Bryan Smith from Somewhere East of Hell, Virginia writes:
The quiz at http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html identified me as a
"Libertarian" even though I've always thought of myself as a republican. Do
you know of any support groups that may be able to help me out?

Sorry, I don't know of any support groups, but I can give you some advice to help out. Take two positions that seem contradictory - like saying you hate the nanny state which prevent people from buying cigarettes and guns but want marijuana to be illegal because you hate hippies - and, when someone calls you on being inconsistent, reply, "I don't give a rat's ass." Don't fall for that false god of consistency, or there may be no help for you and you'll find yourself supporting canidates who don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting elected and are blue in color.

Diane from Basara, Iraq writes:
Please help, as I'm not sure if I should seek counseling. After watching the
confirmation that Saddam's spawn were both dead, I didn't turn off the
television. I left it on so I could hear over and over and over again that
we had killed them and laugh almost hysterically each time. Is there
something wrong with me?

No, reacting to the deaths of these two (as Buck would say) extra foreign people is perfectly natural. Me, I did a happy dance upon hearing the news. Who needs help are the few people who hate God, man, and America, and gnash their teeth at good news about the war. Give them two whacks with a Cluebat™ and call me in the morning.

Steve the Marine in Hawaii asks:
What is your stance on people born on the year of the monkey? Inherently evil, is there any hope?

I don't believe in those silly superstitions, but, to be on the safe side, I would watch any person born in the year of monkey with deep suspicion. Whenever they near, keep your hand near your gun and your eyes on them at all times. And, try to delay pregnancies to make sure a child is not born in such a year. That may be harsh for a pregnant woman, but I don't care because I'm a man.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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Frank Answers
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