About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!


Buy funniest book ever!





IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits


Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards



 

June 23, 2003
In My World: Attack of the Belgians Part I
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (19)

"There's nothing better than a game of golf, is there, Agent Smith?"

"I wouldn't know, President Bush," Secret Service Agent Smith answered, "I've never played. I just stand here in the sun and watch you. Rather asinine, if you ask me."

"Yep, nothing better than a good game of golf," Bush said as he adjusted his cowboy hat, and then prepared for a swing.

"President Bush!" yelled out a voice.

Startled, Bush screwed up his swing, sending his ball into the brush. "Grrr!" Bush yelled, "Agent Smith, whoever just messed up my shot I want you to inject him in the neck with that stuff that makes it look like he had a heart attack."

"That stuff ain't cheap, sir," Agent Smith reminded him.

"It was I who called out your name," said a sinister figure, "Chief Floopergibble of the Belgian international police force." More men in black uniforms emerged from the brush. "I, under the authority of Belgium, am placing you under arrest for lying about WMD's and having an illegal war with Iraq."

"Well, I guess we'll have to go peacefully," Bush said, dropping his golf club, "Wouldn't make much sense to - KILL THEM!" Bush drew his peacemaker while Agent Smith drew his Beretta and they both started firing at the Belgians.

Nothing happened.

"What's the matter?" Bush asked desperately.

"Apparently they're too irrelevant," Agent Smith answered, "Our bullets are going right through them in search of more substantive targets."

"Dammit! Always when Iím finally making par."

The Belgians closed in on them while laughing their evil Belginian laugh.

* * * *

"The president has been captured by Belgians," Agent Smith announced.

"What!" Condoleezza Rice exclaimed, "You lose him two more times and you get a demerit!"

"Good," Rumsfeld said, "I think things will run smoother without him. Now let's there are a lot of terrorists out there who aren't getting any less terroristy..."

"We need to rescue the president," Rice insisted. She turned on the satellite connection to Dick Cheney. "The president has been captured by Belgians," Rice told him, "I think that means you're in charge."

"Good," Cheney answered, shivering, "Then I order all resources to be used to find me. I'm on some mountain top and found shelter in a cave."

"Do you know which mountain?"

"No. But find me quickly," Cheney said desperately, "I think I saw a snowman. I didn't get a good enough look, but he may have been abominable. And I'm running out of ammo for my .357. So forget about the president and find me. I want..."

Chomps knocked the TV set down and tore it apart with his teeth. "He never liked Cheney," Rumsfeld commented.

"He never likes anyone," Rice said.

"If you want my opinion," Rumsfeld said, "and you'll be getting it whether you do or not - this is all some plot from the Belgians to get nuked. And, frankly, I think their plan is going to work." He looked to the map on the wall. "So where are the?."

"That's the problem," Rice said, "Belgium is so irrelevantly, that mapmakers stopped including it long ago."

Chomps jumped up and grabbed the map and then tore it to pieces. "Yeah, destroy that useless map," Rumsfeld laughed.

"I have some intelligence that may help," Clancy told Rice. "We set up a number of surveillance devices on the Belgian embassy. At first, we thought they were speaking in some code language. Ended up, we were actually spying on the Swedes. That's when we went to plan B. We spotted a Belgian diplomat visiting the U.N., and then had one of our agents kick him the nuts, grab his briefcase, and run away. A simple but effective method." Clancy set a briefcase down on the table. "According to the documents inside, Bush is being held in the flying fortress of the tyrannical ruler of Belgium, Belgazor. They plan to put him on trial believing they have the authority to bring charges against anyone in the world."

"Those arrogant bastards!" Rumsfeld shouted, "Only America has that authority. We must kill them all!"

Chomps barked in approval and then tore out a section of a nearby wall.

"We'll need to send someone in to rescue the president," Rice said.

"I know who," Rumsfeld repliedd, picking up a phone. "Buck, do you want to kill some Belgians?"

There was a contemplative pause on the other end. "Sure," Buck the Marine finally answered, "They sound pretty foreign."

* * * *

"Captured by Belgians," Bush grumbled to himself, "This is almost as bad as when Carter was attacked by a rabbit."

"Things could be worse, chap," said a familiar voice, "At least we have plenty of chocolate and waffles to eat."

Bush looked to the other cell. "It's my gay friend Tony!" he exclaimed.

"Nice to see you, too," Tony Blair answered.

"So what did they arrest you for?"

"Said that I made a wide right turn," Blair answered, "So they kidnapped me and took me here."

"Should have been more careful driving," said an ominous voice. There stood Belgazor, the evil, bloated ruler of Belgium, a giant crown upon his head. "Now we will dispense justice upon you."

Bush noticed that Belgazor had his cowboy hat in hand. "You give me my hat back or I'll murder you dead!" Bush yelled as he tried to reach for Belgazor's throat through the bars.

"I'd worry more about your trial," Belgazor said, "First comes Tony Blair's trial for his reckless driving, then you for your illegal war, then me for my kidnapping of foreign leaders, and then all Israelis for the high crime of being Jews where they're not wanted. Muh ha ha ha!"

"We won't stand for this!" Bush shouted.

"I'm going to make sure we throw the book at you, President Bush," Belgazor said, "You'll be sentenced to a $150 dollar fine plus time served. Muh ha ha ha!"

"You monster!"

"And, as for you Tony Blair, we don't look kindly on unsafe driving," Belgazor said, "So you will be thrown into the pit of eternal horror. Muh ha ha ha!"

Belgazor then walked off, continuing to laugh his evil Belgian laugh.

"Well, chap, 'pit of eternal horror' doesn't sound very good, does it?" Blair said nervously.

"It's not like I can't afford $150," Bush said, thinking aloud, "but it's the principle of the thing."

"Um, could we worry about this pit thing?" Blair asked, "What do you think it is?"

"Probably some pit with horror in it," Bush answered, "Horror that's eternal. But don't worry, Tony, I'll think of something to get us out of here."

"That's very good and all," Blair answered, "but you aren't really known for 'thinking'."

Bush didn't hear him as he was deep in thought. "If only I had a gun, a blow torch, and weren't in Belgium..."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

In My World
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933