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July 20, 2003
Instapundo Delnda Est: A Time to Reflect
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (32)

To summarize the past week, in retaliation for the puppy blender's blatant ignoring of my blogiversary, my readers sent out spontaneous hate mail to Glenn Reynolds. He then blatantly didn't link to me again, calling you, my readers, spambots!

I decided to ignore that - no reason to start a war - but then I had an innocent scientific experiment to test out Google. If you google for "puppy blender" + instapundit, Instapundit.com is one of the top hits even though puppy blender only appears in links to him. So, I theorized that if a lot of us linked to Instapundit with one word that is always on his page (liberal) and one that isn't (assclown), he would become the top hit for "liberal assclown".

My best guess is that Glenn Reynolds, using his vast evil powers, got to Google first and made them change their linking rules for him, because it hasn't worked at all. Instead, Glenn Reynolds, with the help of his droog Wizbang, countered with something more insidious. Just go to Google and type in "liberal assclown" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button to see what I'm talking about. Glenn Reynolds even changed the permalink to me on his page to point to that, further adding to his policy of not linking to me. (BTW: Anyone who doesn't want to keep the "liberal assclown" link on their page should feel under no obligation to do so)

I must hold back the anger, though, for my enemies are cunning, and thus I must be even more so. It's time for some real plotting. So, now I'll just pull out my copy of Sun-Tzu and...

...there! Got him! I couldn't concentrate with that fly buzzing around. Now let's get to the heart of the matter: analyzing the enemy.

But, before I go on, I think itís a good idea to first point people to this news article. Anyway...

What I Already Know
* He gets his energy from drinking shakes made by putting a puppy in a blender.
* He either worships hobos and murders Satan or vice versa.
* He is a Commie spy who does the robot dance.
* Once, so drunk with power, he struck me, the beloved Frank J.!
* He is actually a heterosexual.

I did some further investigation on him, though, and found some new facts:

Facts About Glenn Reynolds
* His mother was a jackal.
* His father was Satan... or, at least, a guy named "Stan".
* He was born Glenda Reynolds, but legally changed his name after his sex change operation.
* Was drawn to blogging as a way to selectively control information given to a brainwashed few.
* His primary interest in nanotechnology is using it to infect the human population and control their minds.
* He wants free access to Mars so he can run his evil empire from there.
* He may be a ninja or at least a ninja sympathizer.
* His original site URL was instalinsmemoryiamapundit.com, but he later abbreviated it to instapundit.com so people could remember it easier.
* His goal is to have One Blog to rule them all, One Blog to find them, One Blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
* He once grew a long beard to show solidarity with the Taliban, but ended up shaving it because it itched too much.
* He spends all his free time obsessing on how he can destroy and undermine my site.

Likes
* Evil
* Chaos
* Communism
* Monkeys
* The robot dance
* Frenchmen
* The blood of the innocent

Dislikes
* Unblended puppies
* Humanity
* Linking to IMAO
* Jesus
* America

Weaknesses
* Sunlight
* Holy Water
* The biting satire of Frank J.
* A katana wielded by a samurai of true honor
* Chocolate

Also, I guess we should take a look at his flunky, Wizbang.

Facts About Kevin of Wizbang
* Is the illegitimate child of Glenn Reynolds.
* Is controlled by Glenn Reynolds nanotechnology so that he hates all things good and IMAO.
* Kevin is actually an acronym for Kills Elderly Vacationers in Instapundit's Name.

Weaknesses
* Bullets
* Knives
* Having head submerged underwater for long periods of time

So how do I take on the enemy? Do I first attack his weaker lackeys, or do I go for the big man himself and let his limbs whither up and die after the head has been severed?

Oh... I have a plan now...

Muh ha ha ha ha!

Unfortunately, secrecy will be crucial for this one; I have no idea how many more Instapundit loyalists lurk in the darkness. You'll all just have to wait for it. And, Glenn Reynolds, if you are reading - and I know you are - just know that humiliation and defeat is waiting for you.

Instapundo delenda est!


The Enemy

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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