IMAO: A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels

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May 22, 2003

A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels

Posted by Frank J. at 06:04 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (51)

Everyone has heard of the Homeland Security Advisory System by now and its rainbow of colors, but most are confused of exactly what it means to them about how they should act and live when it is at its different levels of alert. That's why I've decided to create this guide make things clearer to the people.

First, here is what the alert levels mean in general:
*Green (Low): All evil had been destroyed. The world is now a peaceful utopia.
*Blue (Guarded): There's still the occasional pickpocket, so show a little caution.
*Yellow (Elevated): Terror lurks in the shadows; be wary.
*Orange (High): The terrorists are out there and they are coming for YOU!
*Red (Severe): The world is exploding around you. The only law is your own gun.

To be more specific, here is how you should you act in different situations based on the alert levels.

How should I store my firearms?
*Green: Throw them in the fire. There is no more need for weapons.
*Blue: Wrap them in some rags and store them in the attic somewhere in case you need them one day.
*Yellow: Keep both your guns and ammo readily accessible.
*Orange: Load your gun and carry it on you at all times, even around the house.
*Red: The gun should be in your hand, pointed in front of you with your finger resting on the trigger.

I see a stranger outside.
*Green: Maybe he could give your kids a ride to school.
*Blue: He might be lost; ask him what he's doing here.
*Yellow: Stay in your house and avoid him. Strangers bad.
*Orange: Run outside and pistol-whip him while questioning his involvement with terrorism.
*Red: Kill him; no questions asked.

I hear a noise at night.
*Green: That's just the house settling; go back to sleep.
*Blue: Probably nothing, but you better check it out.
*Yellow: Grab your gun and call 911.
*Orange: No time for police; run through your house shooting anything that moves.
*Red: Initiate the house's auto-destruct sequence; leap out window.

You see a hippy.
*Green: Punch him.
*Blue: Kick him.
*Yellow: Punch him then kick him.
*Orange: Punch him then kick him and then stomp on him.
*Red: Strangle him.

You receive a strange envelope in the mail with no return address.
*Green: Rip it open; who knows what fun lies inside!
*Blue: Open it carefully just in case.
*Yellow: Don't touch it and call the police.
*Orange: Can't wait for the authorities; toss it out the window and then unload a gun into it.
*Red: For the love of God, immediately flee from the envelope. Hunt down and kill the mailman.

You see some movement in a nearby tree.
*Green: It's probably a squirrel. Hello squirrel.
*Blue: Better check out what it is to be on the safe side.
*Yellow: Might be the escaped monkey from the zoo. Better contact the authorities.
*Orange: It's a ninja! Fire indiscriminately into the treetops.
*Red: Set fire to the tree and all trees around it. No safe haven for ninjas!

You see a strange van parked nearby.
*Green: It must be an ice cream truck. Let's get ice cream.
*Blue: Check to make sure it's legally parked.
*Yellow: Better call the FBI to check this one out.
*Orange: Politely knock on the van door. Kill everyone inside.
*Red: Shoot the van with a rocket propelled grenade. Kill anyone who protests; they're terrorists too.

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.
*Green: Kill him.
*Blue: Kill him.
*Yellow: Kill him.
*Orange: Kill him.
*Red: Kill him and burn his body.

You see a stray dog.
*Green: Go pet the cute little puppy.
*Blue: Better check if he has a dog tag so you can get him back to his owner.
*Yellow: Call animal control.
*Orange: It's some sort of terrorist trick. Shoot the dog with a sniper rifle.
*Red: Destroy the dog with a thermite charge and then kill all witnesses.

I hope that cleared things up on the alert levels. Remember, terrorism can only be stopped by your vigilance and your actions.

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51 Responses To "A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels"

Everyone should print out a copy of this and keep it handy - I see a big future for you at Homeland Security HQ big guy!

#1 - Posted by: Wind Rider on May 22, 2003 06:59 AM

Good sensable advice. Take no prisnors and leave no witnesses.

#2 - Posted by: Chris on May 22, 2003 08:15 AM

I hate to be nitpicky, but this is inconsistent:

First, here is what the alert levels mean in general:
*Green (Low): All evil had been destroyed. The world is now a peaceful utopia.

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.
*Green: Kill him.

If you're in Green Alert status, how can there be Communists? All evil has been destroyed!

#3 - Posted by: Pogue on May 22, 2003 08:28 AM

Not all communists are necessarily evil... it could just be stupid...

#4 - Posted by: Shalegrey on May 22, 2003 08:47 AM

The trick is to kill the stupid ones before they metastasize.

#5 - Posted by: Jeff Medcalf on May 22, 2003 09:32 AM

Hey, nothing wrong with communists, just the countries they run. Poor communists. No power= happy commies.

#6 - Posted by: Cassidy on May 22, 2003 09:36 AM

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.
*Green: Kill him.
*Blue: Kill him.
*Yellow: Kill him.
*Orange: Kill him.
*Red: Kill him and burn his body.

great work frank! perhaps you could photoshop your own version of the terror alert levels...

#7 - Posted by: Chris Thomas on May 22, 2003 09:41 AM

Why's everybody so focused on the Commies? Yeah they're annoying and need to be destroyed, but I find this guide much more relevant in dealing with hippies!! All hippies must pay with their lives. I would say live and souls, but we all know hippies have no souls. And no soap either, for that matter......

#8 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on May 22, 2003 09:47 AM

At least a commie has a sort of belief system... who knows what hippies believe in? I've never been able to figure it out.

#9 - Posted by: Poosh on May 22, 2003 10:11 AM

Hippies would believe in something except that they burnt out their brains by burning stange vegetable matter and inhaling the fumes and by taking mass amounts of strange drugs known by various combinations of initials.
They never get over it, if they stop taking drugs they would become communists but they can never be organised enough, so they become anarchists and spend their lives destroying cities where the WTO have their meetings.
Anarchists, no matter what the alert color of the day, should be killed because they're a pain in the kazoo and disrupt traffic.

#10 - Posted by: Peter on May 22, 2003 10:56 AM

Commies are pure evil. Hippies may stink, but at least they don't have any government. They haven't ruined any countries. Well, they have ruined the state of California, but no entire countries.

#11 - Posted by: Adela on May 22, 2003 12:01 PM

ha ha ha hippies and commmies. thats great, your my hero

#12 - Posted by: Joey D on May 22, 2003 12:28 PM

Big inconsistency here....

You see a hippy.
*Green: Punch him.
*Blue: Kick him.
*Yellow: Punch him then kick him.
*Orange: Punch him then kick him and then stomp on him.
*Red: Strangle him.

And

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.
*Green: Kill him.
*Blue: Kill him.
*Yellow: Kill him.
*Orange: Kill him.
*Red: Kill him and burn his body.

Don't you realize that hippies are commies that have forgotten how to use soap and performed chemical lobotomies onthemselves?

#13 - Posted by: Mythilt on May 22, 2003 01:12 PM

Simple solution for the Hippy/Commie conundrum:

You see a Hippy/Commie.
*Green: Punch him until he's dead.
*Blue: Kick him until he's dead.
*Yellow: Punch him then kick him until he's dead.
*Orange: Punch him then kick him and then stomp on him until he's dead
*Red: Strangle him (while screaming "Rarr!" as loud as possible) until he's dead and then burn his body.

See? Easy fix.

#14 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on May 22, 2003 02:19 PM

"At least a commie has a sort of belief system... who knows what hippies believe in? I've never been able to figure it out."

Anything the commies tell them to.

#15 - Posted by: Shpoo on May 22, 2003 03:02 PM

Now you have me worried about ninjas.

#16 - Posted by: Willie on May 22, 2003 03:17 PM

What about ninja-trained monkeys riding stray dogs? Wouldn't you have to be a drug-crazed hippie to even SEE one?

#17 - Posted by: Hodadenon on May 22, 2003 03:33 PM

You realize the person you are talking to is a Communist.

*Green: Kill him.
*Blue: Kill him.
*Yellow: Kill him.
*Orange: Kill him.
*Red: Kill him and burn his body.

This compassionate conservativism is going to be the death of the country.

#18 - Posted by: aelfheld on May 22, 2003 04:00 PM

"You hear a noise outside...
Red: Initiate the house's auto-destruct sequence; leap out window"

bwahahahah!!!

"Who knows what fun lies inside" and "Hello squirrel" got me "LOL"ing, too! I'm gonna carry this in my wallet for quick reference.

#19 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on May 22, 2003 06:12 PM

How about we change "communist" to "stupid"?

#20 - Posted by: Shorty on May 22, 2003 06:25 PM

communists *are* stupid.

#21 - Posted by: rt on May 22, 2003 07:10 PM

What about pirates?

#22 - Posted by: Crazy Jim on May 22, 2003 07:27 PM

The Ninjas usually get the pirates. Didn't you read about Ninjacracy?

#23 - Posted by: Blu3 Inf3rn0 on May 22, 2003 10:08 PM

I don't have TrackBack Frank J., (not powered by MT), but I linked your handy helpful tips to my site anyway.

I feel SO much better now that I know precisely what to do!

Thank you Frank J. You have done a fabulous public service.

#24 - Posted by: serenity on May 22, 2003 10:14 PM

Hey, this girl I've started seeing is kind of a hippy. She loves America and supports our military, but she doesn't like hunting and drilling for oil. She's fine too though, blonde w/ blue eyes!! What do I do. Maybe just slap her instead of a swift kick?? Or should I be true to my aggressive instincts?

#25 - Posted by: Nick on May 22, 2003 10:25 PM

Sir, i find that you might be pro-hippie, some men will be visiting you shortly, they like coffee.

#26 - Posted by: MarsKitten on May 22, 2003 10:43 PM

> Crazy Jim - What about pirates?

Jim, No one is afraid of Pirates. A big poofy shirt and a head scarf are not in the same league as black pajamas and kung fu moves.

#27 - Posted by: Big Lou from Brooklyn on May 22, 2003 11:11 PM

Mars Kitten: I love the response!! How should I treat these men? I don't drink coffee.

#28 - Posted by: Nick on May 23, 2003 02:36 AM

Nick, your question might be great for Frank Answers. If she's hot, just try to slowly move her mind in a less hippy direction.

#29 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 23, 2003 07:26 AM

OK guys help me out here.....if commies and hippies are poor, stupid,unorganized and have burned out brains why are we so threatened by them? Shouldn't we just give them some coloring books, a few crayons and some fruitjuice kiss them on the forehead and let them count stars? If they pose such a threat what does that say about us? Oh yeah....now I remember....it's all just a joke. Nevermind
Carla

#30 - Posted by: Carla on May 23, 2003 03:51 PM

I'm not threatened by hippies; I just like punching them. I kill Communists out of principle.

#31 - Posted by: Frank J. on May 23, 2003 04:20 PM

One of the funniest things written yet.

#32 - Posted by: addison on May 23, 2003 06:42 PM

You know, I seem to recall trying some of those alphabet-soup labeled chemicals back in my less responsible days, but I do remember they made me want strangle hippies (but then again, so do pancakes) Go figure.

#33 - Posted by: Akula on May 24, 2003 02:12 AM

this is one of the most gawddamned funny things I've ever seen.

By the way, your alerts have one flaw... per the right-wing thought process, all hippies ARE communists, and must be dealt with as such.

#34 - Posted by: blunted on May 24, 2003 08:21 AM

Poosh,
Same for nazis. "Say what you will about the tenents of national socialism, at least its an ethos."

The Big Labowski
=-)

#35 - Posted by: zmorgz on May 24, 2003 10:45 AM

Stinki,
Killing dogs is evil! Lady would be so disappointed in you - God rest her.

Love,

#36 - Posted by: Sarah on May 25, 2003 04:20 AM

My Granddad used to kill dogs who wandered on his property. My aunt used to whine when he missed. I have no sympathy for your dog-loving silliness, Sarah.
Also, hippies and communists aren't the same thing. Hippies stink more.

#37 - Posted by: Kelsey on May 25, 2003 04:18 PM

I hate commies the most but hippies are a close 2nd, although in an area where i live there are so freaken many hippies! Its scary, heck they went on for months about not wanting a Starbucks in the area (it was put in anyways and about 1/2 the hippies get coffiee there but hippies are poor so they must be commies because commies have a little bit of money, but not much) and they took over a private lot because they were thinking about putting in a gas station and turned it into a hippy park, freaky! Somone finally destroyed it and put a fence around it but the hippies are not being dealt with over here......I think its time I formed an anti-hippie paramilitary force to keep them in check before they start to attack the jack in the box I ever so love

#38 - Posted by: Blake! :) on May 25, 2003 11:31 PM

hardy hare har..
I saw a guy the other day wearing a shirt that sed.. "Make war.. not peace!" I was laughing so hard.. he was so stoopid that he thought I was laughing with him..

Escape the Gene Pools my friends...

http://phenomenon.org

#39 - Posted by: ribbit on June 3, 2003 04:01 PM

ur all forgeting that if there were no hippies or commies the world woulnt be strait. NO ONE can live without the occasional throw the knife at a hippe or setting a commie on fire. now would it

#40 - Posted by: Dmalicious on August 10, 2003 03:24 PM

Sorry 'bout that last post, I'm just a hippie who needs to be killed...

jump in pools in jeans my friends...

#41 - Posted by: ribbit on September 17, 2003 08:56 PM

"hear a noise at night.
*Green: That's just the house settling; go back to sleep.
*Blue: Probably nothing, but you better check it out.
*Yellow: Grab your gun and call 911.
*Orange: No time for police; run through your house shooting anything that moves.
*Red: Initiate the house's auto-destruct sequence; leap out window."

ROFLMFAO! I ALMOSR PUKED ON MYSELF WITH THAT ONE!

#42 - Posted by: UZI4U on September 24, 2003 11:28 PM

ROFLMFAO! I ALMOST PUKED ON MYSELF WITH THAT ONE!

#43 - Posted by: UZI4U on September 24, 2003 11:28 PM

I'm very happy to say that, due to the fact that I wasn't lucky enough to be born in America, I got to kill communists in my younger days. That was good. I didn't like the part where they shot back though.

#44 - Posted by: Fred on November 22, 2003 08:04 PM

All of you are wrong. You should shoot anybody that looks stoned, Arab, Russian-and-"downtrodden", and also people that have had botox. No matter the alert level, this is your response. Down with the mullahs!

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