So now that you have your guns, where do you put them? You could just leave them lying all over your residence, but that's sloppy and might bother some visitors. Instead, more careful planning is needed.

For home, at minimum you need a shotgun in your closet. Do you have a shotgun in your closet? If not, what the hell are you doing sitting here when you don't even have a shotgun? Terrorists could jump through the windows at any moment and you're defenseless. Stop right now and go to Wal-Mart or something by yourself a damn shotgun. I think INS should be able to deport you if you don’t have a shotgun.

Other than that, you should have more strategic goals for your residence. Rachel Lucas was happy she got a house with as many rooms as she has guns, but one gun per room is minimum. Did you see the movie Spiderman? At the very end when Harry Osborn sees Spiderman drop off his dead father, POW! He pulls opens a drawer and has a gun in right in hand with hardly a thought. That's what your home should be like; always a gun in arms length, because you never known when you might get attacked by Spiderman, who could be as bad as J. Jonah Jameson says.

I have something I call the "Two-Step Rule". Anywhere in your house you should never be more than two-steps from a gun. Places where you remain stationary a lot, such as in front of your computer or couch in front of the T.V., a gun should be in arms length. In a worse case, "ninjas just broke in through all my entrances" you'll be immediately prepared. Drawers are always a good place to put a gun, and decorative, leather-bound books hollowed out can be quite stylish. In the kitchen, you can just use a box of cereal. Plus, that gives you a good kill'n line ("There’s a prize inside for you." Start shooting him again. "Collect them all!").

The problem is that some people worry about easy access to guns when they have kids. Well, I don't have kids, so I know you'll all like my objective opinion on them. Now, while a trigger lock will keep a gun safe from kids, it can also keeps it safe from criminals. When people are screaming, and bullets are flying everywhere, you don't want to be fumbling around with some combo or small key. Instead, you should just teach your children not to shoot his or her self. Hand the child a gun, and, if she points it at you or others, smack the child on the head and say, "No!" If you still think your child may take a gun and fire it, I'd think of getting rid of him or her. No reason to put your safety at risk because your kid is dumb. There are plenty of sites on the internet where you can sell your kid (and get another gun with the money). Just, when selling the kid, don't mention it's from gun stupidity; instead, say something like you're moving to place where they don't allow kids. Instead of kids, try a dog; it has less of a desire to mess with your guns though it does shed more.

Now that we covered guns in the home, what about on your person? There are many holsters to choose from, but, remember, the guns has to get to your hand to be fired; the holster can't fire it itself (note to self: make self firing holster). You may have to wear different clothing to carry a gun, shirts that are untucked to conceal your firearm. I've told everyone my choice, though, that seems to work well with any clothing choice. A former police officer told me the best holster is a special fanny pack meant for quick access to the gun. Those in the know (criminals) can tell that means you have a gun, and will probably leave you alone to attack the guy wear the Hanggun Control Inc. t-shirt. Those not in the know, though, will call you gay for having a fanny pack, and, in most states, you can't pull a gun on someone just for calling you gay (otherwise gay people could pull guns on everyone).

One idea of mine is a wallet gun. A guy mugs you, then, you pull out your wallet and shoot him with a .45 bullet concealed inside. Then the mugger will be like, "Woe is me; I've been shot by a .45." But even my friends at my college gun club thought that was a dumb idea.

I know what you're all thinking: "I want a holster like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver where the gun just pops into my hand." The problem is, that's just not practical because... hmm... well maybe if... no, it's not practical to have a gun up your sleeve... then again, if you had a coat with wide sleeves... no, the weight would be too much throughout the day... though, maybe you could get used to it... but what if you're shaking someone's hands and it just pops out? Well, I guess there could be some safeties to it.

On second thought, I'm going to look into making one of those holsters and see how it works out.

Anyway, the thing to remember about where or however you keep you firearms is KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to be able to quickly get your gun in hand and operate it since at the time you may be very panicked or very mad.

Next week I'll end this series with a discussion of gun care. Happy shooting.

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Frank on Guns
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