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June 19, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Monkey Pox
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (26)

I've had a lot of requests to have a post on monkey pox, but I had avoided it until now because monkeys scare me. Finally, though, I've set my crack research staff on the topic and here is what we came up with:

FUN FACTS ABOUT MONKEY POX

* Monkey pox was either developed by evil monkey scientists or by God because of our sins. If someone sinned, please fess up.

* Poxes are all named after the animal that made them to try and overthrow humanity. Chicken pox was made in the long long ago by chickens in a failed attempt to destroy mankind, and later cows did the same thing, making cow pox, which ended up being a vaccine for the ancient and evil small pox, made by leprechauns to keep us from getting their pot of gold.

* Monkey pox is spread by prairie dogs, which are not actually dogs (or prairies) but instead are evil, stinky rodents who sold their soul to their monkey masters.

* If a monkey comes up to and offers to inject you with something he swears is not pox, don't let him. It probably is pox.

* Monkey pox is rarely fatal, but, while it has not been proven that it allows monkeys to control the victim's mind (or even hypothesized), it has not been disproven either. Do not trust anyone who is itchy.

* If you have monkey pox, no matter how tempting it is, don't eat a banana; that will just inflame it. Instead eat things a monkey wouldn't like such as chalk and suntan lotion.

* The symptoms of monkey pox are fever and itchy rashes. It's not much fun, but, if you're young, I'd say it's worth it to skip a couple days of school.

* Doctors say don't scratch the rashes as that will just make them worse. Know what; doctors say lots of damn things. Scratch those damn rashes; screw the doctors.

* If you seen prairie dogs, kill them and burn their bodies. Do not get them mixed up with Chihuahuas, though, or you will probably make someone mad.

* Monkey pox is a virus. A virus is an entity (not technically classified as a living organism - much like a monkey) that uses one of your own cells to reproduce itself. That's just mean. You work long and hard making those cells, and they shouldn't just be stolen like that.

* In a fight between Aquaman and monkey pox, monkey pox would probably win unless Aquaman had been taking a lot of vitamin C lately.

* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to monkey pox. When wearing one, you can lick all the prairie dogs you want without fear.

* The best cure for monkey pox is to eat monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ha, and you thought that was all fiction. You are so foolish I should rip your heart out of your chest.

Rating: 3.0/5 (35 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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