Susie from Joisey asks:
Is it true that you get better mileage when your gas tank is more than half
full, and worse mileage when it's less than half full?

Yes, and there's an extremely simple, scientific explanation for that. Cars are always in constant fear of being discarded to a junkyard, but, when their tanks are full, they are happy and thus drive well. As their tanks reach closer to empty, they get more fearful that this tank of gas will be their last and thus become depressed and drive more poorly.

Renna from Funkytown, U.S.A. writes:
I have tickets to see the rock group Foreigner at a community event next Friday night. I'm concerned that Buck the Marine might show up and try to kill them. How will I know him if I see him and is there anything I can say to dissuade him from killing them?

No, nothing can dissuade Buck from killing; he is a Marine after all. If Foreigner didn't want a kill'n, they should have named themselves "Happy Americans" or "Not a Foreigner".

Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Will Michael Moore keep getting fatter, or will eventually he reach a
physical limit and explode?

As Einstein explained, eventually Michael Moore will become so fat that he will not explode, but instead implode, collapsing down upon himself into a black hole, possibly sucking into him any nearby city. I think he's about two burritos and a Big Mac away from that point.

Jason H. from the 3rd Rock from the Sun, Texas sector writes:
Frank, if you were running for president and you happened to miss a
NAACP convention, how many times would you apologize and what would you
say? By the way, Jesse Jackson REALLY wanted you to be there.

Oh, I'd apologize over and over to that racist, uber-partisan group. First, I'd kick down the door to their convention.

"Oops! Sorry!"

Then I'd slam Jesse Jackson's head into the podium.

"Sorry! I'm so clumsy!"

When that Queasy, Fumey guy starts mouthing off, I'd punch him in the gut.

"Sorry! Didn't see you!"

Then I'd tackle Jesse Jackson before he could get away.

"Whoops! Sorry I fell down on you with such momentum."

Hell, I'd apologize until I would go hoarse from it.

Jose from Atlantis writes:
If you have seen 28 Days Later you know that all the trouble is caused by
hippies and monkeys, so my question is: Could hippies and monkeys combining
forces really result in the annihilation of the human race?

I haven't seen 28 days, but I've always been against both hippies and monkeys. Both are filthy, smelly, mindless creatures that should be locked in cages. As for annihilating the human race, I think hippies lack the ambition and intellect for that, but I wouldn't put is past the monkeys.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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Frank Answers
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