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August 29, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hamas
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (51)

Israel just can't seem to get a compromise between their desire to not be blown up and the Palestinians' desire to blow them up. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about one of the main players: Hamas.


* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives".

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry.

* I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews.

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.

* If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it's a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Be careful; Hamas members are quite wily, ranking up there in intelligence with squirrels.

* Hamas members smell. It's not nice to say, but it's true.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. They need to make sure that all Palestinians children are healthy and grow up to be big and strong so they can blow themselves up.

* The French, enemies of all that is good and just in this world, are considering having some of their charities join those of Hamas. Expect more attacks from Hamas in the future that involves smelly cheese.

* Hamas members don't like contact with pigs, so I think it would be funny to feed them to pigs like in the movie Hannibal.

* That was really gross when Hannibal had Ray Liotta eat his own brain.

* I've strayed off topic.

* We should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains.

* If you're in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the "cycle of violence". They blow up innocent men, women, and children, and then Israel is like, "Hey, don't do that." And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue until the Palestinians stop being such a bunch of numbnuts... or if Israel finally gets fed up and nukes them all.

* Even though members of Hamas are out gunned and out smarted by Israel, they think they can defeat Israel because Allah is on their side. Isn't that cute.

* Hamas members think they go the Heaven when they commit a suicide bombing where they get 72 virgins, but instead they go to hell where they get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork ad infinitum.

* Actually, I'm Catholic; I think everyone is going to hell. Hey you, reading this: you're going to hell. Seriously.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, "Hey, let us have a piece of them!" but Aquaman would say, "No! They’re mine!" And then one Hamas member would be like, "Please, have mercy, Aquaman!" and Aquaman would be like, "No!" and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass!

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders. Someone should tell them to stop being such a bunch of babies.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* My grandfather was a member of Hamas.

* No, wait, he was in the IRA. They just blew up the British people who deserved it because... ah, I don't actually know anything about that conflict. I think it involves the color orange.

* I've gone off topic again.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don't hug the Hamas members; it's a trick! They're just going to blow up!

* You know, Hamas could just plant bombs without blowing themselves up... or at least that's what I'd do if I were a subhuman, murderous Jew-hater.

* Hamas won't rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he'd say, "Ha! Mas!"

* I think that means I'm about out of fun facts.

* The best way to handle Hamas is to be really patient. I'm sure Arafat will deal with them... eventually. Oh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Rating: 2.4/5 (36 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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