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June 14, 2003
Filthy Lies: Andrew Sullivan
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (4)

It's Saturday, which means it's time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.

"Hey! Look at me! I'm Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!"

That's the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn't donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it's even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:

So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn't see any women. "This isn't a gay party, is it?" I inquired hesitantly.

"Might as well be," said one man angrily, "Andrew Sullivan is here."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I shot back, surprised by what I thought was his homophobia.

The guy then led me to another room where there was Andrew Sullivan, getting it on with every woman at the party! He was making crass moves on all the ladies, drinking domestic beer, and getting in fights with any man who approached him. The guy was a total, flaming hetero!

"Hey, Andrew Sullivan, I thought you were supposed to be gay," I said to him.

"Nah!" he answered, slapping a nearby woman on the ass, "That's just shtick I made up to get hired by the Times. Now go get me another beer, bitch."

He then shook his fist at me threateningly, so I got him his beer. Everyone then tried to enjoy the party, but Andrew Sullivan was just a little too much. He kept acting all macho and tried to make out with every woman there to the point that it became too distracting. Finally, I got the courage to go and talk to him.

"Now, Andrew Sullivan, I like sex with women just as much as the next guy, but you have to turn your heterosexuality down a notch. Everyone is staring at you."

"You want a fight with me, pussy?" Andrew Sullivan yelled.

"You see! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" I shot back, "It's that kind of behavior that gives us heterosexuals a bad name."

He then hit me with a beer bottle.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Come on - a conservative homosexual? That just doesn't make any sense. Why would a homosexual want low taxes, gun rights, and a strong foreign policy? That's just silly.

Now here's poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:

Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that's just Eminem. I think it's good enough evidence, though.

So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times... no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!

That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.

Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.

UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.

Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.1/5 (26 votes cast)

Filthy Lies
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