M & R Homiller from Hell's Kitchen, NY asks:
Where are all the dead birds?

Obviously you've never cleaned out a rain gutter.

Jason H. from the furthest planet from the sun writes:
Frank, in regards to vegetarians, what do you suppose they would have the rest of us do with cows if we all suddenly turned into goofy vegetarians? I mean, what other reason would a cow be on the Earth if we weren't supposed to make burgers and gloves out of them? I hope you can shed some light on this situation. Thanks.

The vegetarians’ plan is to slaughter all cows in a merciless frenzy of blood and mayhem. A cow will always stand as the symbol of meat eating, and, for that, vegetarians hate them with every fiber of their soul. I don't even like to think of the horrible things they'll do to the poor cows if they have their way. The horror... the horror...

Don A. from Hicksville writes:
No one else seems to know the answer to this, so I'm going to THE definitive
source: Why are the keypads for calculators and telephones reversed? I don't know whether to blame the French or the monkeys. uh...is there a difference?

First of all, yes, there is a difference between the French and monkeys. One is a putrid, subhuman creature that has no knowledge of right and wrong and the other has a tail.

As for about the order of numbers question, I didn't know the answer offhand so I went to the local siencetorium in search of answers. When I entered, I said, "Hello, scientists!"

And they said, "Hello, Frank J. What science questions can we help you with today?"

"Why is the number order on a calculator different than that of a telephone?"

Their faces all went pale. "Begone!" shouted one, "You asks question of which the answers are best left unknown!"

"You're a bunch of dinguses," I said as I left the sciencetorium.

Well, quite obvious from their reaction, this all had to do with some demonic curse involving Alexander Graham Bell. So, I went to my local Alexander Graham Bell grave and dug up his body. When I opened the casket, there was a skeleton in there just like one would expect. Seemed to be a dead end, so I just stole one of his fingers to later auction on E-bay and went home.

The next step, of course, was to build a telephone with the numbers in the same order as a calculator keypad. So I bought a cheap phone from Wal-Mart, broke it apart, rewired it and placed the keys in the same order of the calculator keypad (I also swapped the * and the 0 since the 0 is usually on the lower left hand corner of a calculator). I plugged in the phone and picked up the reciever. There was a dial tone and nothing evil. So I thought I might as well dial up the sciencetorium and tell them they're a bunch of dinguses again.

As I dialed, suddenly the world around me went dark. From behind me came a sinister laugh.

Learning from previous experiments, I had a shotgun handy. I grabbed it and spun around. "Alexander Graham Bell, I presume."

"Wrong!" answered the spectral figure, "It is I, Elisha Gray, whom Bell stole the idea of teleor from. In vengeance, I invented telemarketing, to forever plague those who had a phone. But that was not enough. When I died, I sent my evil spirit to constantly dial people in the middle of the night and then breathe heavily into the phone. But, they rearranged the keypad on the phone to confuse my spirit and stop my curse. But now you have awakened me. Bwa ha ha ha!"

"You die good now!" I yelled, and fired at him with my shotgun.

"Ha! Your mortal weapon is no match for my spectral powers. Bwa ha ha ha!"

"Wait here," I told the evil spirit as I ran to my guest room. From out of the closet I got my vacuum and plugged it in. I then used the hose extension to suck up Elisha Gray.

"Nooooo!' he shouted as I sucked him up good.

I then figured I better dispose of that vacuum bag quickly, but it wasn't full yet and they're kinda a pain to replace. So I guess I'll get rid of Gray after the next time I vacuum, i.e., in a couple months.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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Frank Answers
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