Jack from Missouri asks:
How many virgins could I get for insulting an Israeli or just annoying one?

This seems like a question for my local blind cleric. So I sought out the cleric and asked, "Do you get virgins in heaven for just annoying or insulting Israelis?"

And he replied, "Kill the Jews!"

"That doesn't really answer my question..."

"Jews!!! Kill!!!"

I knew this wasn't going anywhere, so I snatched a pebble from his hand and ran away.

Next I decided to consult Allah himself. Susprisingly, he was available for questions. "So, Allah, do you get any virgins in heaven for just calling an Israelis a 'doody-head'?"

"That is a great question, my son," Allah replied, "To know the answer you must... kill the Jews!!!"

"What?"

"Kill!!! Jews!!!"

"Hey! You're not Allah! You're Satan!"

"Yeah, you got me," Satan admitted.

"I can't believe you; trying to trick people into killing Jews!"

"Yeah, but you were too smart for it," Satan said, "Why, I bet you are so smart, you could kill way more Jews than those silly Muslims."

"Well, yes, I am quite smart... Hey! Now you're trying to appeal to my vanity to get me to kill the Jews! You get out of here you mean bad Satan man!"

So, in conclusion, I'd say if you want virgins, I wouldn't mess around with those Israelis. They have uzis.

George S. from Austin, TX asks:
What's this Middle East Cycle of Violence I keep hearing about? Is it Lance Armstrong's new bike that he'll be riding in the Tour de France?

Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a cycle of violence. One that could launch missiles at the other kids and had bladed spokes to take out the wheels of other cycles.

The Middle East Cycle of Violence is that dream come true: a ten speed bicycle loaded with weaponry (and reflectors to keep you safe when riding in the dark). It's the first truly original product to come out of the Middle East, and will hopefully finally give them an economy not reliant solely on oil and hating the Jews.

Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
I took your advice and unleashed Kung Fu on the ninja as you instructed. It was tough at first because life is tough, but, in the space of two hours, I beat his ass into ground. He fled. I thought that was the end of it and contemplated donating some money to you for giving such great advice and helping me face my ninja, BUT, when I looked out the window the next day, there was a squad of ninjas in the garden, messing up the flowers and throwing ninja stars at my window. Apparently if you beat up a ninja he gets his older brothers and cousins onto you... YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE!

First off, IMAO and all it's subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for the consequences of following the advice given on this site.

That said, here is some more advice. Yes, defeating one ninja may not be enough to stop the problem, but if you go out and defeat all of them, then they will finally leave you alone. Don't be too worried; the ninjas' usual tactics are to circle around you and then attack you only one or two at a time.

Also, to keep ninjas out of your flowers, there are some sprays you can use. You can't always get them at the supermarket, but ACE Hardware or Home Depot should have some.

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Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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