Wow! Too bad I am outside your geographical limits. Also your age limits. Also I hate humor in all its myriad forms. Apart from those, we would be perfect for each other.....

Dude, if you don't stop stealing my schictk, we are gonna have problems! *lol*

Frank, you silly boy...if you want some lovin' just post your personal ad on your *blog*. You already have a pool of ladies interested in the Frankster right here. And if none of them meet your, er, criteria...they all have friends, daughters, cousins, etc that they can forward your personal to. Surely some reader knows a cute little conservative in Florida.

If I can find how to make a permalink to it, I'll post it here. Anyone see the video? How's that?

Hi, My name is Frank. I make lots of money, and I need someone to spend it on. I drive a fast car, I live in a nice house, and I work a lot so I won't be around to bother you while you shop all day.

The offers will come pouring in:)

You should have the ladies fill out a questionaire, with all the important questions:

1. Monkeys? Yes No

2. World Peace Requires:

A Communication
B Charity to the unfortunate
C Seemly senseless acts of
extreme violence

3. A US Marine is the:
A Best friend in the world
B Worst enemy in the world

4. Hillary Clinton would make a good:
A. President
B. Author
C. Man

5. I want:
A. To stay at home and raise children
B. To be extremely successful

6. I want to get to closer to Frank because:
A. He seems smart and funny
B. He looks cute
C. He knows where we're nukin'

7. I am very good in bed, but that is just a hypothesis, because my virtue is pure:

True False

Short Answers:

8. If you could only nuke one thing what would it be, and why?

9. Compare and Contrast Micheal Moore and a pile of Fetid Garbage.

10. Why exactly do you support threesomes?

How about:

I'm unmedicated. I hope you are too.

Boy do I have some horror stories about Internet personals! I learned my lesson.

My advise...NOOOOOOO! Don't do it!

Take a creative writing class at your community college, audition for a role in a play, join a church group, or ask your friends and family to start fixing you up. You'll meet lots of beautiful, talented women who are creative and will appreciate your talents.

Online, you're more likely to meet a one-legged dominatrix with a personality disorder and a strap on.

You still got the number for that dominatrix?

Change Frank J. to MelbFrankJ, and then you'll get random e-mails from women asking you questions about Melbourne.

You'll just have to hope they're not Australian, of course.

It's a proven tactic, though.

hln

It's true. Hot chicks ask me about the St. Lawrence Seaway all the time!

Bob that questionnaire is a scream!

FrankJ - I never did Match.com but I did Matchmaker for quite a while and it was a blast. I met a lot of interesting people and established one romantic short term (well it was supposed to be long but only 2years) relationship and one lifetime friend from there.

The key is not having so many expectations. Meet people in person for lunch (this works good because you can bail in 45 minutes if you want). When I was on there I met guys who I was sure I wouldn't want to get entwined with (careful use of wording alert) but who turned out to be very entertaining company and dates.

Just have fun with it. Be real too. Nothing sucks like meeting a guy who doesn't look like his picture or fudged a lot of stuff on his essay.

And you're quite handsome so you should have no trouble attracting women.

As for attracting 'broads', well, I won't comment on that.

Oh, come on. I'm sure whichever dominatrix Frank would find online would have a bare minimum of two legs.

Bob, you forgot one option: On the Marine question, it should also have C) Both of the above; 'cause that's the right answer.

Traditionally, one gets together with a big group of one's buddies, then sacks and pillages a small village, hitting the first woman he sees over the head with a club and carrying her off to be married.

Well, hell, Frank. Try my system. Thirty-three years ago I was minding my own business, just out of the Corps, enjoying the stray shots from the Sexual Revolution and all of a sudden there was this net over me...The more I struggled the tangleder I got. Next thing I know I'm retired on half pay and there's four grandkids with one more due in October and the kids are barely getting started
One time I didn't have a sharp knife and now I'm old, fat and balding.

To rule out all those one legged dominatrixes, (dominatrixi?), you could put in your expectations list that she be bi-pedal.

And, uh, "Knight in search of a Princess"....no offense Frank but lots of guys use lines like that. You're very clever, I'm positive you can come up with something better.

As for the video--apparently we can only view it if we sign up? Eh---maybe I'll just wait till you link the video to your site or something.

Good luck--prepare to meet some whack jobs but I've heard it is very possible to meet someone that's everything you were hoping for...sometimes more. One final thought--patience. I've had some friends who met their mates this way but most of them said they hooked up long after they remembered they even had a personal ad.

And finally, I'll go the way of Amy and just keep silent about the attracting broads comment.

Oh, I dunno. I already liked you before I saw your picture; now I'm in love.

None of those Mrs. Robinson lines, either. I'm not THAT old.

Or married.

What, no monkey pics? You didn't mention beaches or roaring fires....good move. Chicks appreciate men who don't try to pretend they love sand fleas and singed hair.

I wrote a personal ad a few years back that might work for you...

Complete loser looking for sugar-mama. I'm tired of washing dishes at the Rexall lunch counter so I'm hoping you will pay my bills. I don't drink as much as I used to (that Redneck Scream was killing my guts so I've switched to fine wine, MD20/20 and such) and I ain't been arrested in over six months.

My Camaro is up on blocks until I can find someone to pay for a rebuilt engine and new rims and tires, so you will have to pick me up at the trailer house... unless you want to send me a check to get the speed machine fixed. I'll get my cousin to finish the work on the car when he gets out of the county jail (it was a little misunderstanding about borrowing thirty boxes of alergy medicine and a can of lighter fluid from Wal-Mart) and when my racer is back on the road, I'll be right over to pick you up. Unless you have a nice red sports car.

Don't answer this ad unless you still got most of your teeth and ain't fat. I still got all my front teeth and I got an image to protect. Daddy always said "It's a sad man that won't build a shed over his favorite tool." so I call my beer gut a toolshed. Ha ha.

I hope we hit it right off 'cause the landlord is trying to get us to move by disconnecting the trailer from the power and sewer and water. It won't work but I'm getting sick of listening to my two ex-wives bitch and all six kids want to shower every day.

Oh, and I ain't gonna even consider hooking up with anybody who don't have at least three bedrooms 'cause I can't neglect my kids and they won't go anywhere without their moms.

So hurry the f*ck up and get over here... and could you stop at the seven-eleven and pick up a pint, a six and a pack of Camel lights... in the box.

With your talent for writing, I'm sure you can surpass my humble offering and the rewards are great.

Ladies, remember... all men will get fat, wrinkley and old... find one that you can laugh with, not at, as you grow old together.