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August 29, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hamas
Israel just can't seem to get a compromise between their desire to not be blown up and the Palestinians' desire to blow them up. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about one of the main players: Hamas. FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS * Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind. * Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives". * Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry. * I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews. * One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask. * Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college. * If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass. * If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head. * If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it's a trick! Shoot him in the head. * Be careful; Hamas members are quite wily, ranking up there in intelligence with squirrels. * Hamas members smell. It's not nice to say, but it's true. * Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. They need to make sure that all Palestinians children are healthy and grow up to be big and strong so they can blow themselves up. * The French, enemies of all that is good and just in this world, are considering having some of their charities join those of Hamas. Expect more attacks from Hamas in the future that involves smelly cheese. * Hamas members don't like contact with pigs, so I think it would be funny to feed them to pigs like in the movie Hannibal. * That was really gross when Hannibal had Ray Liotta eat his own brain. * I've strayed off topic. * We should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains. * If you're in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful. * Hamas is a big part of the "cycle of violence". They blow up innocent men, women, and children, and then Israel is like, "Hey, don't do that." And thus the cycle of violence continues. * The cycle of violence will continue until the Palestinians stop being such a bunch of numbnuts... or if Israel finally gets fed up and nukes them all. * Even though members of Hamas are out gunned and out smarted by Israel, they think they can defeat Israel because Allah is on their side. Isn't that cute. * Hamas members think they go the Heaven when they commit a suicide bombing where they get 72 virgins, but instead they go to hell where they get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork ad infinitum. * Actually, I'm Catholic; I think everyone is going to hell. Hey you, reading this: you're going to hell. Seriously. * In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, "Hey, let us have a piece of them!" but Aquaman would say, "No! They’re mine!" And then one Hamas member would be like, "Please, have mercy, Aquaman!" and Aquaman would be like, "No!" and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass! * Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders. Someone should tell them to stop being such a bunch of babies. * Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee. * My grandfather was a member of Hamas. * No, wait, he was in the IRA. They just blew up the British people who deserved it because... ah, I don't actually know anything about that conflict. I think it involves the color orange. * I've gone off topic again. * Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged. * No! Don't hug the Hamas members; it's a trick! They're just going to blow up! * You know, Hamas could just plant bombs without blowing themselves up... or at least that's what I'd do if I were a subhuman, murderous Jew-hater. * Hamas won't rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea. * If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he'd say, "Ha! Mas!" * I think that means I'm about out of fun facts. * The best way to handle Hamas is to be really patient. I'm sure Arafat will deal with them... eventually. Oh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt. 51 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Hamas"
Best "fact": Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college. LOL! P.S. Actually, I'm going to purgatory...the Dante's Inferno test told me so... #2 - Posted by: Susie on August 29, 2003 08:45 AMI'm with you on the feed 'em to pigs thing. A mental image I've had since 911 involves Osama in that scene. Hamas works too. Of course we're both just kidding. Chuckle chuckle... #3 - Posted by: Greyhawk on August 29, 2003 08:46 AMI LOVE how the Israelis shot that Hamas f**ker off of his donkey the other day with a MISSLE. Did the moron really think he could outrun an attack helicopter on a donkey? The news article I read also said he was firing mortars from his donkey cart. That's funny. I think we use tanks and Bradley Attack Vehicles for that kind of thing. Hamas uses donkeys. It's too bad the donkey was killed. I guess we could say that Hamas doesn't know its ASS from a hole in the ground and that would be factually accurate. Actually, Hamas's ass IS now a hole in the ground. #4 - Posted by: Frank on August 29, 2003 09:18 AMWe should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains. Talk about a starvation diet. (I was never here.) #5 - Posted by: Not McGehee on August 29, 2003 09:41 AMWouldn't it be even better if Hamas planted themselves without blowing themselves up... say about six feet under? #6 - Posted by: aelfheld on August 29, 2003 10:05 AMFrank, there you go over the top again. I haven't laughed about Hamas until I read this. #7 - Posted by: RoQ on August 29, 2003 11:10 AMMy favorite: "If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he'd say, 'Ha! Mas!'" Incidentally, I'm not Mexican, but I do speak Spanish and that is the same reaction (Ha! Mas!) I had after reading this latest "Know They Enemy" piece. Keep up the great work. I love it. #8 - Posted by: The Patriette on August 29, 2003 11:33 AMWow! Thanks, Frank! Until now, I thought Hamas was a Scottish dish made with sheep's stomach! #9 - Posted by: bitweever on August 29, 2003 11:35 AMand I thought Hamas was a mediterranean dish made out of garbanzo beans for dipping pita bread. #10 - Posted by: jonag on August 29, 2003 11:40 AMThe worst thing about jihadis is that their damn skulls won't fit in the chipper chute! #11 - Posted by: Flyondwall on August 29, 2003 12:15 PMLOL Frank J is the funniest man alive. #12 - Posted by: Victor of the Apes on August 29, 2003 02:06 PMI think you are right that Aquaman could kick Hamas' ass, but not for the reasons you stated. The only reason Aquaman would win is because after the Hamas guys jumped in the water to blow themselves up beside Aquaman, their suicide belts would no longer work, the gunpowder being wet and the workmanship being so bad and all, then the weight of the nails and ball bearings embedded in the thing would sink them right to the bottom (Hamas dudes are not such good swimmers having taken blow yourself up lessons, not swimming lesson as kids). Also, since Hamas wants all the Jews pushed into the sea, maybe Aquaman is only fighting Hamas because he is Anti-Semitic and doesn't want any Jews in the sea. #13 - Posted by: twalsh on August 29, 2003 02:41 PMEthel, I know you don't actually read my blog, but would you mind updating my link anyway? Thanks! #14 - Posted by: Jennifer on August 29, 2003 04:32 PMFrank, you've outdone yourself. This is F***ING brilliant. (I am compelled to use the F word at least once in every paragraph related to Hamas. I notice you have the same quirk. I guess it helps keep the gastrointestinal cramps down.) I repeat: Brilliant! #15 - Posted by: SallyVee on August 29, 2003 05:34 PMGreat post, but there's got to be something you're doing wrong. You're not on Allah's shit list yet. #16 - Posted by: Ernie G on August 29, 2003 08:36 PMDear IMAO, If you support the Iranian people in their struggle for freedom against a Babaric Islamic Dictatorship please join other blogs worldwide in the BLOG-IRAN Grassroots Campaign. This is a non-partisan movement! It is a movement for all who believe in freedom! If you're interested definitely visit http://www.activistchat.com/blogiran/ Hope to hear from you - Great facts list! I just have one question: "In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, 'Hey, let us have a piece of them!' but Aquaman would say, 'No! They’re mine!' And then one Hamas member would be like, 'Please, have mercy, Aquaman!' and Aquaman would be like, 'No!' and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass!" Did I miss something? #18 - Posted by: Shpoo on August 30, 2003 01:56 PMFeed them to the pigs?! What did the pigs ever do to you? #19 - Posted by: LibertyBob on August 30, 2003 02:43 PMHey, frank...and all you other catholics..cathlicts. Catheters. What ever. Why are so many irish people Catholics? Free wine on sunday! Ill see you all in hell, i guess... #20 - Posted by: ThegunsofNevada on August 31, 2003 01:21 AMHas anyone here ever read "Dennis Miller on Palestinians" at The Virtual Bob Show? Mr. Miller has many good points. #21 - Posted by: David on August 31, 2003 05:35 AMThe only fun fact about Hamas that I give a damn about is 'are any of the sonsabitches within rifle range?' #22 - Posted by: Peter on August 31, 2003 11:00 AMWhile I agree that Aqua Man would totally own those fools, perhaps this is overkill? All the way up to a squirrel? YOU are very optimistic and look beyond the obvious. I thought maybe hex nut. Like maybe a 3/8ths? But, if you say squirrel, then likely you know much better. I give up my 3/8ths nut. G #24 - Posted by: Gene on September 1, 2003 05:47 AMAs a Catholic and a 1/2 Irishman, I'm deeply offended by the post of ThegunsofNevada. What an outrageously offensive statement! How dare you! We Irish would NEVER drink WINE! Whiskey, hell yeah. Beer, you bet! But wine is for sissy Englishmen and the French! You better get your facts straight before you post slander like that! (BTW, seriously, in the Catholic Mass, only the priest drinks the wine, so the jokes kinda a clunker.) #25 - Posted by: Frank on September 1, 2003 11:54 AMPlease take not: In my previous post, I neglected to put in my last initial "L". Don't want anyone to think the post was entered by our great and powerful Frank "J". #26 - Posted by: Frank LLLLLL on September 1, 2003 12:01 PMI came here thinking this was "Fun Facts About Hummus", but I was wrong. How disappointing. Great post Frank! #27 - Posted by: Robert Diaz on September 1, 2003 01:19 PMJeepers Frank, how long since you've been to Mass? Practically every liturgy I've been to in the last several years has offered Communion in both species: bread & wine... They started off dunking the host in a little cup, but now they offer you a chalice... in my parish, there are two Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist offering wine, for each one offering the host... simply because it takes longer to swig... Dang! It has been a looong time since I went to Mass. Probably about five years. I stopped going after I re-married--long story there. Anyway, I was always the guy who left church right when communion started (you know, the one with the antsy kid that wouldn't stop turning around and staring at ya!), so I wouldn't have noticed even if I did still go to Mass! #29 - Posted by: Frank L. on September 1, 2003 07:50 PM* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives". I think this is insulting to dumb people who can't help how they were born. Lots of the Hamas folk went to college. Please change to "evil f_cks". This will also greatly annoy the liberals even more, since they're incapable of acknowledging that people can do evil. Dhimmicidal maniacs have long abandoned Islam's historical monotheism for the child-sacrificing cult of Molech. And if a Hamas member says he doesn't want peace, change his mind by blowing his brains out! Lastly... Re pitchforks instead of virgins, among the last funny things The Onion ever published is here: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell #30 - Posted by: Aaron's Rantblog on September 1, 2003 08:23 PMHow dare you all use the name “America” or “American” when referring to the ugliest, most ignorant, stupid, stinking, uneducated sissies that live in that mean, miserable, pathetic third-world “country” called the USA (for Ultra Sissy Army - Untalented Sad Analphabets - Uncouth Sick Autistics - Ugly Stinking Animals - Useless Stupid Aunties...)? The revolting inhabitants of the USA do have a name. Just like Hispanophones call them “Estadounidenses” & the Francophones resort to “Etats-uniens” to name that crappy part of Humanity, please use “Unitedstatish”. It’s very simple. It works like English. The English - the Unitedstatish.
Very good stuff. I think you do not reference killing Hamas members enough however. They are a scourge. The Frence are not terribly different 'cept they lie about who they really stand behind... I wrote a song about the French. It's called Wounds My Heart With Monotonous Languor" and it kicks ass on the French. It's free on streaming audio at: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/4/johnnyfubarmusic.htm Cheers, and keep up the Hamas bashing. They suck. #33 - Posted by: Johnny Fubar on September 2, 2003 11:56 AMSeguro que tu eres un pinche gringo puñetero que no tiene nada mas que hacer parte de huevear de la lucha por libertad por los palestinos. Si tu no estuvieras un cabron culeao, tal vez tu podria tener amigos parte de los perros que te aman solamente porque hueles como un jamon. HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE Y VIVA LATINOAMERICA! UNIDOS VENCEREMOS CONTRA LOS PINCHES GRINGOS PUÑETERAZOS. SI QUIEREN PAZ HABRA PAZ, PERO SI QUIEREN GUERRA, NO TENEMOS MIEDO A LA GUERRA #34 - Posted by: Tupac Amaru on September 2, 2003 07:48 PMOh oh, Frank! Look out! Now you've got a COMMIE CHANGO TROLL posting on your site! "LOS PINCHES GRINGOS PUÑETERAZOS". That's not very nice. #35 - Posted by: Some Other Frank on September 2, 2003 09:26 PMMy co-worker smells and he asked to borrow the sports section. Does that mean he is a member of Hamas? Should I shoot him in the head? #36 - Posted by: Adela on September 2, 2003 11:42 PMEven more amusing is the role of the Likud Party in establishing Hamas as a counter to the Palestinian Authority. Sure was a surprise to see that frankenstein's monster rear up and bite, wasn't it. The general rule of thumb, folks, is don't use religion as a tool of politics. It always goes bad. #37 - Posted by: Hatcher on September 3, 2003 08:54 AMOh well. Religion isnt my best subject. But wine is not a 'sissy' beverage. There are some very good and hearty German wines, along with the piss poor frog wine, and our good old domestic californian wine. #38 - Posted by: ThegunsofNevada on September 3, 2003 03:17 PMFrank, FYI I had no idea that there were 72 WOMEN, I figured all 100 were men. #40 - Posted by: Dan on September 22, 2003 06:18 PMFUCK ALL OFF YOU VERMON JEWISH BASTARDS. THE BIGGEST HOAX OF ALL TIME THE HOLOCAUST-----ONLY 600 JEWS DIED AND THAT OF ILLNESS. PALESTINE IS OURS IT WILL ALWAYS BELONG TO THE MUSLIM.CRACK ALLYOUR CHILDISH IMMATURE JOKES------WHEN EVEN THE TREES WILL TALK----THERES A JEW BEHIND ME KILL HIM. STONES AGAINST MODERN WEAPONS----YOUR TIME IS CLOSE OH JEW. #41 - Posted by: CASSIM on October 8, 2003 03:29 PMusa GAVE MONEY TO HAMAS DURING CLINTON YEARS, AND WHITE HOUSE DIDNT KNOW ABOUT IT? HMMMM #42 - Posted by: BARB on October 12, 2003 11:29 PM"FUCK ALL OFF YOU VERMON JEWISH BASTARDS. THE BIGGEST HOAX OF ALL TIME THE HOLOCAUST-----ONLY 600 JEWS DIED AND THAT OF ILLNESS. PALESTINE IS OURS IT WILL ALWAYS BELONG TO THE MUSLIM.CRACK ALLYOUR CHILDISH IMMATURE JOKES------WHEN EVEN THE TREES WILL TALK----THERES A JEW BEHIND ME KILL HIM. STONES AGAINST MODERN WEAPONS----YOUR TIME IS CLOSE OH JEW." People would take you seriously if you 1. weren't a racist and 2. used less capital letters.d #43 - Posted by: Dan on October 22, 2003 10:46 AMI don´t like Hamas, but they are people too. I hate them because the want to destroy Israel and they send out suicidebombers. That´s stupid. PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #44 - Posted by: Peacelover on October 29, 2003 08:43 AM"FUCK ALL OFF YOU VERMON JEWISH BASTARDS. THE BIGGEST HOAX OF ALL TIME THE HOLOCAUST-----ONLY 600 JEWS DIED AND THAT OF ILLNESS. PALESTINE IS OURS IT WILL ALWAYS BELONG TO THE MUSLIM.CRACK ALLYOUR CHILDISH IMMATURE JOKES------WHEN EVEN THE TREES WILL TALK----THERES A JEW BEHIND ME KILL HIM. STONES AGAINST MODERN WEAPONS----YOUR TIME IS CLOSE OH JEW." Promises promises promises... Hamas, hamas, put all the jews on gassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss #46 - Posted by: eichman on November 11, 2003 10:36 AMWhy don't you jews all die. It would be better for the world. They had to "ENTLOSS" you all in WO2. YOU ARE NO UBERMENSCH, but pesticides!!!!! #47 - Posted by: Eichman on November 11, 2003 10:40 AMThere is 1 thing I don't understand: The Germans killed a lot of j*s( the history books, written by J*s don't give a reason???? ) and they take revange on the Palistinians. The Brittish had to give them a piece of Germany instead of a piece of Palistinia. Problem SOLVED. From victams to State terrorism what a misserable world. #48 - Posted by: che on November 11, 2003 10:49 AMWhy didn't WOII dured 5 years longer, it would be a better and cleaner world with one BIG problem lesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss I cant beleive im actually reading this crap, so much hate, so much ignorance - HATE creates HATE + LUV creates PEACE. Ur minds are played by the dictators and media that control what u think, there,re the only ones with an agenda they couldnt careless about the calatral damage ON EITHER SIDE so wake uP. We,ve only got one world!! #50 - Posted by: on November 24, 2003 08:14 PMThe best One Big Problem we could solve would be to kill every bigot here, like Cassim Eichman AH and all those losers. Post a comment
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