White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer was less forthcoming than usual in his latest press conference.

"What is the White House's opinion on the Palestinian prime minister?"

"Wow, the Palestinians have a prime minister now?" Ari exclaimed.

"Yeah, don't you know that?"

"Know what, I think I remember Jon Stewart mentioning it on the Daily Show."

"Well aren't you privy to special information in the White House meetings?"

"Yeah, but I haven't been to one in a while; I'm trying to use up all my sick days before I leave in July."

"So why are you holding this press conference?" demanded one reporter.

"I'm not holding a press conference," Ari said indignantly, "I just sat down to read the latest issue of Maxim and then you guys gathered around me."

"Well, do you have any comment on how American forces have not found any WMD's?"

"We did find some!" Ari shot back, laying down his Maxim and standing up. He held out a vial of green liquid. "Here is the chemical agent XL-6 we just got back from the Iraq. If quickly becomes airborne, causing a painful death by..." Ari accidentally dropped the vial, shattering it. "Oh my God!" he exclaimed, covering his mouth, "We're all going to die!"

The reporters look terrified, but Ari started laughing. "It was filled with Mountain Dew. I've been playing that gag on people all day." He sat back down and started reading his magazine again.

"I have a question," said the Fox News Reporter, "I just did an expose on how many different countries there are and how the number of foreign nations is a threat to our national security. Is the White House doing anything to reduce the number of other countries?"

"Is this you?" Ari asked, holding open his magazine to a picture of a woman in lingerie.

"No!" the Fox News reporter answered angrily. She then looked more carefully at the picture. "Oh, wait, yes it is... but you still have to answer my question."

"I have don't have to do anything," Ari asserted.

"You said you had measles!" yelled one voice from the crowd. Ari turned to see it was President Bush.

"So, I lied; what are you going to do about it," Ari challenged.

"Uh..." Bush thought for a moment. "I'll have you executed for treason!"

"Whatever," Ari said dismissively as he went back to reading his magazine.

"Why do you want to kill Iraqi children?" Helen Thomas asked Bush.

"Because they smell!" Bush sprinkled salt on her. "Why won't you finish shriveling up?"

"Ahh! A voodoo hex!" Helen exclaimed, running away.

"Why haven't you found any WMD's?" one reported asked Bush.

"We have plenty of WMD's," Bush answered, "Hell, we have enough nukes to kill everyone on earth."

"I meant found WMD's in Iraq," the reporter clarified.

"Oh... why would need to find WMD's there?" Bush asked, "We just went there to steal their oil." He saw Ari shaking his head. "Uh... I got confused. We're currently preparing a military strike against North Korea for the oil stealing."

"You're going to attack North Korea?" one reported said with surprise.

"Uh... why? Is that a good or a bad thing?" Bush asked, getting nervous. All the reporters now crowded around him and shouted questions at him. "Damn you, Ari!" Bush exclaimed, "That's why you're supposed to do all the talking!"

"Sick with measles," Ari answered, flipping through his magazine.

Bush spied some man jogging down the street near them. "Uh... that guy over there is the replacement," Bush said, pointing at him, "Ask him the questions."

The press swarmed the surprised man while Bush made a quick escape into a nearby manhole.

"Going to miss this job," Ari sighed.

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In My World
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