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July 29, 2003
To Everyone Who Thinks I Write Relevant Satire, Take That!
A lot of people sent me this article. It tells the terrible story of how, if monkeys get protection by the law, they run amok. They'll steal your chicken, bitch-slap your dogs, and ride your hogs. That's because monkeys know right from wrong and always choose wrong. Luckily, we have no such problems here. That's because earlier American settlers shot all the monkeys and chased them to Canada. Now Canadians just put up with the constant monkey attacks, getting bit all the time (it's a one month wait to get a monkey bite treated in Canada) and having their hockey sticks stolen. It's a living hell, but, ask most Canadians about it, and they'll be so embarrassed by the problem they'll pretend not to know what you are talking about. I know what you're probably saying: "Hey, I live in Delaware; I'm never going to get overridden with monkeys here like those stupid Canucks." You will if you become unwatchful of the problem. If that happens, monkeys will soon take over, scratching us, eating our bananas, voting for Democrats, and taking all the high-paying jobs. Hey, it's happened in Canada where is a virtual Monkocracy, only the monkeys getting promoted into management by the other monkeys. Most Canadians have a boss who is a monkey, a monkey who will constantly bite them and make them work unpaid overtime. Plus, if a Canadian gets a bad performance review, his monkey boss will give him Ebola. It's true, though most Canadians will tell you otherwise because they're filthy liars. And it's already too late for Canada, because they can't pass laws against the monkeys since the monkeys overtook the legislature. I even think their president, or prime minister, or head hockey coach - whatever it is that rules Canada - is a monkey (well, technically they have a king which is a moose, but he's just a figurehead). But we can fight back before it's too late. First, if you ever need to travel to Canada (I don’t know why; maybe to dump trash or something), make sure to thoroughly check your car for any monkey stowaways on return. Check in the trunk, under the hood, under the car, and cut open each tire to make sure a monkey isn’t hiding inside. Also, unlike Taiwan, which has laws to protect monkeys, we should pass a Monkey Unprotection law, one where, if you see a wild monkey and don't at least throw a rock at it, you would face heavy fines. And, if you are found to be a monkey sympathizer, there would be jail time. I also propose a new Amendment to the Constitution which will read: "Monkeys are bad; kick them." Do you want a future overrun by monkeys like what Charlton Heston had to face? Of course you don't. So support the Monkey Unprotection Act; it's for The Children™. Okay, so I got bored of writing about the Middle East and North Korea; so sue me. 17 Responses To "To Everyone Who Thinks I Write Relevant Satire, Take That!"
This wasn't about North Korea? Come on, I've seen photos of Kim Jong Il. You can't tell me he isn't a monkey. Monkocracy is the type of government most communists support. I didn't know it had made it as far as Canada. #1 - Posted by: LibertyBob on July 29, 2003 08:42 AMNote that the trouble making monkeys are macaques. I told you you can't trust 'em. #2 - Posted by: J. Fielek on July 29, 2003 09:11 AMI remembered that one of the contestant wrote against macaques. You certainly knew what you were talking about. #3 - Posted by: Frank J. on July 29, 2003 09:32 AMOkay, so I got bored of writing about the Middle East and North Korea; so sue me. My lawyers (Guido and Knuckles) will be contacting you...to congratulate you on an excellent post, and insist on your assurance that there will be more "ripped from the headlines" satire in the future.... #4 - Posted by: Susie on July 29, 2003 09:44 AMSee? I know my stuff. That's why I should be President. And contributions are now being accepted. #5 - Posted by: J. Fielek on July 29, 2003 10:43 AMEven if Kim Jong Il isn't a REAL monkey, he should be named an honorary monkey. I propse he be named poofius hairus communist. I wonder how much a zoo or the white house would pay me for him? #6 - Posted by: Tim E on July 29, 2003 12:32 PMYou have some readers from Canada you know :P #7 - Posted by: Vince on July 29, 2003 02:06 PMWatchit, Vince, or we'll sic the macaques on you! #8 - Posted by: J. Fielek on July 29, 2003 03:14 PMAh ha! So you're not monkey free after all! #9 - Posted by: Vince on July 29, 2003 03:50 PMDamn. I'm gonna have to buy a box of Depends to keep handy for my daily visits to IMAO. Just laughing myself silly! I see monkeys everywhere now. #10 - Posted by: SallyVee on July 29, 2003 04:45 PMThe planet of the Apes was Pierre Boulle story wasn't it... a French, wasn't he... hi hi hi hihiiiiiiiiiii i. Your next job in a laboratory Frank, might be working as a brain watched Human.... hahahahaaaaaaa ha. Oops. #11 - Posted by: Dingdong on July 29, 2003 05:18 PMVince, We don't want them, that's why we're sending them after you. Prepare the Cata..., er, Monkapults! President J #12 - Posted by: J. Fielek on July 29, 2003 05:56 PMThanks Frank for alerting your readers to the Great White Menace (GWM). They have already infiltrated Michigan via three unguarded Great Lakes as well as land entry points in Sault Ste. Marie and Detroit (both names, by the way, are French in origin. They have also gotten one of their own, the Canadian Jennifer Granholm into the Governor's office. Visiting zoos across Michigan I have also noticed that they have primate cells in strategic positions around our beleaguered State. I have made several reconnaissance trips to the GWM and plan to embark on an extended mission there under the cover of "attending college". More info at my blog. (ie please link me so I get more hits.) #13 - Posted by: Tim the Michigander on July 29, 2003 08:09 PMOk, but to load these dubious "monkapults" wouldn't one have to have monkeys???? I bet in the process of loading them, some animal rights activist will set them free, unleashing a reign of monkey terror over America. Much like 28 Days Later. #14 - Posted by: Vince on July 29, 2003 08:23 PMVince, we have Chomps to deal with the hippies and PETA types. #15 - Posted by: President J on July 29, 2003 08:47 PMDear Frank, Thank you for alerting me to the menace that going to Canada holds for me. Since I can't afford to wait 30 days to be treated for a monkey bite (I'm an American and thus supervise monkeys), I will make sure to get out before my friend and I hit the border. My friend has to go see if he can get into Candy-ass with an "importation of drugs" charge on his record. Why are all my friends DemocRats? #16 - Posted by: NZarathustra on July 31, 2003 01:57 AMPost a comment
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