Happy Independence Day! This is when we celebrate the founding of our kickass country, the United States of America. For any international readers whoa aren't as familiar with U.S. history, here is a brief history lesson:

A Brief History of the Creation of the United States of America

Back in the day, Christopher Columbus discovered a new continent... Well, I guess he didn't really know is was a new continent, but the important thing was that he thought the world was round when everyone else thought it was flat... Or maybe most educated people did think it was round then...

Anyway, let's forget Columbus. The important thing is that a new continent was discovered (and, if I understand science correctly, something is only counted as being discovered when someone in Europe has heard of it), and a bunch of people all fed up with being so European went to this new continent to form colonies and live like they pleased. So the colonists were chillin out, maxin, relaxin' all cool, but Britain started like bossing them around even though the country was like a million miles away. They was taxing the colonists and imprisoning them until finally, the original crew, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln... no, wait, he was later.

As I was saying, the original crew formed a gang known as the Found'n Fathers, and they said to the British, "Funk dat!" and they threw all their tea into the sea 'cause we's a coffee drink'n society, biotch! So they wrote the Declaration of Independence, a document that said we had God-given rights, and, if you don't respect them, we f**k you up. They signed it on July 4th, 1776, and our new nation was formed.

Of course, the British didn't like that none, and thus there was the Revolutionary War. And there was much kung fu fighting. Despite the British being this big empire, and despite them having their Red Coats, their cannons, their ninja assassins, and their robots from the future, we still handed them their asses 'cause no one can whup an American. Then the British all fled back to Britain or to the dire wastelands of Canada.

So now we got America, the baddest country their ever was. And if you don't like it… that's coo', 'cause in America you can believe and say and do whatever the f**k you want. Hells yeah!

But stay off of my lawn or I'll shoot you.

Happy 4th. Peace, I'm outta here.

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