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July 01, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes
Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression, so, just after the nick of time, here's some info on hurricanes. I have lived in Florida for over two years now, which, though I've never actually seen a hurricane, makes me qualified to talk about them from all the second-hand information I've heard. So, without further ado: FUN FACT ABOUT HURRICANES * Hurricanes involve wind... and rain too, I think. * Hurricanes only attack near the coastline, because further inland is ruled by the tornados who don't take kindly to other weather anomalies moving in on their territory. * The main differences between a hurricane, a tropical storm, and a depression are their spellings and pronunciations. * Jerry Fallwell says hurricanes are caused by too many people being homosexuals, so stop it already, guys; those storm windows look hard to put up. * I talked to some guy who said he shot a hurricane with a .45, but that didn't stop it. A .44 magnum probably will, then. * A true samurai should be able to stand down a hurricane and defeat it with one mighty stroke of his blade. I won't do it though, because it might mess up my sword. * I just saw this movie Zaitoichi about a blind samurai, and it was really cool. * I've strayed off topic. * When a hurricane attacks, most people will flee inland, which will mean the beaches will be nice and empty for those of us who aren't a bunch of pussies. * Hurricanes used to always be given female names because hurricanes are destructive, random, and capricious, just like women. That custom was stopped, though, when women got all whiny and moody about it. * No one is sure what causes a hurricane, but it comes from the sea so the most likely candidates are Poseidon, sea monkeys, or France. We should do a preemptive strike against all of them. * A hurricane, unlike the platypus, does not lay eggs. * If a hurricane charges you, just strike it on the nose to ward it away. * In a fight between a hurricane and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up stuck in some power lines somewhere with no fish to talk to. * In Mexico, Aquaman is known as Hombre del Agua. * I've gone off topic again. * This arab guy I met told me that hurricanes are just a Zionist conpiracy to run up insurance costs. Joooos!! * Most times we'll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, "Aha! A hurricane!" Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you'll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, "Wow! You're smart." * All hurricanes want is attention, so the best defense is to just ignore them, even if it rips off the roof of your house. * I once thought I saw a hurricane, but it ended up that it was a gopher. * That was sort of on topic. 32 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes"
I am relieved to learn that hurricanes do not lay eggs, but am still unclear on whether that makes it a mammal.... #1 - Posted by: Susie on July 1, 2003 08:55 AMHurricanes are just propaganda of the liberal weather channel #2 - Posted by: Bob on July 1, 2003 08:56 AMOh, I forgot the conpiracy angle. Let me add one... #3 - Posted by: Frank J. on July 1, 2003 08:58 AMSo it's a "tropical depression" now? Well, here's to hoping it doesn't come across a whopping big load of Zoloft™ samples, then. #4 - Posted by: Emperor Misha I on July 1, 2003 09:15 AMMy 5-year-old nephew was watching the news with me and saw Hurricane Bill. He wanted to know what it was and how it came about. I told him: Hurricanes like Bill are born on the ocean. They move inland and destroy homes, towns, and people's lives when little 5-year-old boys ask stupid questions. #5 - Posted by: Anna on July 1, 2003 09:23 AMOnce again, another outrageous universal attempt to dominate, subjugate and repress the female species! Why aren't they called HIMicanes? Why HURricanes? Huh? Answer me, you male chauvinist PIG! SISTERS! Rise up against this intolerable injustice! Kick a male in the testes today! #6 - Posted by: Feminist Extremist on July 1, 2003 09:24 AMStephen Green is a hottie! #7 - Posted by: One Extreme to the Other on July 1, 2003 09:29 AMNeither "Hurricane" nor even "Himmicane" sounds as funny as "Buffy-Tufted Ear Marmoset." #8 - Posted by: Brian J. on July 1, 2003 09:37 AMHombre del Agua. HAHAHAHAHA! Holy sh*t, everyone at work is staring at me. Curse you Frank for being so damn funny! #9 - Posted by: Phil on July 1, 2003 10:01 AM
A much smaller windbag, for sure. Heh, heh. #10 - Posted by: Angela on July 1, 2003 10:28 AMHurricanes are what happens to all those farts cows and humans and pregnant dogs and French people let out into the air. They wander aimlessly over land and eventually breed over the ocean, forming vast fart herds that can cover great stretches of water. When they grow too big, they then stampede violently back onto the coast, lemming-like, seeking revenge against the creatures that cast them out. --TwoDragons #11 - Posted by: TwoDragons on July 1, 2003 11:55 AMThey really ought to continue naming all Hurricanes after boys--look at the huge mess they leave behind and expect everyone to pick up after them! Just like a guy. #12 - Posted by: serenity on July 1, 2003 12:07 PMWell d---. I thought it was all Chinese butterflies. #13 - Posted by: aelfheld on July 1, 2003 12:31 PMBuffy tufted ear marmoset! Just trying to help you out, Brian. :-) #14 - Posted by: Jennifer on July 1, 2003 01:36 PMDidn't it just feel right? Savor the taste of the words: "Buffy-tufted ear marmoset." I think there's a self-help meditation industry buck to be made from those soothing words. #15 - Posted by: Brian J. on July 1, 2003 03:05 PMI'm here to tell you right now that no samurai can take on a hurricane. I took my van out to where this "Bill" was located. I called it's mother a ho and swung my mighty sword at it. Well, it took my sword and flung it back at me, giving me about an inch before it made me available for conversion to Judaism, if you catch my drift.... Then, I was all like "Oh, hell no, take this you punk-azz beyotch!" and I threw my rosary and a bottle of holy water at it. The hurricane STOPPED in mid twirl, looked at me and just went in a booming voice: "N-Word, Please!" Then it caught me into its Vortex o' Doom and I got my picture in the paper and the headline was "Local Dumbass Dressed Up Like Samurai To Fight Hurricane, Hillary Ensued" After all that and I still aint linked to IAMO! #16 - Posted by: CatholicSamurai on July 1, 2003 09:15 PMDamn, and I, living in Minnesota ( hence Vikings fan) thought it was funny to tell my Cheesehead co-worker,Bill, from Wisconsin ( thus Packer fan) after he commented that they named a hurricane after him , that 'Yeah, it's just like you- full of wind and all wet' was funny, then I read these comments...Franks readers are as insane as he is...wait, I read so, uh forget that last part..! #17 - Posted by: Paul on July 1, 2003 10:34 PMCatholic Samurai, I have to talk to my dealer about the purity of his cocaine. #18 - Posted by: Frank J. on July 1, 2003 10:44 PMOh, well I am misinformed. that's what I get for trusting Netfirm's webstats. And I wouldn't screw with Tony Montana, Frank. Because if you f with him, you are f'in with the very best. Or at least that is what the rumor is. #19 - Posted by: CatholicSamurai on July 2, 2003 07:25 AMBill never reached Hurricane strength (winds of 74 mph). Don't refer to Bill as something he isn't, because he's a wimp compared to the Hurricanes we get in NC (Floyd, Bertha, Bonnie, Fran), so don't insult us with that wimpy Tropical Storm. Hahaha. #20 - Posted by: John on July 2, 2003 11:46 AMmy ass hurts #21 - Posted by: on December 9, 2003 11:05 AM50 a pop #22 - Posted by: fook me on December 9, 2003 11:17 AMmy ass is happy so fuck me this site is funny as hell #23 - Posted by: ass happy on December 9, 2003 11:19 AMThis site is so cool and i am horny so slap my ass and suck my saggy balls u cock sucking sons of bitches. iam sorry i ment fuck face ass holes #24 - Posted by: slap happy on December 16, 2003 02:35 PMfuck me! im soo horny #25 - Posted by: Java on February 11, 2004 05:42 PMI think i saw it already, do not remember where though. #26 - Posted by: Body Piercing on March 30, 2004 12:13 AMwtf are all of you kids doing here, imma tell all ur parents what the f#ck are u guys takin about [In] mourning, it is better to err on the side of grief than on the side of formality. listen to yourselves! Dissing Debbie do you seriously think that Emimem would be proud of you little freaks paying out his mother. Grow up and jump off the band wagon and grow an oppinion for yourself. i am a fan of Eminems music because i appriciate it originality, so if your trying to impress Eminem and everyone else, which you are appreciate his music. 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