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August 05, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (23)

Al Qaeda is still plotting! You might have thought they were all plotted out, but, oh no, they're still after us. And their attacks are against planes again; these are like one note terrorists. You gotta switch things up, dudes. You know, Speed was on a bus, and Speed 2 was on a boat; that's how things work here in America.

Anyway, they're planning to sneak evil terrorist weapons into common household items, so I think it would be a good citizen of me to give everyone some tips on how to avoid terrorists on a plane flight.

FRANK TIPS FOR AVOIDING AIRLINE TERRORISM

* If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that's halfway to Al Qaeda.

* If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that's a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, "No!"

* If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person's head. Even if he wasn't a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight?

* Terrorists are trying to sneak weapons into children toys. If you see a child on your flight, smash his toys.

* If you are going to crash land, don't duck into a crash position as illustrated in that little flyer; if everyone is ducking like that, a crash landing makes the perfect time for a terrorist attack.

* Terrorists plan to modify cameras as stun weapons. If a terrorist tries to take a picture of you, hold up a mirror and deflect it back at him. Stupid terrorist.

* The airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket.

* Air Marshals on flights are supposed to have a gun, so, if you see someone on your flight waving around a gun and yelling, assume he is an Air Marshal and go to sleep.

* If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried.

* If the man next to you is named Mohammed, that's a terrorist name; beat him up. If he is named Mo, that could be short for Mohammed; beat him up. If he says his name is Bob, he's probably lying and it's really Mohammed; beat him up. If his name is Sue, make fun of him for having a girl's name; he'll beat you up.

* The best defense is a good offense, so bring a shotgun on the flight. How do you sneak a shotgun on? When security asks you, "Hey, is that a shotgun?" say, "Only a dumb person would think this is a shotgun." The security person will not want to look dumb, so he'll just wave you through.

* Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don't shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they'll probably just sulk and then sit back down.

* If Aquaman is on your flight, don't worry; he'll save you. Well, maybe he will… if the flaming wreck lands in the water. On second thought, forget Aquaman; you're on your own.

* If the stewardess asks you to pay extra for your meal, that's probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action.

* If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen.

* As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you're fighting terrorism.

* If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a "fist" which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won't do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop!

* If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, "You're about to experience some major turbulence!" because that will be so cool.

* When fighting a terrorist, the best and most climatic way to finish him off is to open an emergency door and suck him out. Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it's neutral like the Swiss.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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