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August 05, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists
Al Qaeda is still plotting! You might have thought they were all plotted out, but, oh no, they're still after us. And their attacks are against planes again; these are like one note terrorists. You gotta switch things up, dudes. You know, Speed was on a bus, and Speed 2 was on a boat; that's how things work here in America. Anyway, they're planning to sneak evil terrorist weapons into common household items, so I think it would be a good citizen of me to give everyone some tips on how to avoid terrorists on a plane flight. FRANK TIPS FOR AVOIDING AIRLINE TERRORISM * If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that's halfway to Al Qaeda. * If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that's a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, "No!" * If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person's head. Even if he wasn't a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight? * Terrorists are trying to sneak weapons into children toys. If you see a child on your flight, smash his toys. * If you are going to crash land, don't duck into a crash position as illustrated in that little flyer; if everyone is ducking like that, a crash landing makes the perfect time for a terrorist attack. * Terrorists plan to modify cameras as stun weapons. If a terrorist tries to take a picture of you, hold up a mirror and deflect it back at him. Stupid terrorist. * The airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket. * Air Marshals on flights are supposed to have a gun, so, if you see someone on your flight waving around a gun and yelling, assume he is an Air Marshal and go to sleep. * If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried. * If the man next to you is named Mohammed, that's a terrorist name; beat him up. If he is named Mo, that could be short for Mohammed; beat him up. If he says his name is Bob, he's probably lying and it's really Mohammed; beat him up. If his name is Sue, make fun of him for having a girl's name; he'll beat you up. * The best defense is a good offense, so bring a shotgun on the flight. How do you sneak a shotgun on? When security asks you, "Hey, is that a shotgun?" say, "Only a dumb person would think this is a shotgun." The security person will not want to look dumb, so he'll just wave you through. * Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don't shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they'll probably just sulk and then sit back down. * If Aquaman is on your flight, don't worry; he'll save you. Well, maybe he will… if the flaming wreck lands in the water. On second thought, forget Aquaman; you're on your own. * If the stewardess asks you to pay extra for your meal, that's probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action. * If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen. * As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you're fighting terrorism. * If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a "fist" which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won't do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop! * If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, "You're about to experience some major turbulence!" because that will be so cool. * When fighting a terrorist, the best and most climatic way to finish him off is to open an emergency door and suck him out. Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it's neutral like the Swiss. 23 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists"
If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen. This just rocketed to my top spot for a Know thy Enemy. It moved past the Hillary Clinton list..... and that's saying something. #1 - Posted by: Mike the Marine on August 5, 2003 10:06 AMWell, your first suggestion pretty much screws me, and my website, You Can Call Me Al. Wonder if youcancallmesue.com is available... #2 - Posted by: Al on August 5, 2003 10:22 AM You know, I've been wondering the best way to describe the making of a fist to people. My usual way was to just say, "Think of something that makes you really angry and then fists just appear." Your more technical description makes a lot more sense and will be far easier to describe. (It will probably save me having to be around a bunch of angry people with fists!) wow, you're really channeling Jack Handey lately. Incidentally, I find Jack Handey hysterical. And now i'm LMAO!!!! hehehe SPORK #4 - Posted by: the spork effect on August 5, 2003 11:03 AMFrank J. is too funny. I am running out of ways to describe my delight with these posts. And the thing is, I am actually afraid of more airplane attacks. My husband has to fly up to Chicago tonight. I am going to drill him on the phrase: "You're about experience some major turbulence!" #5 - Posted by: SallyVee on August 5, 2003 12:03 PM"Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it's neutral like the Swiss." So in other words it helps Nazis? ;) #6 - Posted by: Robert on August 5, 2003 12:24 PMI am going to drill him on the phrase: "You're about experience some major turbulence!" I think I need a cold shower now. I'm with your nemesis on this, Frank - Bring them on. Plus, I got a linky linky over at my homebase to ya. #7 - Posted by: blaster on August 5, 2003 02:21 PMThe airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket. This is just ... this post is so funny I don't even know what to say. I also especially liked: that's probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action Great work. #8 - Posted by: red on August 5, 2003 03:16 PMCongrats Frank! Don't look now, but I think a certain liberal assclown linked to you and even used your name!!! Maybe your evil plot is working. Muh ha ha ha ha!!! #9 - Posted by: Clancy on August 5, 2003 03:26 PMBe careful Frank, the puppy blender is attempting to foil your as yet unrevealed secret plot against him by linking to this post. Don't let him get away with it. #10 - Posted by: Kathleen on August 5, 2003 03:28 PMI am going to drill him on the phrase: "You're about experience some major turbulence!" Dang, SallyVee, I want to fly your friendly skies! #11 - Posted by: R.C. Dean on August 5, 2003 03:29 PMHey! The puppy blender linked to you by name! Does this mean the end of the blog wars? Then again he made sure to insult you at the end there, so maybe it is just the begining... Shaulie I just linked to instapundit now that he linked to Frank's guide to dealing with airline terrorists. #13 - Posted by: Blackfive on August 5, 2003 05:32 PMI prefer to smack the terrorist with a rolled up newspaper and say "bad terrorist, no biscuit!" in a firm tone. This really makes them cry like little girls.... #14 - Posted by: Kat on August 5, 2003 07:52 PMYou'll have to wine me and dine me and take out the garbage for 21 years before I even look twice atcha, R.C. Nice try. Also, did I mention that I carry a miniature razor-back monkey in my purse at all times. Especially for rambunctious passengers like you. #15 - Posted by: SallyVee on August 5, 2003 08:45 PMThat...was...AWESOME!!! Thanks Frank. #16 - Posted by: d Smith on August 6, 2003 10:10 AMRasor-backs is pigs. #17 - Posted by: David on August 6, 2003 01:38 PMGrunt doc sent me to your suggestions. He knew we're traveling to Australia in a month and would need these guidelines! #18 - Posted by: Suzanne on August 6, 2003 03:11 PMSeveral genuine laugh out louds in that terrorist piece. That's a creative imagination at work with a wicked sense of humor. Thanks much Jack H #19 - Posted by: John Harman on August 6, 2003 04:55 PMBut a razor-back monkey is so much funnier. #21 - Posted by: MuffinHead on August 9, 2003 08:16 PMI have a new and excellent airline anti-terrorism plan. Although I am an armed and dangerous raging Zionist Jewess Infidel, I am willing to participate in this excellent plan, as are all of us in the vast Zionist conspiracy. This method has been approved under the kosher kashrut laws and no Jew will be held accountable for co-mingling with the flithly delicious flesh of pork. As you board the flight, the stewardesses will hand you a 10 pound frozen ham, bone in. 1) An Islamic terrorist may not accept the ham. Now you've ID'd him and can have him taken off the flight in chains after a sound beating. 2) Even is he's a wily terrorist, and accepts the ham and sits down politley, he still has to make his move eventually. 3) When he makes his move, the other passengers then rise up and smite him with their hams. 4) The hams can then be donated to the various charitable organizations that support the PLO, to feed the starving children bereft of homes due to the Zionist Occupation. If they grow up big and strong, they can strap even more explosives to themselves when they become martyrs at a Jewish day care, a bus full of religious Jews, or some other equally evil place. ANI TZIONI Post a comment
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