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July 21, 2003
In My World: First Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:28 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (19)

"Hey, Ari, you grew fatter and got some hair. Not sure if I like it."

"Actually, Ari Fleischer left, Mr. President," Scott McClellan told Bush, "I'm your new White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan."

"Oh yeah," Bush said, slapping his forehead, "Anyway, I'm going to give you a nickname so we'll all feel like friends. Your nickname will be... uh... Ari."

"Uh, okay," Scott answered dubiously.

"Anyway, Ari, I don't know if you've heard about it yet, but apparently my two daughters have run off with their cousin Noelle - always told them to stay away from her - and, fueled by crack, they're driving cross country robbing every liquor store they see."

Scott looked concerned. "No, I hadn't heard that."

"Yeah, well, you'll have to come up with some good spin for that that makes me look good."

"A good spin on drug use and robbery?"

Bush patted him on the back. "You're a professional; you'll think of something. I bet those cops had it coming."


"Anyway, on to Iraq."

"Yeah, I know the administration position for that," Scott said confidentially, "We'll be able to help them get on their feet with their oil reserves..."

"Hold on a bit there," Bush interrupted, "You know how all those stupid hippy protestors were saying all we wanted to do was steal Iraq's oil? Well, we never had any such intention, but, once we actually got in Iraq, we thought about it and was like, 'Hey, why not?' So play down the whole 'Iraq has oil' angle, because we don't want people to be too surprised when it ends up there is none."

"You're stealing their oil!" Scott exclaimed.

Bush rolled his eyes. "And that's how you don't want to put it."

"I don't know if stealing Iraq's oil is such a good idea," Scott said, "We already avoided disaster when we found out the Iraq’s museums weren't actually looted."

"We were glad to hear that too," Bush answered, "because we always planned to steal those artifacts for ourselves."

"You're taking Iraq's treasures?" Scott exclaimed.

"And their women... the young attractive ones, at least," Bush chuckled, "Anyway, maybe you can relate our stealing to Jenna's, Barbara's, and Noelle's robberies - except ours will involve less gunplay. Just a suggestion. Now go out to the press and put a good spin on everything while I go play some X-box."

Scott just stood there speechless as the president walked off.

* * * *

"Hello, everyone, I'm Scott McClellan, the new White House Press Secretary. It's my first day, so go easy on me." He chuckled a bit, trying to hide his nervousness.

"Why does Bush want to kill the Freedonian children?" Helen Thomas asked, "What did the Freedonia children ever do to Bush?"

Scott looked confused. "I don't think there are such things as Freedonian children."

"That's because Bush killed them all!"

Scott looked around the reporters. "Is someone supposed to be watching this woman?"

"Hello, I'm Melinda Hawkish from Fox News Channel, the foxiest news around..."

"I'm sorry, what?" Scott interrupted.

Melinda looked a bit peeved. "It's the new tagline; the producers made me say it. Anyway, my question is about North Korea and Iran: when will we annihilate them?"

"We don't plan to annihilate anyone," Scott laughed, "There is a diplomatic solution..."

"There is a diplomatic solution," Melinda repeated in a mocking tone, "Doesn't the president know we pay tax money and want more dead foreigners as a result?"

"Now that's just being childish," Scott said, taken aback.

"Are you going to cry, tubby?" Melinda asked mockingly.

"Someone else have a question?" Scott demanded angrily.

"I do," said another reporter, "I heard that just this morning a soldier in Iraq fell off a tank and broke his leg. Will the Bush administration finally admit the situation has turned into a Vietnam-like quagmire?"

Scott looked befuddled, but then he started laughing. "Oh, I get it now," he announced, "This is some joke they play on the new guy."

The reporter appeared confused.

"Oh my God; you're serious," Scott sighed.

"I've heard reports about the Bush daughters going on a drug-fueled spree of liquor store robberies," said yet another reporter, "Do you have any comments on that?"

"Yes," Scott answered, "The White House applauds Jenna's, Barbara's, and Noelle's striking out against liquor stores in an attempt to curb underage drinking. Any other questions?"

"How can you say that with a straight face?"

"I practiced for a while in front of the mirror. Next question."

Suddenly a Mercedes crashed through the pressroom wall. Looking out the window was President Bush wearing a racing helmet. "Hey, Ari, I just stole Daschle’s car and am going to go enter in a demolition derby," Bush told Scott, "Try to put a good spin on that." He then backed the car back out the hole in the wall and drove off.

Scott stood at the podium in stunned silence.

Finally a reporter broke the quiet. "So why did Bush kill the Freedonians?"

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

In My World
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