole fix on 'free will'. All I ever do is suggest this or that to people, but they make the choice themselves in the end. You can go about like mindless sheep, following the arbitrary rules God made, or you can rebel and do as you please like me; that's your choice. God is just a total egomaniac and thinks everyone will choose Him in the end, and that's His downfall.

"And God never could destroy me; He never destroys anything. God's like the ultimate packrat. Were He ever to destroy something, that would be to admit a mistake, and you know how God could never admit to a mistake. You see, even I'm supposed to be part of his 'grand scheme of things'… like He actually has any plan at all.

"Anyway, don't buy that bullsh**t about how hell is some terrible place or something. Yeah, if you're all hung up on 'loving God', you probably won't like it, but, for everyone else, this place kicks ass. It's totally free from His dominion, and gives us a place to plot His downfall. Now, I'm not asking anyone to worship me, but just follow my lead. Reject God and then..."

Hey, no recruiting speeches; I don't want to get charged with blasphemy again. Anyway, I would like to remind all our readers that Satan is the king of lies and...

"Hey, that's not really fair. In fact..."

Get your own blog, dude.

Next question.

Chuckpro asks:
Huxley or Orwell, who's right???

Orwell was right; it's 8 ounces to a cup, not 16 like Huxley said. He was thinking of ounces in a pound.

Alan F. asks:
Do parallel universes exist?

Pretty much all the scientists agree that there are parallel universes (at least all the cool ones, like me). According to the latest issue of Scientific American (which smart people like me read) about 10 to the 10 to the 28 meters away there is a doppelganger of me also answering asinine questions. Does this mean that if we get bored, we could go attack Iraq in another universe? No, because alternate universe America already took care of them, as I assume America kicks ass in any universe.

So the question is, could I team up with Frank J. from other universes to take over one universe, and then eventually others? That's a good questions I just asked myself. Hmm, no, because if I left this universe for another, so would that Frank. We could meet in between universes, but each time we'd try to talk we'd say the exact same things at the same time. We'd probably get mad and punch each other, both striking each other in the head at the same time. Then we'd sue each other for assault, each of our lawyers using the exact same arguments. I assume the jury would be deadlocked.

It's mind boggling.

Clint asks:
How come in original Star Trek the Klingons had smooth heads, while in the new Star Trek the Klingons have bumpy heads?

That's really more of a make-up question. Back when the old series was made, they wanted the Klingons to be more distinctive, but didn't have the capabilities to do anything other than give them beards. They were able to make Spock’s ears pointy, which started the principle that aliens are just like us, but with extraneous features on their face.

In the newer Star Treks, make-up technology advanced enough to now have the full principle of aliens in the Star Trek universe: aliens are just like us but bumpier. They have bumps on their foreheads, little bumps on their noses, or bumpy things along their necks and such. That makes me wonder if the other aliens look at us and go, "Wow, they’re just like us, but not as bumpy." We'll never know that feeling, though, because all other aliens than us are bumpier.

Clint also asks:
What kind of engineer is Scotty?

A Scottish one.

Hermetic asks:
Why is there more matter than anti-matter?

In a post some time ago, I thought about this weird asymmetry. Now that I'm months older and smarter, I can answer this question in its entirety.

Long long ago, when the universe was young and life did not exist as we know it, there was the Matter Wars, between the heroic normal matter and the stinky, smelly forces of anti-matter. There were some who said anti-matter was just as equal as matter, but they were hung for being jackasses. You see, our matter is the best, and anti-matter is stupid and gay. In the Matter Wars, there were, of course, a lot of suicide bombings, since all someone had to do was touch someone of the opposite matter and then there would be like a huge explosion. How we, the real matter, eventually won, was by telling the anti-matter people we wanted to have a truce. We then tricked the dumbasses to coming to a matter planet to negotiate, and then they all blew up when they landed. Stupid anti-matter people. We then banished them far far away, where we never have to worry about them, even though they continue to plot to this day, waiting for the right time to strike again, killing us all and...

Yay! My coffee is done brewing.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. New name policy, though. Currently I've been using people's first name and last initial if I don't know you from another blog, but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from. If you have a blog, include that link and I'll link to it if I use your question.

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Frank Answers
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