Sometimes you feel like a nut (Democrat primary), sometimes you don't (general election). So which Democrat candidate will be nutty enough to win the primary, gaining that hearts of the Democrat base of drooling idiots? And will he make himself too nutty to be viable in the general election?

To find these answers, I talked to the candidates themselves.

All interviews are now up. They are of John Kerry, Richard Gephardt, Joe Liberman, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Sharpton, Bob Graham, Dennis Kucinich, Carol Moseley Braun, Jojo the Monkey, and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

* * * *

John Kerry

Frank: Being a haughty, French-looking man from Massachusetts, what do you think makes you qualified to be president?

Kerry: Well, having served in Vietnam...

Frank: Everyone knows you served in Vietnam. You don't have to keep mentioning it.

Kerry: Sorry, but having served in Vietnam...

Frank: See, there you go again. Anyway, you said the president lied to you about the war, but you voted with him, which seems to mean you fell for it. Since so many people think President Bush is dumb, how dumb does that make you? Does that affect either your haughtiness or your French-lookingness?

Kerry: Well, serving in Vietnam...

Frank: Is this like a form of Tourette's syndrome?

Kerry: Vietnam! Me served in!

Frank: So, what is your military experience, if any?

Kerry: Uh... well... Bush's tax cuts were for the rich.

Frank: Nice talking to you.

* * * *

Richard Gephardt

Frank: You seem to be a front-runner, having a nice mixture of liberal nuttiness with more mainstream views. But you're statement about striking down Supreme Court rulings with executive orders seemed almost too nutty. Are you sorry for it?

Gephardt: For now... but when I am president I will make an executive order erasing that I ever said that.

Frank: I don't think that's how they work...

Gephardt: You will think what my executive orders tell you to think!

Frank: Some may find it off-putting that you are this insane with power when it is only the primary.

Gephardt: People will love me as president! My executive orders will make sure of that!

Frank: Okay... anyway, more interviews to do...

Gephardt: Do not look at me like that! You do not want me as an enemy! My executive orders will get you!

* * * *

Joe Liberman

Frank: You are the least nutty and therefore most boring Democrat presidential candidate, what do you think are your chances in the primary where craziness counts?

[Ed. note: Unfortunately, I immediately fell asleep when he started talking, and was unable to record any of his responses]

* * * *

John Edwards

Frank: What makes you think you're qualified to be the president of the United States of America?

Edwards: I don't know. I'm just a regular guy, and people respond to that.

Frank: But regular guys don't talk to the dead or are trial lawyers?

Edwards: First of all, I don't talk to the dead; that's a different John Edwards. And I think my being a trial lawyer has helped me get in touch with the common man.

Frank: Is it true you sold your soul to the devil?

Edwards: Well, yes, but that's common for all trial lawyers, and I don't think it should be held against me.

Frank: Was part of your deal with Satan being able to speak to the dead?

Edward: You're not listening to me!

* * * *

Howard Dean

Frank: Originally you were discredited as being too nutty, but now people think you are just nutty enough. But, if you win the primary, will you think you'll be able to make it through the general election?

Dean: Yes, because Bush was wrong on the war. The Iraqi people were better off with Saddam as their leader. Actually, he is a better leader than Bush. If he were to run for the president of the U.S., I would drop out of the election and support him.

Frank: Wow! That's pretty nutty, but I guess the wacko Democrats eat that up. What I want to ask you about now, though, was how your son was caught trying to strangle the pope? How do you feel about that?

Dean: That's a horrible incident, and he's sorry about it.

Frank: So, any other statement's you want the American people to hear?

Dean: Yes, I promise to fight hard and strangle the pope that is the current status quo.

Frank: Uh...

Dean: Whoops! Why did I just say that! Stupid! Stupid!

Frank: Thanks for talking to me.

* * * *

Al Sharpton

Frank: Many people find you to be a more offensive but more entertaining version of Jesse Jackson,i.e., a racist idiot who is fun to watch. You're sort of like a Ku Klux Klan member who can juggle. So, as a racial demagogue black man, what do you think are your chances in the election?

Sharpton: Why do you call me a black man? Is it because I'm a black man?

Frank: Uh... yes.

Sharpton: Racist!

Frank: Uh... you're the racist.

Sharpton: No. I know what racism is. I am great at spotting it and... Racism!

Frank: That's just a bird flying by the window.

Sharpton: Racism!

Frank: That's just a wall outlet.

Sharpton: Racism!

Frank: That's just a desk lamp.

Sharpton: Racism!

Frank: That's the wall outlet again. So, do you really think you can win, or are you satisfied with just being a distraction?

Sharpton: I can win! Among the black vote, I'm the leader.

Frank: Yes, that's very sad.

* * * *

Bob Graham

Frank: You don't really have much of chance, having entered so late, so let's keep this short. Hmm... you're a Senator from my state?

Graham: Yes, and...

Frank: So is your campaign going to distract you from getting our state its pork?

Graham: I won't be...

Frank: I want my pork!

Graham: Stop hitting me!

Frank: Not until I get my pork!

* * * *

Dennis Kucinich

Frank: You seem to be going full out nutty-liberal. Is that going to work?

Kucinich: I am the lizard king!

Frank: Nice hat, by the way.

Kucinich: It's so the Republicans won't read my brain. If I am president, I will ban orbital mind control.

Frank: Why in the world would anyone want to read the brain of a nut like you?

Kucinich: I know too much! Bush may not have found weapons of mass destruction, but I have! Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction! Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction! Squirrels are a weapon of mass destruction!

Frank: You're scaring me.

Kucinich: Ahh! The hat isn't working! The Republicans are getting in my head!

Frank: Bye.

* * * *

Carol Moseley Braun

Braun: I'm a candidate! Interview me!

Frank: Who are you?

Braun: Carol Moseley Braun.

Frank: Are you are sure you are running for president?

Braun: Yes, haven't you heard of me?

Frank: I think so... or maybe I'm thinking of Brawny paper towels.

Braun: There is a lot of racism in America, and I...

Frank: Don't tell me you are trying to split the racial demagogue vote with Sharpton; that's pretty pathetic.

Braun: I am a viable candidate and...

Frank: I have some errands to do. Have your people talk to mine. Bye.

* * * *

Jojo the Monkey

[Ed. note: Responses are from Jojo's sign language translator.]

Frank: Now, Jojo, you are very smart for a chimpanzee, having the intelligence equivalent to a human six-year-old. This places you at the same level of intelligence as much of the Democrat base. Do you think that's enough to make a connection with the voters for the primary?

Jojo: Jojo feels concern of common man. Jojo want help poor and middle class and not just rich like Bush. Bush bad man.

Frank: You try to make yourself out to be a moderate, but your voting record in the Massachusetts state senate is quite liberal by most accounts. How do you respond?

Jojo: Jojo want banana.

Frank: You're avoiding the question.

Jojo: Give Jojo banana or Jojo bite you.

Frank: No reason to give threats. I just want a response to... OW!

* * * *

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Frank: So what conditions are you waiting for to join the race for president?

Clinton: As I have said, I have no intentions to run at this time. I am just selling my book...

Frank: Yes, your book to take attention away from all the other Democrats.

Clinton: That was not the intention...

Frank: You either want the Democrat candidate to lose so you can run in 2008, or, if you see weakness in Bush, like a shark detecting blood in the water, you will suddenly jump into the race. Right?

Clinton: That is absurd.

Frank: Admit that's your plan!

Clinton: No!

Frank: Admit it!

Clinton: I will not admit my evil plans!

Frank: ADMIT THEM!

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