About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


July 20, 2003
Instapundo Delnda Est: A Time to Reflect
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (32)

To summarize the past week, in retaliation for the puppy blender's blatant ignoring of my blogiversary, my readers sent out spontaneous hate mail to Glenn Reynolds. He then blatantly didn't link to me again, calling you, my readers, spambots!

I decided to ignore that - no reason to start a war - but then I had an innocent scientific experiment to test out Google. If you google for "puppy blender" + instapundit, Instapundit.com is one of the top hits even though puppy blender only appears in links to him. So, I theorized that if a lot of us linked to Instapundit with one word that is always on his page (liberal) and one that isn't (assclown), he would become the top hit for "liberal assclown".

My best guess is that Glenn Reynolds, using his vast evil powers, got to Google first and made them change their linking rules for him, because it hasn't worked at all. Instead, Glenn Reynolds, with the help of his droog Wizbang, countered with something more insidious. Just go to Google and type in "liberal assclown" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button to see what I'm talking about. Glenn Reynolds even changed the permalink to me on his page to point to that, further adding to his policy of not linking to me. (BTW: Anyone who doesn't want to keep the "liberal assclown" link on their page should feel under no obligation to do so)

I must hold back the anger, though, for my enemies are cunning, and thus I must be even more so. It's time for some real plotting. So, now I'll just pull out my copy of Sun-Tzu and...

...there! Got him! I couldn't concentrate with that fly buzzing around. Now let's get to the heart of the matter: analyzing the enemy.

But, before I go on, I think itís a good idea to first point people to this news article. Anyway...

What I Already Know
* He gets his energy from drinking shakes made by putting a puppy in a blender.
* He either worships hobos and murders Satan or vice versa.
* He is a Commie spy who does the robot dance.
* Once, so drunk with power, he struck me, the beloved Frank J.!
* He is actually a heterosexual.

I did some further investigation on him, though, and found some new facts:

Facts About Glenn Reynolds
* His mother was a jackal.
* His father was Satan... or, at least, a guy named "Stan".
* He was born Glenda Reynolds, but legally changed his name after his sex change operation.
* Was drawn to blogging as a way to selectively control information given to a brainwashed few.
* His primary interest in nanotechnology is using it to infect the human population and control their minds.
* He wants free access to Mars so he can run his evil empire from there.
* He may be a ninja or at least a ninja sympathizer.
* His original site URL was instalinsmemoryiamapundit.com, but he later abbreviated it to instapundit.com so people could remember it easier.
* His goal is to have One Blog to rule them all, One Blog to find them, One Blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
* He once grew a long beard to show solidarity with the Taliban, but ended up shaving it because it itched too much.
* He spends all his free time obsessing on how he can destroy and undermine my site.

* Evil
* Chaos
* Communism
* Monkeys
* The robot dance
* Frenchmen
* The blood of the innocent

* Unblended puppies
* Humanity
* Linking to IMAO
* Jesus
* America

* Sunlight
* Holy Water
* The biting satire of Frank J.
* A katana wielded by a samurai of true honor
* Chocolate

Also, I guess we should take a look at his flunky, Wizbang.

Facts About Kevin of Wizbang
* Is the illegitimate child of Glenn Reynolds.
* Is controlled by Glenn Reynolds nanotechnology so that he hates all things good and IMAO.
* Kevin is actually an acronym for Kills Elderly Vacationers in Instapundit's Name.

* Bullets
* Knives
* Having head submerged underwater for long periods of time

So how do I take on the enemy? Do I first attack his weaker lackeys, or do I go for the big man himself and let his limbs whither up and die after the head has been severed?

Oh... I have a plan now...

Muh ha ha ha ha!

Unfortunately, secrecy will be crucial for this one; I have no idea how many more Instapundit loyalists lurk in the darkness. You'll all just have to wait for it. And, Glenn Reynolds, if you are reading - and I know you are - just know that humiliation and defeat is waiting for you.

Instapundo delenda est!

The Enemy

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933