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June 19, 2003
A Day with My Shirt
Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (13)

Well, I just spent a full day wearing my Nuke the Moon shirt, and what a day it was! First off I was late to work, so I was speeding 90 mph down a 25 mph limit road. Unfortunately, a cop pulled me over. He looked real mad, but, as soon as he saw me and my shirt, he said, "I was going to give you ticket for speeding, but we only have those limits because most people arenít skilled enough to control a car on these roads at higher speeds. I bet you know what you were doing, though, so continue on your way."

And I was like, "Thanks, pig!"

He chuckled. "Normally, if someone called me a pig, I'd pull him out of his car and beat him savagely, but, from you, it's charming."

When I got to work and tried to head to my office, the ladies were all over me and I was like, "Hey, I need to get some work done; there's time for that later." So that part of the day was the same as normal, but, when I got to my office, my boss saw me and said, "For some reason I suddenly just realized we aren't paying you enough. I'm going to look into fixing that."

"Thanks, boss," I said, "So what do you want me to do today?"

"Know what, you're so exceptionally smart, I just feel silly telling you what to do; you should probably be telling me what to do."

"Okay. Go get me a soda, bitch."

"Yes sir!"

I think the shirt actually improved my intelligence, as I was easily able to solve all my engineering problems, and then everyone else's. By the end of the day, I had won my company's cherished "Actually Competent" award.

After arriving home from work, I decided to take a nice stroll. It took me near a stream where I was suddenly attacked by a Florida gator. Fortunately, his teeth were unable to get through the high quality, preshrunk cotton of my t-shirt (nor was he able to damage the awesome print job). I then grabbed the gator by the tail, and, using the super-strength my shirt imbued in me, I swung him around and around, eventually flinging him hundreds of yards in the air where he landed in some store where they sell stuff made out of hemp. The gator then proceeded to bite numerous hippies.

Quite satisfied, I began to head home, but then I was swarmed by a number of angry monkeys who had escaped from a lab. I was worried, but, as soon as the monkeys caught sight of my t-shirt, they all dropped dead from fear. That's right, the Nuke the Moon t-shirt kills monkeys on sight. Just wear one and go to the monkey house of your local zoo to see for yourself.

I was about home when I suddenly saw none other than Jesus Himself. "Hey, Frank," He said, "We don't normally do this, but for some reason we just decided to tell you today that it's a done deal and youíre getting into Heaven... and not just the regular part, but the really nice part of Heaven we usually save for just popes and star athletes."

"Wow, thanks, G. So does this mean I'm certain to get into Heaven even if I were to go and have lots of pre-marital sex, steal stuff, and go on a killing spree."

"Well, when We make a decision, it is final," Jesus said, "but it's not like you're going to go do all those things."

"Uh... yeah... I would never do those things."

So I said bye to Jesus and just now sat down to tell you all about my day. Wow, what a great t-shirt! And, at the price we're selling it at, you'd have to be criminally insane not to buy one! I mean, you'd have to be like "I voted for Clinton twice" moronic to pass up this deal.

So be like Frank, and get a Nuke the Moon shirt today!

Anyway, hopefully I'll get pictures of me wearing it this weekend, and then the Peace Gallery will start next week.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

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