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May 21, 2003
In My World: Orange Alert
Rumsfeld frowned at the crowd in front of him. "Why are there so many of you?" "After the whole Jayson Blair incident, our editors are really cracking down on us about making up quotes or just stealing stories from the reporters nerdy enough to actually go to press conferences," explained one reporter, "So now we all had to come to actually listen to you." "I hate reporters," Rumsfeld muttered, "If you want a quote, here's one: When Jayson Blair's book comes out, I will personally beat him to death with it. Now get on with your inane questions." "Why are we in orange alert now?" "How the hell would I know?" Rumsfeld shot back angrily, "That's home security crap. My desire to kill foreigners is always at red alert." "But do you know anything about what the alert may be about?" "No, all I know is it's some chatter about attacking a press conference." "Infidels!" screamed four Muslim extremists who entered the room carrying AK-47's. "We are in charge now!" "You know this pisses me off!" Rumsfeld growled. "We do not care!" answered a terrorist, "We hate Jews, America, and all American officials - except for a few of the Democrats - for reasons of varying levels of coherency, and you reporters will broadcast our message or we will kill you." "Can't you do both?" Rumsfeld suggested. "Laugh while you can, infidel!" shot back the terrorist. "We will execute you, the evil one who caused war against us Muslims and bombed our villages." "Oh, and I'm really convinced that was a bad idea now," Rumsfeld chuckled. He then pulled out a tape recorder. "Note to self: bomb more villages." * * * * "Infidel!" "No, my name is Buck, Buck the Marine," Buck corrected, "I'm waiting here to meet with Rumsfeld after his press conference. We were going to go to a bar, drink a moderate amount of alcohol, and discuss new wars where I would get to kill more foreigners. Hey, those are neat AK-47's you two have; looks just like the guns used by a lot of the foreigners I kill." "You killed out Muslim brothers!" the terrorist exclaimed. "You knew them?" Buck exclaimed, "What a small world. So what are you guys' names?" "I am Mohammed." "I am also Mohammed." "That's funny; you're both named Mohammed. I was once in a platoon with two guys named John. We had to give them both crazy nicknames like 'Johnny' and 'Jonathan'." Buck laughed. "So do you guys ever use nicknames like 'Mohammy' and 'Mohammathan'?" "Do you insult our Muslim religion?" "No, I don't meant to do that at all," Buck said sincerely, "My parents taught me to always be nice to people of other religions since they are destined for hell anyway since they haven't accepted Jesus into their lives." Buck nudged their AK-47 away from him. "You really have to practice better gun safety and watch where you point those things. Never point a gun and anything you don't mean to shoot." A thought then struck him. "Hey, it's an orange alert right now, which means I'm being extra vigilant, and I'm starting to think you people are suspicious." "We will kill you and this Rumsfeld!" shouted one of the terrorists, "Then we will spit on the American flag and burn it." "You just made a big mistake," Buck said darkly, "You angered a Marine." * * * * "Try to negotiate with them," urged a reporter. "No, we may end up with an outcome where they don't die," Rumsfeld answered, “That’s unacceptable.” "Can you use your warmongering to save us?" asked another. "Fine," Rumsfeld grumbled. "Quiet, infidels! It is now time to execute Rumsfeld." “Don’t think that’s going to happen, a-rab.” "Ha! How will you stop us, old man?" "By drawing my guns and shooting you," Rumsfeld said, drawing his guns and shooting him. He then rolled across the ground and held out his .45's in two different directions, quickly dispatching the other three terrorists in the room. "There may be more terrorists in the building," Rumsfeld warned, "So everyone take out their guns." "We don't have any guns," a reporter said. "No guns!" Rumsfeld yelled, "You knew we were in orange alert and didn't bring a gun! Rarr!" He then grabbed the reporter and started shaking him. Suddenly they heard more gunshots outside the room. It went on for a few seconds and then it ceased. It was silent for a few seconds, finally broken by the shout of "Ooh-rah!" Buck entered the room. "There was a bunch of evil foreigners outside," he explained to Rumsfeld, "So I killed them good and then shouted, 'Ooh-rah.'" "We heard," Rumsfeld answered, "Good job, Buck." Buck looked at the reporters as he carefully held an AK-47. "Are you sure none of them are terrorists?" "Not that sure," Rumsfeld replied. He then looked at his watch. "We still have time for one more question." "Do you think you used excessive force against the terrorists?" "Hey, you all saw me," Rumsfeld said, "I didn't continue to shoot them after they were dead." He looked to Buck. "I've decided that questions was asinine; hand me something to break over his head." Buck handed him the AK-47. Rumsfeld then smacked it over the reporter’s head, snapping off the wooden stock. "Time for drinks," Rumsfeld announced to the reporters, "None of you are invited." "Do you think in the next war we could kill Commies," Buck asked Rumsfeld as they headed out of the room, "I'm getting tired of killing these Muslim extremists; it's too easy." "We'll see, Buck; we'll see." 36 Responses To "In My World: Orange Alert"
FOX News Correspondent. Where the hell was he!? Frank, I love your world! Rummy's "rarr!" gets the monitor spew every time. Keep up the great work. #3 - Posted by: Ian on May 21, 2003 09:14 AMHAHAHAHAHAHA! Pretty darned good again Frank. Buck is a pretty decent killer for a Marine. He'd probably make a pretty decent Ranger. "'By drawing my guns and shooting you,' Rumsfeld said, drawing his guns and shooting him". It's been a while since an english comp class, but I think Rummy shot himself. That or he took the gun of a terrorist, then shot the terrorist. I prefer that second one. But that would mean that terrorists are using a quality weapon like a .45 because that's what Rummy used to shoot the terrorist. You make my sides hurt Frank, thanks. :) My favorite lines: (as always) "I killed them good and then shouted, 'Ooh-rah.'" O...M...G... The 'Mohammy' and 'Mohammathan' thing made me laugh so hard I almost sent a stream of Earl Gray all over my monitor, via my nose. I have also, seemingly, added raar to my vocabulary. My husband asked me last night where that raar thing was coming from. I said, "Blame Frank." He said, "Who's Frank?!?!" #6 - Posted by: kelley on May 21, 2003 09:35 AMGreat one Frank! "Can't you do both?" Rumsfeld suggested. Lordy, that's good. Rustmeister Frank, that was awesome. I wish I was living in that world right now. #8 - Posted by: Clint the Cool Guy on May 21, 2003 10:26 AMWhy didn't the Fox News Reporter have a gun?? She could have helped. #9 - Posted by: Nick on May 21, 2003 10:27 AMAny day where Buck and Rumsfeld are involved in dispatching terrorists (or the press - it really makes no difference) is instantly made a hundred times better than it was. I would have appreciated a more expanded version of the actual killin' methods that Buck used, though. In My World Director's Cut perhaps? #10 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on May 21, 2003 11:04 AMIt's been said before, but the 'Mohammy' and 'Mohammathan' line was killer. My side hurts now. I hope you are not sued for causing computer damage in the form of spewed beverages. #11 - Posted by: ken on May 21, 2003 11:09 AMMy only question is this: why did it take Rummy so long to react? I mean, any other time, when a reporter is being stupid, he just shoots them or rips them limb from limb, but this time, he held back. I can understand that he was probably hoping that the terrorists would kill the reporters, but come on - this is Rumsfeld we're talking about here: any chance to kill foreigners is something he should jump at. And then he actually decided to do something about it when the cowardly wussy little reporter asked him to... it's like Rummy needs permission to lash out violently, especially against terrorists in the same room with him. Maybe Rumsfeld actually took his medicine that morning? Other than the slight character discrepancies, excellent. I keep wondering how you're going to top the last article you did, Frank, and somehow you always do. #12 - Posted by: David on May 21, 2003 11:46 AMOk, that was just hilarioius. Especially "No, my name is Buck, Buck the Marine," It had that forboding sense of doom that begs the question 'how will he kill them?' However, I have one question. Why wasn't the Fox News reporter armed? I mean The communist news network guys would die before recognizing the 2nd ammendment, but ya gotta believe the Fox News people are packing heat. "Burn a flag on my time will you" *blam blam blam* #13 - Posted by: Andrew on May 21, 2003 12:07 PMI wanted to try and keep this one short, so involving the Fox News Reporter would have made it too character heavy. #14 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 21, 2003 12:34 PMGood stuff! Rarr! #15 - Posted by: Donnah on May 21, 2003 01:28 PMWow, that was just like a Tom Clancy story, only the good guys don't wuss out and the characters are much more believable! Good show. When is the movie coming out? #16 - Posted by: Chris on May 21, 2003 01:42 PMThat was hysterical! My fave line (besides the Mohammy, Mohammathon line) is: "You just made a big mistake," Buck said darkly, "You angered a Marine." You write great dialogue, even when there's no blatant comedy. Now I'm jealous. Courtney Yeah, that "You just made a big mistake" line was classic. I instantly envisioned Buck being surrounded by thundering stormclouds of doom as he prepared to unleash the furies of Hell on those pathetic raghead saps. BTW, did we ever get a handle on whose face should be the official image for Buck? #18 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on May 21, 2003 02:38 PMAs to Big Dog, and the FNR.... Fox News Reporter (female, remember) wasn't there cuz all the NYT reporters were in her way... I bet she was invited to the post-conference drinks to get a personal scoop, though. As for Big Dog being so nice... yeah, he had to have actually had his medication that day. Darned Condi and her 'we have to bomb them before we go killing them indiscriminately' pacifism (well, relatively speaking). #19 - Posted by: Dave on May 21, 2003 03:40 PMIf you'll recall, in the last episode Rummy got pumped full of elephant traquilizers. He was probably still shaking it off. #20 - Posted by: Nephi on May 21, 2003 04:41 PMHey Frank, Have Buck the Marine give a College graduation speech next time ... #21 - Posted by: Big Lou from Brooklyn on May 21, 2003 05:17 PMI will never ever see a real news conference with Rummy and the gang the same way ever again!! #22 - Posted by: Martin on May 21, 2003 08:13 PM*dances around singing "Buck! Buck! Buck! Buck! OOO-rah, Buck!* #23 - Posted by: Sailorette on May 21, 2003 08:45 PMBuck the Marine probably used an entrenching tool. Love that "thwack" sound it makes when hitting bone. Rummy had the Colts in the rostrum. #24 - Posted by: alfredo stroessner on May 21, 2003 08:54 PMI see several people agree with me that, "You just made a big mistake," Buck said darkly, "You angered a Marine." was the best line. I also got pretty much the same images as Mike the Marine. Thanks, serenity. I was afraid this one wasn't going to be that funny. #26 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 21, 2003 09:56 PMThe Mohammy - Mohammathan bit was definately my favorite! Blindsided me on that one. Two other bits I liked that haven't been mentioned: "We hate Jews, America, and all American officials - except for a few of the Democrats - for reasons of varying levels of coherency..."
"Not that sure," Rumsfeld replied. #27 - Posted by: Brian on May 22, 2003 01:57 AMFave moment: "Laugh while you can, infidel!" shot back the terrorist. "We will execute you, the evil one who caused war against us Muslims and bombed our villages." LOL! And I can soo imagine Rummy doing that at a real press conference. #28 - Posted by: Korgmeister on May 22, 2003 07:30 AMWe hate Jews, America, and all American officials - except for a few of the Democrats - for reasons of varying levels of coherency genius #29 - Posted by: Susie on May 22, 2003 08:20 AMMost excellent, Frank! I'm still chortling over the "Mohammy" and "Mohammathan" thing, although Buck saying, "So I killed them and then shouted 'Ooh-rah!'" was great also. It was clear to me that Rummy was greatly amused by the nerve of the terrorists barging in on the press conferece and was simply taking his time and savoring their inevitable deaths at his mighty, Colt-filled hands. Go, Rummy! Keep up the good work! #30 - Posted by: Seth on May 22, 2003 01:30 PMSomeone above asked about a possible portrait for Buck. Frank, if you've ever seen Dr. Strangelove, you should use the face of the soldier who captures Lionel Mandrake and calls him a "pre-vert" near the end of the movie. Everything about Buck reminds me of that guy. #31 - Posted by: Captain_Overkill on May 22, 2003 01:37 PMIt suprises me that the fox news reporters aren't carrying M16's and shooting them into the air. I have a feeling they maybe communists. Can't wait for further adventures of Buck the Marine! As for Rummy, in the movie or video version, the camera captures his entire body throbbing with the urge to shoot another target of opportunity. #34 - Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger on May 23, 2003 03:37 AMi think that nuking the moon is the best idea ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #35 - Posted by: killer monkey on July 14, 2004 04:06 PMPost a comment
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