Frank, there are many, many of us out there with college educations, ambition AND the desire to do the best thing for our children. I graduated from Notre Dame, and even as a student there, I knew that one day when I had children I would put everything on hold in order to be home with them. For me, this is the greatest ambition, to provide a stable, loving home for my husband and our children. One day, when the children are grown, I will once again have time to do what I want to do. Until then, they will come first.

Here's a serious answer. It was the divorce rate that sent the Donna Reeds away. Bright women don't want to take a gamble that they'll be impoverished if their marriage is one of the 50% that don't last.
My career was one that honest men don't make large incomes. Until the day I retired I worked the graveyard shift, Momma worked days. She got the kids off to school, I was there when they got home. We made the adjustment.
You are in a somewhat more lucrative field than law enforcement, your adjustments will be different but you must make them.
You don't want to marry a women who isn't bright enough for college, you'll have nothing to talk about and, believe me, over a lifetime talking will be much more important than sex, no matter how good the sex. Especially after that first kid...'Daddy, what are you and Momma doing?' After the first it's difficult to arrange time for the second.
Maripat's attitude isn't unique, many women will gain the skills and experience for a career and then put it on hold when the kids come. With all the home-based businesses and the increased ability to work from home, plus the possibility of part time jobs while kids are in school it's no longer neccessary for a mother to completely give up working. My daughter runs a little day care out of her house, her entire clientel is people she worked with or who go to her church or who work with her husband. Works for them.
How children will be raised is an important discussion and should be brought up early in a relationship. We don't marry everybody we date but we marry somebody we've been dating. It's a Bad Idea to date those who there's no possibility of marrying. There's only so much time and if one is tied up dating the wrong person when the right one comes along, well, there's a technical term, you're screwed.
Geez, look at this, I'm old.

No, it does not make you a cave-man. Quite frankly, I'd love to be a housewife for a moment cause I'm tired! (all those who stay at home, don't get upset, it's a joke.)

Unfortunately for you, I'm too old for you.

As for women not having ambitions, that's not a paradox. It's hard to respect anyone who doesn't have ambitions/goals.

And yah, you do need some decorating tips.

Well, you are a caveman, but not because of this. Have compassion for the little monkeys!

This is, of course, (one of the many areas) where the feminists have gone silly. They seem to have lost the distinction between "ability to choose not to be a housewife" and "inability to choose to be a housewife", as I'm sure you're well aware. It hasn't stuck, universally. even here in the heart of darkness (San Francisco) there are more than a few women who are housewives, would like to be, or are open to, if not 100% excited, about the idea. I'm not one of these women, actually (I have no kids and like it that way), but they do most certainly exist, and desiring to marry one most certainly does not make you an evil troglodyte.

But do yourself a favor and ask her her opinion about what should be done to the moon *before* you get married, eh? If she's one of those moon-loving hippies, it won't work out.

take what laura says about asking about the moon seriously. I just asked my wife what she thought about the moon and monkeys, after a seemingly long awkward silence, she said she thought they were, get this, "nice." I never would've known.

ah Frank, I guess I am neaderthal also..I want to have a job that pays me enough to support my family without my better half having to work. God made no better creation to mold,enlighten,love,nurture, all that stuff, than mom being at home with the young'uns. Guys can do it too, but women just have that extra special node in their brain that men don't. You're on the right track here, and maybe the ladies can back me up on this next hypothesis: a man with a good sense of humor is invaluable in being a great companion and dad. And you got that part already Frank.
ps- why this subject today? Someone 'special' caught your fancy or just adding a little intellectualness ( is that a word?) to the page?

Paul,
Could be a bit of both :)

Hey Frank-

Make a deal with the wife to be that when the family is on the way that she will stay home for the first 10 to 12 years. That's what we did and the children (21 year old Marine 19 year old twins in college) aren't too screwed up.

But the monkeys and the moon questions are more important. The belief system must bee the same.

BTW, I'm not a blogger, I just like reading 'em. Is that okay with you and your other blogger friends. (You all crack me up! )

Of course! All are invited to read. I especially like people who don't blog because then they aren't competition :)

I was never blessed with a husband and children, but back when I thought I'd get merried one day, I'd always hoped to be able to stay home with my kids. I know that it isn't always financially possible, but if it is, my children would be the most important aspect of my life.

I don't think it's wrong for a guy to want his wife to be at home with the kids. Maybe that makes me a cavewoman!

That would be "married"

Preview is our friend!

Frank, stop kvetching over this. You're a nice boy, well grounded, and smart. It defies the laws of common sense to imagine you being attracted to a woman who does not want hearth and home.

Most important, your sense of humor will keep things level and sane.

Remember to laugh at HER jokes once in awhile.

ALWAYS take out the garbage.

Think of your failure as a decorator as confirmation of your manhood. Focus on keeping the monkeys at bay, and let Mrs. Frank pick the paint.

My response is more about your definition of "ambition"...I think it is very ambitious to want to have kids and raise them. Babysitting my devil-niece and devil-nephew is one of the more challenging things I do on a regular basis. It challenges my patience, organization, and knees (YOU run and crawl around with two people under age 3 and you won't need a traditional workout). You find reserves of patience, energy, and love you never knew you had. Besides that, can't the future wife have ambitions that don't necessarily make a lot of money? Ambition and a paycheck aren't the same things.

Hope that response was somewhat lucid...I am sleep-deprived and it is hard to tell. :-)

Frank, you're not a caveman, you're just honest. And I think that a lot of smart women out there would love the opportunity to stay at home with their kids, but the culture we live in has been telling women for the last 20 years that if you *want* to be a housewife, you're weak, you're lazy, you're copping out somehow. I call BS on that, and right quick.

You obviously haven't ever heard of ME, either - I am your personal Beacon of Hope, dude. I am the Hyper-educated Housewife, an amalgam of *everything you want*. I'm taken, but there are LOTS OF US out there.

A brief resume includes a fine, classical education at the University of Georgia, four years in marketing and ad production, four years in IT. When I got married, I worked until my son was born. Now, we make some financial sacrifices, but I stay at home and am DAMN proud to do so. I approach my job at home with the benefit of all my experience; this means our home is well-run, clean, comfortable. Yes, I iron shirts - REALLY WELL. I am a Professional Helpmeet and a Senior Executive Mother.

You'll find one, Frank, despair not. Just make sure you talk about this type of thing *extensively* before you marry.

Caveman? I love cavemen!
But seriously, I would love to be a "housewife" even though I am somewhat intelligent and educated. Just because a woman stays at home doesn't mean she doesn't have ambitions. Her ambition could be to make a better world for her family. That's pretty ambitious to me!

I love reading your blog, Frank, and I hope we get to hear more about this umm...reason for introspection.

Love your blog! Read it every day. Wanting your wife to stay home with the kids is very noble. Remember, though, there is a flip side to that coin. No matter how great, mothers do not raise children all by themselves. The support of a great father/husband is also needed. When you get home, no spending hours in front of the computer or TV unless there is a kid in your lap. Also, your wife just spent her whole day doing "ducky" talk. Be a dear and focus on her needs (mental/emotional) for a bit. And for crying out loud, mow the #!@* lawn or shovel the walk! It takes about six times longer with a two year old in toe, not to mention it's downright dangerous. I guess what I'm trying to say is *help her*. Help with supper. Help with dishes. Help with bedtime. Her job doesn't end at 5, and neither will yours.

Dang! What Val said! :D

OK, Frank.

To keep your opinions from being a double standard, you *will* have to respect a woman staying home to do things *you* are not willing to stay home and do!

You will have to orient yourself to firmly believe that raising children, cooking for you and whatever else, is sufficiently ambitious.

And you will ahve to earn enough to support this entire shband, preferrably in some comfort.

If you can't imagine doing that, then DINC is the way to go.

Frank, if I may be useless once again...
You said, regarding my question of why this subject today ( more intellectualness or ya' found someone.)
Frank and (some girl) sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby with a katana and ninja skills in a baby carriage. I hope this post of yours, in a humerous way ( can't get too personal with the whole internet.) is a reflection of what's really goin' on witchya' now ! You've given me many days of laughter so I guess the least I can do is wish happiness on you !
Now, time permitting, get back to making me blow funky green snot all over my monitor !! Peace.

Frank, do you plan to Nuke the Moon before or after your Honey Moon ?

There are no plans for me getting wed right now. It was just supposed to be an intellectual discussion.

What you are asking is a bit of a paradox, but it can be done. Start trolling for geeks - especially of the software variety.

Then your wife can telecommute part time (even in the wee hours of the morning) or work as a self-employed geek-for-hire.

And, until those years that you have children, you can do the DINC thing, or you or she can sit at home and eat (or blog about) bon-bons all day.

Consider getting your wife a wife, though, if you do the DINC thing. It'll help with that ironing issue.

hln

The ironing board can go in that big empty space where your pool table is not. Just an observation. ;-)

That's a nice place to have an intellectual discussion. I love intellectual discussions, there really not so much often especially speaking of maids....

To answer your question, I think that yes, only a woman with low self-esteem may want to be a housewife, because a wife is not supposed to be a maid, but someone with who to share your life being at home or anywhere else and maybe that the a paradox, but life is made of paradoxes anyway.
A wife cannot be a home keeper and a half servant, with a salary and ambitions, and education and so on, more than a man is or have himself. A woman cannot pass aside of the education of her children. Education does not mean being trained on ironing, education means having love and being able to give love to a child and to his father. At least a child can expect little more from his mother than being a cook master or an expert in ironing. Any women should be experts as men are supposed to be experts in some ways in life. And I think you are a caveman because you hide yourself behind your intellectual discussions with a pinch of humour that I think is not sane.

You are young, you have plenty of time front of you, but be yourself when will be your time to choose a wife because if you let her to choose you, you'll never be your own at home.

I found this advertizzement for you:

COOKING,
IRONING, RAIZING CHILDREN

With little education

And very much transpection

Frank, my mother was a lawyer and worked for years before she had children, and then she stayed home with us. I want to do the same thing when I have kids. It definitely isn't a paradox to want an educated wife who will be a stay at home mom when you have kids. I think that children benefit immensely from having a highly educated and intelligent mother. Love your site! :-)

~Elizabeth

It gets worse, Frank. The women who will start pursuing you are going to have one of two things on their mind - your money or marriage.

And just when you think you're getting old enough to understand, you'll realize that the women you get along with are older, but the ones your body lusts for when you're out are too naive to even consider talking to.

It's looking for a needle in a haystack, no matter what you do.

One excellent piece of advice regarding women.

"Men who do not pursue women inevitably become victims of the women who pursue them."

And for women, the advice is, "Picking up men is about as easy as picking up a stray puppy. It’s the training that’s important."

Good luck. You're going to need it no matter what you do.

I got married at the ripe old age of 19. My husband was 20. We dated our senior year of high school. I didn't go to college, but that doesn't mean that I was not ambitious. I had our first child when I was 21, and our second when I was 24. I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) for 5.5 years until my husband was laid off. I went to work as a receptionist for a year, when my husband was finally able to find a job. We moved to a new town, where I am now attending the local community college. I am now 31, my son is almost 10 and my daughter is 7. I am so glad I was able to stay home w/ my kids, since they have grown up so fast. I'm also now looking for another job as a receptionist because we are buying a house, but I still plan on continuing my college education. I want to get my AA in Early Childhood Education to work as a paraeducator at the schools. I want to work, but I still want to be home for my kids. IMHO, teens need to have their mom's around just as much as toddlers need to. The only difference is that toddlers WANT their mom's around, and teens usually don't. LOL. But I'm considering going on and becoming a teacher. It was nice when we had no kids and we both worked, and I did work part time when my oldest was born. But I wouldn't trad the time I spent home w/ the kids for anything.

Frank,

I think it's very refreshing that you would confront this paradox in your thinking. Most all of what has been said above is very wise.

I would just like to add one more thing. I have a college degree in journalism, with a double minor in English and political science. I worked as a newspaper reporter for ten years before we had two daughters. And I consider all of that great training for the home schooling that I am now doing with them.

To me, rescuing my kids from the horrific public school system here in south Louisiana is much more noble and important than being Mrs. Career Woman. I am so glad to be able to do this, and I am tremendously grateful to my husband for making it possible. We're a team-- one is just as important as the other. And we never forget that.

Best wishes on figuring out what (and who) you want in life.

Frank,

Don't lose hope. We're out there. Actually, in high school and college I was very firm in my resolve to never stay home with kids. I'm not sure when that started changing, but by the time we had kids I was firm in my resolve to raise them myself. Inbetween I got a BA in English Literature, and had a short career in publishing.

Now I raise and educate my kids, and can't think of anything I'd rather be doing. I must admit that I'm not a great housekeeper, though I do cook a great meal.

Find someone you love, and can live with for the rest of your life. Find someone that you just cannot, ever, live without. Then work out the rest.

Ack! The above was posted by me. I have some freaky screen redraw error on my computer, and posted before I meant to.

And so, my final bit of advice to you: please remember that college does not equal educated.

My mom's friend used to have this posted in her kitchen...

"Remember that the woman slaving behind the hot stove has a college degree!"

Well, how about you stay home and take care of the babies after she births them?

And furthermore, how about actually getting out there in the dating world and doing some test runs? Meet girls, TALK TO THEM, talk to tons of them, flirt, have fun, see what they are all about, then after you have dated you will know better what it is you want in a wife, but before you can make the qualification list on what you want out of a wife, you need to decide what it is you want out of a girlfriend.

There are tons of girls out there, I'm sure you can find one with your ideology or at least similar views, but you have to get off your computer and get out there!

That is my advice to you... being the humble blonde bombshell of a babe that I am! from Canada no less!

I'm way behind the band wagon, but I'll give you another college educated woman's opinion. . . I quit my high-paying executive job (higher paying than Stoney's I might add) to become a stay-at-home-STEP-mom and substitute teacher for special needs kids. And I love it. Matter of a fact, I now have more time to pursue indepent studies and do things I'm interested in (like finally writing a novel), instead of just going back and forth to the office and giving my all to a corporation I truly care nothing about. I'm still very independent, goal-oriented and ambitious, and yet I have the honor of being able to be a part-time mom, homemaker, sub and at the same time, I'm more ME than I was as a working woman. Really doesn't get any better, I assure you!

That should be "independent" studies. They forgot to teach me spelling in college. . . .

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