Virginia from Virginia writes:
A question has been bugging me for a long time now: Is there more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes?

The best way to answer this is by the scientific method. I took a bucket of small potatoes and a bucket of large potatoes and filled them with water. Whichever took less water to fill would have less empty space and more potato. Unfortunately, the potatoes floated. To keep them from floating, I decided a good idea would be to fill them with lead shot. The most efficient way of delivering lead shot to them seemed to be to shoot them with a shotgun.

Anyway, all my potatoes were destroyed, so I had to find another way to get the answer. I decided to call my parents since they live in Idaho and most know all sorts of things about potatoes. My Mom answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Frankie-boy!"

"Who?"

"Your son."

"Joe?"

"No, your other son."

"Other son?"

"You know, who lives in Florida."

"Oh... you. What do you want?"

"I wanted to know whether there is more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes."

"Now I remember you; you're kind of an idiot. It's the bucket of small potatoes. Being smaller, they fit in more compactly."

"Great. So, do you think I could come home for Christmas this year?"

"Sorry, no room for you this year. Maybe next year."

"Aww. Well, anyway, I just wanted to say... you still there?"

So there's the answer: it's the bucket of small potatoes.

Shawn from Roselle, IL writes:
When I read about the recent outbreak of monkey pox in the Midwest, I instantly suspected you were involved. My question is, is this some sort of genetically engineered virus that you created to destroy monkeys that somehow got out of control and is now infecting humans? Or is it a genetically engineered virus that the monkeys created to destroy you, and they just don't care how many of the rest of us they take down too?

I am not specifically involved with the monkey pox outbreak. For one thing, I never resort to chemical or biological weapons; I just like plain 'ole shoot'n when I want something dead.

My theory is that it was created by the monkeys - like many other viruses such as Ebola - to wipe out humanity and thus bring on the "Planet of the Apes" scenario. They decided to first test it on prairie dogs, though, before using it for a full attack.

Do I recommend that we hunt down and kill all monkeys as a result? Yes I do. Of course, I've been recommending that action for some time now.

Bill Cimino from Virginia Beach, VA asks:
Do you hate it when people say "frankly"?

Frankly, Cimino, I don't give a damn.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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Frank Answers
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