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August 01, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 6 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (20)

After having a photo finish for the last poll, this one was a total blowout. There were 247 votes total.

The question was: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words or less, what is the best way to handle this situation?

And the winner is: Answer 3, written by Harvey of Bad Money. It got 143 votes (58%).

I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.
I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.
Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle.
Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.
Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:
“I’m strong to the finish
(here’s a buck for your spinach)
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”

Answer 1 was written by Analog Mouse of One Little Victory. It got 31 votes (13%).

When the hippies are basking in their smelly glory about how many protesters are there, tell them that the only reason no one is there supporting the other side is that they are all busy WORKING FOR A LIVING! Then ask the hippies if they have jobs. They will look at their shoes and quietly walk away. (I've seen this done. It really works!)

Answer 2 was written by Mark of Kaedrin. It got 35 votes (14%).

The obvious answer would be to simply savage them with my gas-guzzling SUV, but I should probably be more creative. I would sneak around the crowd, obtain their email addresses then send Frank J. a harassing email lecturing him on grammar. Then I would pull up a chair and watch the ensuing chaos (chances are, watching hippies die slow, horrible, painful deaths at the hands of a samurai sword wielding engineer would be more entertaining than anything I was going to attend anyway)

Answer 4 was written by Jennifer of Jennifer's History and Stuff. It got 34 votes (14%).

One word: soap. Soap is a well-known hippie repellant. If you carry a bar of soap with you at all times, you can wave it at any hippies you come across and they will part like the Red Sea.

Answer 5 was written by Tuning Spork of Blather Review. It got 4 votes (2%).

I'd cover myself from head to toe in a soapy lather; the hippies would part like the Red Sea as I strolled merrily on through.

Okay, I can see two answers centering around soap as a repelent to hippies, but both making reference to the parting of the Red Sea? Was someone looking over another person's shoulder when writing his or her answer?

As for me, despite how hilarious Answer 3 was (especially “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”), I voted for Answer 1, not so much because it was funny as it just was true.

So, congratulations to Harvey of Bad Money. We now have all our finalists.

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The finalists’ questions will appear Monday. All the site descriptive questions will change, plus there will be the mother of all short answer questions to decide the winner (I just have to think of it first).

There are six finalists, but, in the end...


Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

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