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August 06, 2003
There Can Be Only One...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:05 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (22)

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™ could not go on forever. Only one could win the Permalink. The final question once again was:

They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?

And the winner of the final poll is...

UPDATE: Now have acceptance speech.

[Think About It] by Jarred Nicholls. Out of the 251 votes cast, his entry, Answer 6, got 87 votes (35%). When everyone else came close to the word limit with clever entries, he did the equivalent of guessing $1 dollar on The Price is Right by responding with a one sentence answer.

One bullet at a time.

Harvey of Bad Money, who blew away the competition in Group F, came in a competitive second (making him first loser) with his Answer 4 which got 66 votes (26%).

"There's only one way to stop them. We'll create a super-virus, mixing DNA from Frank, Rumsfeld, and Ebola."
"You can't do that," said a suspiciously odiferous cabal-member, "what about the unknown environmental consequences?"
*SHLORP*- I ripped the heart from his chest, holding it in front of his eyes as it spurted patchouli. "Shut up, hippy spy."
"URK!" said the hippy.
"But won't this require a new government program to pay for treating all the infected working poor?" said an elderly, rotund, gin-blossomed man (whom I'd been eyeing suspiciously).
"Die, Commie!"
"Kennedy"
"Whatever."
“BLAM!” added my Frank J Memorial 1911 decisively, ending the argument.
“Anyway, we’ll use the labs at ImClone to put this together.”
“How will we make it in? We’re nearly out of ammo.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got inside connections. My mother-in-law is Martha Stewart. At least I think she is. Last time she visited, she alphabetized my silverware.”
“Alphabetized your…?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Anyway, enough chatter. Let’s roll.”
The virus worked as planned. Hippies and Commies died of strangulation-like symptoms, while monkeys everywhere bled to death out of their eyes.
… but somewhere in a dark cave… a voice… ”This round is yours, but I’ll be back.” *sip* “mmm… blended puppy.”

The rest of the entries were pretty close in votes.

Answer 1 was written by Serenity of Serenity's Journal. It got 25 votes (10%).

We will entice the hippies to trust us by handing out granola and gently bubbling bongs and tell them that the monkeys want to set up a new capitalist government. This will prompt the hippies to whine and flee to New Mexico.
We'll then inform the Commies that the only papers the hippies produced before crossing the border were Zig Zags. While the Commies race after the patchouli stenched group, we'll tell the monkeys that the Commies just left with all the Vodka. Everyone will be on their way to Albuquerque.
Now that we have everyone assembled in the desert, we will sacrifice one Nuke The MoonT t-shirt and place it neatly on the sandy ground. We will then pour a volley of righteous Freedom Rounds into it thus causing a nuclear detonation. Everyone will perish except for those of us who wear the shirt.
As the fallout clears, we will see a figure walking towards us. It's Frank J! Of course Frank is alive. Everyone knows you can't kill someone who wears their Nuke the MoonT shirt. It was a vast left wing conspiracy, and we knew this, but it was a fun excuse to annihilate all the scum.

Answer 2 was written by dr.dna of the voodoo lounge. It got 20 votes (8%).

I would put on a big mustache and go to the hippies and commies, saying I was Saddam Hussein. They love mustached dictators, so I would gain their trust. Then I'd sneak into their headquarters, push the big red button marked "SELF-DESTRUCT". Hippies and commies are stupid, so they'd probably have a self-destruct button. So that would take care of the hippies and commies.
Now, for the worst of the lot - the monkeys. Since almost all diseases that infect humans came from monkeys at some point, I'd take the dead hippies and fling them at the monkeys. Since hippies are filthy, they've probably got tons of cool new diseases. Hopefully one of them will infect the evil monkeys. It wouldn't even have to jump species, seeing as monkeys and hippies are so closely related.
Then, the world freed once again, I would resurrect Frank J using voodoo, upon which he will probably ask me "how do you do that voodoo that you do so well?". Then we'd nuke the moon and have a big party.

Answer 3 was written by Tom of Adventures in Trouble Shooting. It got 29 votes (12%).

Having cobbled together small arms and a catapult, we set off to the UN building where the Commies, Monkeys and Hippies had built their formidable fortress. Using the catapult, we captured some of those speeding cars in school zones, with a truckload of bananas to distract the monkeys. Since the Commies are most likely french, the use of German cars caused their outer guards to surrender. Using a few small arms on the non-French commies, we advance on the UN HQ for Communistic Crap and insult their leader, who sends out the hippies and monkeys.
Gathering the strength of the Wall Street Underground (who obviously hate commies and hippies) and a legion of firehoses filled with soapy goodness, we flushed out the hippies, who, coated in clean and soapy water became normal people, albeit more clueless, scattered like mice. The monkeys being tougher customers, the catapult was used to hurl bananas and other fruits toward them, pacifying them into a bloated stupor while we caged them up. Buck the Marine lead the final charge with the cry of "For Frank! And NO QUARTER!" which lead to a communist bloodbath the likes of which the world had never seen. We Won.

Answer 5 was written by Stan, Bob, and Jon of Modularparrot.com. It got 24 votes (10%).

After the death of Frank J., the US becomes a kingdom of "you can't do that" Nazis under the direction of hippies and commies, with monkeys in charge of alcohol production.
Enter a patchwork team of citizens led by Chuck Heston, a sleeper cell created for just this sort of eventuality and developed at the Army War College.
Chuck has been spirited underground after accumulating vast experience with unruly monkeys in 'Planet of the Apes', hippie behavior in the pagan worship scene from 'Ten Commandments', and secrets of the current communist food complex in 'Soylent Green'.
The Chucks execute a commando operation that fouls the supply of vegetarian Soylent Green, Red and Yellow with pandas, rhinos and blue whales respectively. The hippies commit ipecac suicide after realizing they've destroyed 3 endangered species.
Without hippies, the commies have no free love, so begin the mass rape of monkeys. The monkeys retaliate by plugging themselves with potatoes, inadvertently creating the perfect conditions for the fermentation of vodka. The relentless pounding by the commies eventually leads to a chain reaction when the rectification columns of the volatile, vodka laden monkeys reach critical mass and explode.
Frank J. is immortalized in stone.

It was a really hard pick for me, but, personally, I voted for Answer 4.

Congratulations once again to Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. He has been added to the blogroll (look for him; he's there somewhere). He also temporarily gets a steady spot right under Rachel Lucas on the top. In addition, he can now five times send me a post and it gets automatically placed as the first link on my Links of the Day™. I also expect him to soon e-mail me his acceptance speech so I can display it.

Also, to remind all the people who participated in the competition and lost that they will never, ever be honored with a spot on my blogroll due to their pathetic failure, I've added a loser list at the bottom of my sidebar. It's still up to Susie to come up with the official loser logo.

Another, shorter competition will be done some time from now, but, until then, thanks to everyone who played and who voted.

Jarred Nicholls' Acceptance Speech:

First of all, I'd just like to say: Thanks Frank for not voting for me you bastard! :-)

Second, I'd like to say: Mua Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!! My true evil Commie self is on IMAO's blogroll...I can now unleash the commie fury to all of IMAO's readers!
*FWAP!*
"Ow...!"
"I've said it once and I'll say it again, Commies are the devil!!"
"I know I know...."
"And take down that Hammer and Sickle poster!"
"Yes mother...."

Third, in serious: Thanks everyone whom voted for me! I appreciate it. I'm glad those individuals saw the merit of my answer and the straightforwardness and fearlessness that I sought. As a side note, to those who thought my answer was impractical because the question said the rebel group carried "small arms", that's easily dismissable. You find the monkey's hideout, load your gun with monkey turdlets, and unload their shit onto themselves and blame it on the monkey next to you. Monkey's get mad when they throw shit at each other (which they do very often) and start fighting amongst themselves. This civil war would soon spread to the commies and hippies (lower class monkeys, if you will....) and they would destroy themselves. But hey, at least you got some good old fashion target practice before you ran out of bullets, no?

Again, thanks everyone. I hope you all visit my site periodically, as I have a large mission ahead of me to spread the word of LOGIC, which liberals lack tremendously. Join me on that mission if you will. I have a discussion board up at http://discuss.think-about-it.us (my College Libertarian/Republican club discussion board) and I will soon be on the radio with my own talk show, hosted by my college's radio station. There is online streaming of the broadcast via Winamp (currently, other formats are to come in the future). So look on my site for updates on that. I'd love to have you all listen to my show. Thanks to all!

Rating: 2.8/5 (21 votes cast)

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