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July 02, 2003
In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids
"I got some questions about my book," Buck the Marine said.
"What?" Laura Bush asked with annoyance.
"Is it just the eggs that are green, or both the eggs and the ham?"
"Well, according to the picture, it's both."
Buck thought about this. "I have a moral objection to reading this story."
"You have a moral objection to reading Green Eggs and Ham?" Laura asked with exasperation.
"Well, I read this story to some children, and then one may see some spoiled meat that is green in color and go eat it. Then, someone would ask him, 'Well why would you do such a thing?' And he would reply, 'Because Buck the Marine told me it was alright, and I trusted him.' And then people would say, 'I guess you shouldn't trust Buck the Marine.' And I wouldn't want people saying that."
Laura rolled her eyes. "Fine. Read this one instead."
Buck accepted the book. "Hop on Pop!" he exclaimed, "The Bible says to respect one's parents."
Laura groaned and then handed him another book. "How about this one?"
Buck looked through the pages and laughed a bit. "Heh heh; the stupid bird can't find his mother."
Condoleezza Rice then approached Laura while dragging Chomps on a leash.
"What are you doing here?" Laura exclaimed, "and why do you have that horrible creature with you?"
"Your husband bailed since the kids laughed at him last time when he read them Hello Moon and stumbled on a sentence," Rice explained, "Thus he sent me in his place. It was Rumsfeld's idea to bring the dog. He said Chomps likes children."
"To play with or to eat?" Laura asked skeptically.
"He wasn't specific on that," Rice admitted.
"Can you control him at least?"
"I do have a choke collar on him," Rice said, "but all that seems to do is make him really angry at whoever has the leash."
Chomps saw two water fountains on the wall, and he looked between the two trying to decide which one made him angrier. He finally decided on the left one and ripped it out of the wall.
"No, Chomps! Bad dog!" Laura yelled and then struck Chomps on his snout. Chomps dropped the fountain, and then started barking and snarling ferociously at Laura. She cocked back her hand for another strike while she kept staring at Chomps sternly. Chomps quieted down quickly, but stared back just as intensely. They locked eyes for a quite sometime, but finally Chomps just snorted and turned away.
"That's what I thought," Laura said triumphantly, "Had to do the same thing when Putin came to the visit the White House."
"Heh heh; stupid bird," Buck laughed, reading his book, "That's a steam shovel, not your mother."
"I have what I'm going to read," Rice said, holding up a magazine, "It's an article about radar from Jane's Defense Weekly. I hadn't had a chance to read it yet, so it will be a learning experience for both me and the kids."
"You read one of the books I brought," Laura stated.
Rice looked at them. "Anything by Tom Clancy?"
"No, but there is a lot from Dr. Seuss."
"His books are coded Commie propaganda."
"Where did you hear that?" Laura asked in surprise.
"I just made it up," Rice admitted, "but it sounds like it could be true."
"The stupid bird finds his mother in the end," Buck said, disappointed, "I thought there would be some sort of twist."
"We were also supposed to have a Democrat here to make this bi-partisan," Laura stated, "Where is that nice Zell Miller?"
"He had to cancel," Rice answered, "but a replacement his coming."
All of sudden Laura started shivering. "Why does it suddenly feel so cold in here?"
"Hello," said Hillary Clinton, walking down the school hallway.
"Hillary Rodham Clinton!" Laura exclaimed.
"That's Senator Clinton to you!" she shot back.
"I'm still trying to undo all the damage you did to the position of First Lady," Laura said, "Plus replace the furniture."
Chomps started snarling and barking wildly at Hillary, but she hissed and barred her teeth at him. Chomps then whimpered and hid behind Rice.
"Hello, Condoleezza Rice," Hillary said slyly, "So, what are your plans for 2008."
"Wouldn't you like to know," Rice answered back with a smile.
"Anyway, Laura dear, I'm going to read to the kids from my new book Living History," Hillary said.
"Yes, I've heard about that book," Laura answered, "If you read it backwards, it summons Satan."
"Much like if you read it forwards," Rice added.
"You have to read one of the books I brought," Laura told Hillary.
"But the kids may be interested in history," Hillary said.
"Then they would have no interest in your book," Laura shot back.
Hillary became enraged. "Do not cross me, librarian; I will destroy you!"
Laura thought of a number of things she wanted to say in response, but instead just stated, "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," as she shoved a book to Hillary.
"I thought of a better ending for mine," Buck said, "It has a shoot out and everything. Can I read the kids the new ending?"
"No," Laura told him sharply. She saw some more people coming down the hallway. "The press is coming, so everyone be on their best behavior."
"I can't believe I was assigned to this," complained the Fox News reporter as she was followed by her camerawoman.
"Even your cameraperson is a leggy blond?" Laura exclaimed, "Does Fox News do all of its recruiting from Hooters?"
"Sometimes strip clubs," the Fox News reporter responded. She then spotted Buck. "Why haven't you called me?"
"I was on a secret mission," he answered, "I didn't even know what kind of fore'ners I was kill'n."
"So what's this all about?"
"We're reading to underprivileged kids too dumb to read themselves," Buck explained.
"Is reading important to a Marine?"
"Not really; most of the places we go all the writing if in crazy fore’ner gibberish that one can't be expected to read anyway."
"Hey, where is Chomps?" Rice asked, noticing she had an empty leash.
"I want my mommy!" cried a child, who Chomps was holding up in the air by his collar.
Both Rice and Buck slowly approached Chomps. "Drop the kid and you get a treat," Rice said softly.
Chomps turned and ran off down the hallway, still holding the kid. Rice and Buck chased after him with the Fox News reporter and the camerawoman following the action.
"I guess your reading to kids is a disaster," Hillary cackled, "The office of First Lady must be too much for a poo' wittle wibrarian like you."
Laura steamed. "You, me. Outside. Now!"
* * * *
"Laura Bush program to help get underprivileged children to read ending up being a disaster when Chomps, rated by the Guinness Book of World Records to be the world's angriest dog, ran off holding five-year-old Billy Johnson in his mouth. He eventually dropped the kid unharmed when the dog found some history books that particularly enraged him. Most of the books were damaged, primarily the section in each that had to do with the sixties. Hillary Clinton also ended up with an injury, a black-eye and swollen lip she reportedly received from a fall.
"In other news, North Korea is now actually launching nuclear missiles at us, and we still don't give a rats ass. We now turn to our expert..."
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