In my last Frank Answers™, I mentioned that French soap is suspicious and should be avoided. A reader, J, had this take, though:

You do realize that is must be an effective soap, which is why the French export it.

They have no need for effective soap, or for that matter effective water, so they export both.

Now for some questions:

Jeff writes:
Seriously, I had a dream last night that a tribe of ninja outcasts, deep in the heart of Africa, trained generations of big smart monkeys to be Ninjas! And taught them how to swim too! It was horrible, the monkeys took over Africa in days. After training all the other monkeys in Africa to be ninjas, they started to attack by ninja swimming out to boats going by the coastline and then sneak aboard and take over control of the boat. Soon thousands of ninja monkeys were in position to attack the worlds centers of power at the same time. Then I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, I had to know how it ended. I knew you of all people would know the answer, Could this really happen Frank?

Yes, such a thing could happen, and almost did back during the 60's. Thanks to the distraction of smelly hippies, we nearly missed this ninja monkey threat. Luckily, the threat was noticed by the Coast Guard who keeps a number of samurai in employment for such incidents. Off our own coasts, the ninja monkeys were subdued with much swordplay, and, to this day, they vow revenge. If you are ever on the open seas, be careful to make sure any boats you see aren't being manned by monkeys... or pirates. Also, if you are a wandering ronin, the Coast Guard is looking for new recruits.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas asks:
Frank, what is the reason for the existence of Cleveland?

Well, Cleveland rocks. Also, I believe its existence prevents some erosion in the area.

Pam from a small, quaint little town in California where the fruits and nuts can grow healthy and strong and even grow up to be governor someday writes:
Just read In My World: It's All About the Jesus, and it prompted this question: What were you like as a child?

I've been told I was whiny, but my parents are damn liars.

DarthVOB writes:
My favorite show is Samurai Jack. I can't help but notice the parallels between Samurai Jack and you. Is Samurai Jack loosely based on your life?

Though many of the similarities are striking, notice the character is named "Jack" and not "Frank". If it were called "Samurai Frank", then I would say it was exactly like me, but, as it is, I can't see people calling me Jack.

Joey asks:
What happened to Bazooka Joe's eye?

He asked too many questions, Joey. Too many questions, and that's all I have to say.

Bitter Bitch from Hell (aka New England) writes:
I have a question for you to answer. I have to drive 75 miles to work everyday. I hate it. It means I have to get up at 5:30 AM and sit in traffic for a couple of hours before I repeat the sitting at the end of the day only to end up at home at 7:30 PM. It's all because I have to stay with a friend while my apartment is renovated. My question is: Does this commuting frustration make a good excuse for killing either annoying hippies or my apartment complex manager for not letting me move into the damn place yet? I'd prefer to kill the annoying hippies, but any target for my rage will do for now.

P.S. Oh wait, blonde moment, I forgot that I had another question. The annoying hippies are getting between me and my guns. They are also getting between me and any swords. What can I use to kill them and/or my apartment complex manager since these precious resources have been taken from my beautifully manicured hands?

Killing your apartment manager would be murder, so I'd just kill the hippies; no excuses are really needed. Strangling is always a good, weaponless method. You may want to wear gloves for sanitation purposes, though.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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